Separation Archives - Page 8 of 21

Managing depression whilst studying

03/01/2017 By DO Leave a Comment

Depression gets a bad rap for a lot of things, which to be fair is pretty reasonable because living with depression is pretty shit. Especially when it comes to exam time, and everyone seems to be bragging about how much study they’ve done, and you can’t even get the energy to make a study plan. This can be ten times worse for repeat exams, as everyone is out enjoying the summer, and you’re at home just staring at your laptop and praying for motivation to fall from somewhere.

Depression plays havoc with your concentration levels, affecting your focus, memory and the ability to sit still and pay attention to something for more than 5 minutes. Or at least, that’s how I find it. Sometimes I get bursts of motivation and I can bring myself to study for a decent half hour, but even then it isn’t easy. Making revision plans doesn’t work, trying to avoid distractions is just a ridiculous suggestion and time is pretty hard to manage because depression is hard to manage, and it doesn’t always abide by time schedules or deadlines.

I used to be really good at studying, I love learning and since I’ve become affected by depression, the thing I’ve struggled with most is not being able to study. I feel lazy, and ungrateful, and despite how hard I worked to get into college in the first place, I feel like by not being able to study, I’m wasting my college place, and all the money that has been spent on it. Depression affects your ability to enjoy the things you used to love doing, so it’s blatantly obvious that it’ll do even more to the things that you know you have to do, but you might not enjoy. Due to this, I don’t enjoy a lot of stuff that I used to do, so when I find things I like, I tend to do them instead of studying. Procrastination is a massive part of my life, and I have wasted so many hours watching Geordie Shore and H2O: Just Add Water, instead of sitting down and going over notes.

I’m repeating exams that I failed because I was in a rough enough place when I took them, and I just didn’t have the spare energy to study, and now I’m back in the same situation. I think there’s a massive amount of pressure on people to go to university and graduate with a decent degree, and when people fail exams, the typical response is “Get your head down, and cop on”. It’s hard for people to understand living with depression if they have never had to, and so some people don’t get how difficult it can be for people with mental illnesses to actually “get their head down”. Studying is hard for most people, and exams are a rough time for everyone, so with added pressure, it’s ten times worse.

Sometimes I wish I could just be accepted into next year without having to study, because I love my degree, and I wouldn’t be able to afford repeating the year. I know I’m not the only one struggling, and I would love it if we were all a bit more honest on social media. It’s natural for us all to compare what we see on Facebook, where people show off their best sides, but every once in a while it would be nice to see some honesty, especially when it comes to things that most of us will deal with. I’m very open about my struggles with anxiety, but sometimes I’m almost embarrassed to talk about my depression, which is ridiculous.

It’s healthy to talk, and many people in Australia suffer from depression, so you won’t be the only one talking.

We have some of the highest suicide rates in the world. The conversation has been repeated so many times, and we made some incredible strides fighting against the mental health cuts in the budget this year, but we need to do more. As difficult as it is, I think we need to talk more about our feelings. It’s even harder for guys to talk about their feelings because of the ridiculous stereotypes surrounding masculinity and emotions. Suicide rates in young men between ages 18 and 24 is 3 times higher than females. Having depression, or other mental health problems are not something to be ashamed of. If you don’t have any mental health problems, that doesn’t make you any less entitled to speak up if you’re having a bad day. It can sometimes be totally isolating, and you deserve to have someone to talk to.

There are many supports for mental health problems in universities, so if you’re struggling with your repeat exams, or any exams at all, don’t be afraid to message your welfare officer and see what help you can avail of. Don’t suffer in silence during exams, and even if you can’t study, you can try to make things a little bit easier on yourself. You deserve it!

Thank you to Rebekah Humphries for her article 🙂

Filed Under: Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Some Dads are not waking up to their children this Christmas

19/12/2016 By DO 1 Comment

Sadly, I know too many people to whom this applies (including myself once). I have cried with memories of what this time used to be for me and how it was filled with such love and happiness – for some dads times like these bring back memories of the reality of emptiness and sadness.

So I would like to remind you that there are people for whatever reason are not looking forward to Christmas.

Some people are not surrounded by wonderful families or wake up to their children on Christmas morning (we used to but life has changed).

Some have problems during the holidays and are overcome with great sadness when we think about our sons or daughters who are not with us.

This also applies to the elderly who find them-self without their children, family or friends. And, many of these people are besieged by loneliness. They all need caring and our loving thoughts right now.

To all those who have family problems, are elderly and alone, having health struggles, job issues or worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares – we do and our hearts and thoughts are with you.

Take care & best wishes xx

If you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of sadness or loneliness, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 you don’t need to be alone.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Disabilities

Becoming a new parent or DAD again

01/12/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Being a parent for the first time is exciting but it comes with responsibilities and part of that responsibility is making sure your child grows up in a safe yet still stimulating environment so they can develop to their maximum potential. One of the best ways to ensure safety is to take time every few weeks, to view our home from your child’s perspective. To that end, you might like to get down on their level, literally! Start crawling around your home to see where potential dangers might be – it’s amazing what you come across on the floor, including dropped medication, sharp corners and unplugged electrical sockets- accidents waiting to happen! Below is a step by step guide on how to childproof your home depending on child’s age, development and needs.

The New Born Stage

When you bring your newborn home from hospital, it is a “getting to know each another phase” for you all. The baby’s room, or nursery is the first room to organise and have ready, when your baby arrives! First up, never, ever leave a baby alone without parental supervision. It’s as simple as that. Make sure your child is within earshot when they are sleeping. Another piece of invaluable advice is to not over fold baby blankets when they are sleeping and resting – they can overheat quickly that way.

The Baby Stage

Seek out danger and take preventative measures to ensure your young children are safe at home, every day. An investment in blind cord wind-ups or wraps (pictured) from the beginning is very worthwhile, and are easily installed (a perfect “dad” job). On a serious note, they keep blind cords out of the reach of babies in their cots and from older siblings in general. Over-long cords can lead to strangulation. And remember to move cots and beds away from windows and window fittings whenever possible.

Night time

For night time action, a night light is good to have on, one that is not too bright, so you can keep an eye on your sleeping baby, it is also very handy for all those middle of the night feeds, changes and daddy cuddles too!

The Waddler and Toddler Stage

As your baby grows and becomes more mobile (and curious), safety around the home is impetrative! Key rooms to keep safe are the kitchen and living areas. A good job for all new dads is to ensure your house is ready for your baby when he/she becomes mobile. Young babies and children are very inquisitive and learn through repeated observation. Invest in a few child safety locks. By using a variety of different locks and latches that work in different ways, it becomes harder for young children to work out how to open them. Also, make sure you have the right lock or latch for each cupboard depending on the type of handle. Dreambaby® have a huge range of locks and latches to suit your home and needs. Remember to cover all power points around you home too!

Bathroom Safety

In the bathroom ensure your bath tub is non-slippery, and there is a suitable baby bath to assist with bathing of your baby. Always keep medicines out of the way of babies by keeping them up high in secured cupboards. Other necessities to have on hand are medicine droppers, a rapid response digital thermometer and last but not least, make sure baby’s nails are kept short. Use baby scissors or clippers (don’t tear nails or bite them off even if they are very soft). Babies often put their hands up to their faces and can scratch their corneas and cut their faces if their nails are overly long.

Equipment and Baby Investments

Make sure all your baby equipment, furniture including your cot and pram, meet government and industry standards. Try not to buy second hand if you can, as it is never easy to gage the wear and tear on items. Also check to see if screws are tightly secured, both when you set up equipment, and afterwards as things loosen along the way. For instance, safety gates need adjusting on a regular basis.

There is so much information available for new parents, it can be a very fast learning curve!

Enjoy these early years as a new dad, as everting will tell you, they grow up fast and it will all too soon, be a distant memory!

For further advise and tips, a visit to your Early Childhood Centre is a good start. Your GP and Paediatrician are also invaluable when it comes to questions about baby’s safety, healthy wellbeing. Also check out the Kidsafe website for general safety information and of course visit the Dreambaby® website for safety product suggestions and solutions or call (02) 9386 4000. And be part of the safety conversation: Dreambaby Safety Facebook page. For useful safety tips & advice from Dreambaby®, check out DreambabyTV

Filed Under: Fathering, Kids Health, New Dad

It’s expensive to break up

27/11/2016 By DO 4 Comments

I don’t think the expense of breaking up is ever considered when we are thinking about breaking up? If we did, we might try a little harder to stay together because it can put an enormous amount of strain on the hip pocket!

When we know it’s over or when we know this person we are currently calling a partner is not going to be a “life” partner, all we can think about is moving out and on and trust everything will be ok. It’s important to make sure that both people involved are ok and living arrangements and money have been considered fairly so no one is doing it unreasonably tough.

Over time things slowly return to normal (or a new normal) but the initial expense can be a real shock and i don’t think any of us expected or worked on a “break up budget” when we made our mind up to break up.

Who would have thought we need to have two of everything 🙂 Some people instigating the break up, tend to be quite generous and it would be normal to just leave with our clothes in a suitcase. If it is more of a fair divide? then half of all the living items needs to be repurchased. If you have kids, it is more beds,towels, crockery, table & chairs and clothes, toys, books and sporting equipment etc too.

Don’t forget the bond & rent of your new home becomes fully paid for by one (1) person, gas, electricity, food, insurances, foxtel etc etc all is now paid for solely by you.

There are ways to minimize the financial pain

If you know its coming and you have months to plan, start putting money aside and build an emergency fund, we all should have one anyway, even if you are completely happy and in love with you partner. You never know what can blind side you at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon, trust me it can happen.

Once you have worked out the divide, write a gap list and and let your friends and family know what you need, your friends and family can bring you some of the essentials you will need to start again, this can help with your personal support by having supportive friends & family visiting you. Myer have a gift registry where they will list all the things you need, like, towels, bedding, glasses, kitchen appliances, cups, cutlery etc and as they get purchased, Myer will cross them off your list so no one doubles up on break up gifts.

You can also create a new bank account for the “start again fund” and send the account details to all your friends, family and Facebook contacts and ask them to contribute anything they can – the smallest amounts all add up. Don’t forget to personally thank every contributor!

I hope you never have to experience a break up, sometimes it is inevitable, this might give you some ideas to think about before you make that decision. Try hard to resolve your issues as it is much cheaper and financially better in the long term to stay together and work things out.

Filed Under: Finances, Relationships, Separation

Christmas can be a tough time, its ok if you’re not up for it.

20/11/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Christmas time is not always a happy time for some people, there can be a lot of different reasons and one of the biggest reasons is loneliness. Sadley, many people suffer in silence and often the depression is masked by fake smiles and laughter.

1 in 4 people will suffer from depression this Christmas and there is a way you can help.

If you sense a friend or a family member suffering from depression or loneliness, just say “it’s ok” if you don’t feel up to it.

Spending time with people who are supportive is often the best thing to do, it can be a walk in the park or a quiet night in at home. If you think you’ll be up for some visitors, write out a list of friends and family that are supportive and invite them over, don’t wait to be invited. If your stuck for ideas, a good online resource for things to do in your city is TimeOut

If you need someone to talk to over the Christmas period to help you through feelings of depression or loneliness call MensLine on 1300 78 99 78 or Lifeline on 13 11 14 they are both available 24 hours a day, every day. Both of these great support services offer an Online Chat service , you can access it by registering on their website. The Telephone crisis support workers will listen non-judgmentally to your story and help you work through your feelings.

Merry Christmas to all and have a safe New Year.

From the Dads Online team 🙂

Filed Under: Celebrations, Dads Health

Can PTSD be a symptom of divorce

30/10/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

I do believe that the stress and grief cause through separation and divorce can result in PTSD. To understand this we first need to know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is? It is a mental illness or mental disorder which is a diagnosable illness that affects a person thinking, emotional state and behaviour, and disrupts the persons ability to work or carry out other daily activities. Are you starting to think there could be a connection? keep reading…

How do you know if you are suffering from PTSD?

You still feel very upset or fearful after witnessing or being involved in a traumatic event
You are unable to escape intense, or depressing feelings
Your important relationships are suffering because of the trauma (e.g you withdraw from their family or friends)
You feel jumpy or have nightmares because or about the trauma
You cant stop thinking about the trauma
You are unable to enjoy life at all because of the trauma
Your post traumatic symptoms are interfering with their usual activities

We clearly know the emotional upset that is associated with separation & divorce. The unknown future, financial hardship, loss of friends, unable to be a full time dad, juggling work and parenting, If you have a selfish ex-wife that doesn’t value fatherhood and uses the kids to cause you emotional pain and makes you fight for contact. All of these traumatic events if not resolved can in the long term result in prolonged PTSD and there needs to be professional intervention.

You must speak up and if you feel your happiness levels are not where they should be, see your local GP for a referral service that can help.

If you feel someone you know is suffering PTSD, talk to them and LISTEN in a caring and non judgmental way. You shouldn’t force a person to talk if they don’t want to but encourage them to seek professional help. If the person is experiencing a personal crisis they should call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or encourage them to see their local GP.

Your life does not need to be out of sorts or unhappy or feelings of hopelessness.

Once you make a positive and intentional effort to correct your mental health, their can be a wonderful life not far away.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation

The top pain points of separation

16/10/2016 By DO 12 Comments

loosing friends like rates leaving a sinking ship There are so many individual things that cause pain after separation. It sometimes feels like your stuck on a emotional roller coaster. I’ve talked before about ways to “SELF CARE” during these years, but when I think about what it is that causes the downs, there is a top 4 that seems to be ongoing and are a little more sticky and prickly than some of the others. I would be interested in knowing if your pain has been the same as mine?

Below are my top 4 things that caused me the most pain after separation, and I have included what I did about it.

1. Grieving the loss of your children
This is the biggest pain point. Feeling of loss, missing, guilty, can not guarantee their security 7 days a week, part time dad, daily contact, The feeling that we are no longer as important in their lives all brings feelings of grief that continues to plague your thoughts. It is important that these emotions are worked on. The feeling of loss will never leave, it is something you learn to live with and it will always be a dark cloud that follows you around.

What I did about it: I came to realize that I am their 100% dad 24/7, even if I am not living with them. It is easier to cope knowing that it’s true. I read once, that they don’t have a dad – only when you stop being their dad. I thought about that and knew they have a Dad. Emotions are something that I am constantly working on. I surrounded myself with people (a person) who is positive. Keep a good home so that I feel good about my contribution to the children, work at co-parenting with their mother as it is easier for everyone if you can get along. I worked on ideas for keeping in touch so that the gaps between visits weren’t silent, There has been a few posts written to help you with this, here is one: https://www.dadsonline.com.au/when-you-just-cant-be-there or another is this: https://www.dadsonline.com.au/card-hug

2. Reduced finances
Juggling bills month to month. You paying your share for the children but then 100% of your new housing and living costs and everything associated with it. Before separation, rent, mortgage, living expenses, holidays, children’s clothing etc were generally a shared expense but now it requires much stricter budgeting as you end up paying for much of this on your own. Being separated brings some extra time on your hands when the children are not with you but you do not have extra funds to provide extra activities. Gym memberships, keeping up with fashion, holidays all take second place to surviving month to month. A study was conducted and found that men appeared to be generally ‘unaware of and unprepared for separation.

This can mean that men do not approach their finances as an important factor in maintaining a positive parenting environment i.e. doing a budget will help you not spend more than you earn. This is critical for your health and well-being and this is important for your children.

What I did about it:
The first thing I did was to complete a budget, I found a good one here: Budget Planner. I was honest with myself and made a decision to live within my means, you have too. You will or would have lost friends already, so your social life is diminished (more on this in No. 3) which in it’s self means you will not go out as much as your did before. I cancelled my Gym membership, cancelled Foxtel, I called my bank and spoke to the department that managing credit cards and I had my credit card interest rate reduced from 28% to 5% just by asking, this helped me to reduce debt.

I started taking a lot of notice how I used water and electricity too. Life sucks for quiet a while but there are many things that you will find enjoyment with that don’t cost money. Cutting back enabled me also to have a little savings.

There is always something that comes up that needs me to put my hand in my pocket, I have found that saving and cutting back has reduced the stress a little when bills come in or the new pair of runners or school uniform needs replacing. If you feel you need urgent help to sort out your bills and prepare a budget, you can call 1800 007 007. This free hotline is open from 9.30am – 4pm Monday to Friday. When you call the number you will automatically be transferred to the phone service in your state where a financial counsellor will help you.

3. Loss of friends
Friends will choose who they want to be friends with after you separate, you will need to be prepared to loose many. Your guy friends will side with their wife or girlfriend because that’s life. Its easier for them to dump you than it is to argue with their wife about it.

Some reasons why you might lose friendships are:

They judge you as not being an honest person and having same values
They believe you brought this tough time onto yourself
There own relationship is not great and you could be contagious
They choose who they will support, you or your ex (even if they have been your friend)
You are now “John Doe” the separated guy and they are not sure how to relate to you
You now have different interests and priorities and they just don’t relate
A single dad just does not fit in with their idea of a friendship group

Whatever the reasons, some friends will leave you like rats leaving a sinking ship!

What I did about it:
I eventually focus on the positives, get out and spend time on yourself. In the past you have probably had friends you would not have chosen, now you can choose exactly the friends you want to spend time with. I don’t think there is anything wrong with dropping out for a while and just hanging out with yourself, in some ways it can be quite therapeutic to find yourself again. So long as it is not forever (as some fall into that trap of hanging out there and never leaving) finding new friends can be uncomfortable but you need to feel the fear and do it anyway.

4. Work Life Balance
I absolutely believe that separation stalls peoples career’s (both Dads and Mothers). Purely from the distraction and commitment that needs to be exerted as a parent you can not put your energy into a career equally – something has to give? and in my case it was not going to be the time I spent with the kids.

My children are now getting a little older and more independent that allows me to dedicate more time to my job which by default helps you move forward in your career. However whilst they were growing up I thought the last thing they needed is a family breakdown and a father who would rather spend more time at the office than with the them.

Company do say that they are family friendly but they also need you to get the job done and will tolerate a couple of nights leaving earlier but when promotional opportunities come around you could be over looked. Purely due to time restraints.

What I did about it:
I just had to juggle work and life! it makes you time poor and stressful at times. I used to start work at 9am and at leave work at 5pm on the dot a couple of nights a week, be very organized in the mornings and get up to make breakfasts and lunches and make sure everyone was washed and dressed ready for school so that I was not late to work.

Some dads I know just could not be able to have the children during the week due to work demands, it makes me sad to think that but i know it is a reality. It throws all the weekly parenting back onto the mother causing everyone to be disadvantaged and time poor. Time does heal and as the kids get older it becomes easier for all.

You just have to be in the game, put the kids first, make intentional efforts to parent them and make a home for them.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Separation

How to be an active dad

09/10/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Some Dads are hell busy with their work and can not or do not leave enough energy at the end of the day or week to spend quality time with their kids and important people in their life. They eventually put on weight and loose touch with a healthy life including spending time with people they love.

There are many Dads that can balance their work commitments. They maintain a fitness level so they can get out and enjoy everything that life has to offer and be the best version of a dad that they can be. Surely that is the better option?

To be an active dad, you need to ensure that you are leaving enough time in the week for you. As much as your work is important, so is your physical and mental health. Making sure that you allow time for this makes for a better time spent with your children, it makes for a better YOU.

The same scenario goes for when you are in the company of others. If you are tired or drained, you will not be able to give your 100%. But when you make yourself a priority in your life, your life becomes much more pleasurable and amazing. It’s important to ensure than you are taking care of your own needs. When you become the best version of yourself, your positive vibes spread like a wildfire to the people who are important to you. By doing this you are not only improving the lives of people around you, but also you are also maximizing your potential and happiness.

Some useful tips that help to make you an active dad:

Take your child out for a good walk, kick of the ball, fly a frizby, a bicycle ride
Make the time to do something your child love or something that gives your child joy and excitement.
Take out some time from your routine to relax. It doesn’t mean that you need long hours; even 20 minutes are enough to be relaxed.
Do yoga or meditation regularly. It will help strengthen your body and helps you feel better about your mood.
Exercise daily. Workout daily doesn’t mean that you need a gym membership and build a six-pack, but any small activity that makes your body moving is beneficial for you in staying active and fit.

When you are active you are more helpful to the people around you. When you prioritize your time and if you are able to spend the free time with your kids, you are actually creating memorable moments with your kids and taking a healthier part in their up bringing.

Self-care is not selfish – it is a commitment to yourself that makes you realize that if you want to be healthy and active with others you need to take better care of yourself.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Kids Activities

We all know the woman who disappeared on her way home from Friday night drinks

30/09/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Homicide investigator Ron Iddles

Her name was Jill Meagher and her murder rocked our world.

Who saw the documentary on ABC called CONVICTION? I was so proud of the police who were assigned to the murder case. They worked so hard to solve it and they did quickly. It took six days to catch Jill Meagher’s killer, about six hours for him to confess, and six minutes for a judge to remand him in custody. I am purposely not mentioning Jill’s killers name or showing a photo of him – he is nothing to this world and gets no airtime from me.

I was sad to learn that two forensic investigators left the police force after attending the scene of Jill’s Meaghers body. It affected all people working the case. Sergeant Iddles (pictured above) said his colleagues, Sergeant Butler and Sergeant Rowe, both struggled after the investigation, with Rowe eventually deciding to leave the Homicide Squad. Even Sergeant Iddles said he remembers going home at night and was brought to tears.

This case effected our whole community because this was a women like every women we know that innocently tried to walk home from a bar that so many of us have done before, but on this night she walked into the path of a monster! I believe our sense of personal security changed forever with this case.

Three days after the monster was charged, 30,000 people staged a now-iconic march down Sydney Road in Brunswick, to remember Jill and to reclaim the night.

I wonder how the two forensic investigators, Sergeant Butler and Sergeant Rowe are doing now? We trust and pray they are doing well.

Filed Under: Dads Health

A quick way for men to determine if you have hearing loss?

27/09/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Hearing loss isn’t the kind of thing most men like to talk about but in fact, about 1 in 6 people in Australia suffer from hearing loss which increases to over 1 in 4 for people over 60.

Most men tend to ignore the early signs of hearing loss, they ask their wife or kids to speak a little louder, they turn the TV up or they just tend to accept it as part of life. Unfortunately, as hearing loss progresses it can impact almost every aspect of your life from work to your relationships.

As a dad myself, I love taking my kids to the footy or taking them to a concert. On the weekend I play in a band with a couple of mates.

Unfortunately, these activities involve loud noises which can seriously accelerate hearing loss. Also, if you work at a construction site, manufacturing plant or other places where you are constantly exposed to loud noises you could also be causing damage to your hearing.

To give you an example, here is a list of sounds and their decibel ratings

Normal Conversation – 60 Decibels
Heavy Traffic – 85 Decibels
Motorbikes – 95 Decibels
Listening to Music on phone max volume – 105 Decibels
Power Saw – 110 Decibels
Rock Concert – 125 – 150 decibels

Source: www.ozen.com.au

Any long or repeated exposure to noise over 85 decibels can cause permanent damage to your hearing. It doesn’t take much.

Ever gone to a wedding or bar and come out with your ears ringing? That’s a warning sign that the volume is too loud.

So what can you do?

First, you have to be aware which means you can take active steps to avoid situations that are going to be damaging to your hearing.

If you can’t avoid these situations, then you can take active steps to protect your ears such as using ear plugs or even noise blocking earmuffs. While I know they don’t look the best it’s better than causing further damage to your hearing.

So what can you do if you’re suffering from hearing loss?

You need to get your hearing tested to determine the level and cause of your hearing loss. It’s really important to get advice from a qualified audiologist who can give you proper advice and determine whether you need to see a specialist.

They may find your hearing loss can be alleviated with a hearing aid.

Fortunately, modern hearing aids are packed with the latest technology in tiny, discreet devices. Hearing aids are programmed to suit your particular level of hearing loss as well as adjust to the environments and situations you most commonly find yourself in. The latest hearing aids are able to connect and stream directly to your phone or TV and are smaller than a coin.

There are also devices that sit directly in your canal which means they are basically invisible to others.

Recent studies have shown that people suffering from hearing loss with hearing aids have a much greater quality of life then ignoring the problem.

Ozen provide independent and unbiased advice for people suffering from hearing loss. Give them a call on 1300 848 335 and one of their consultants can explain more about modern hearing aids and arrange an appointment with a local partner audiologist.

Filed Under: Dads Health, General posts & comments

Can Richie be a good step dad?

24/09/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

In short, yes and no?

I hope Richie realises the importance of the decision he has made.

It has been all glitz and glamour for the Bachelor and lets face it, its not real world!

It’s pretty easy to fall in love when you have 22 women literally throwing them-self at you and you are the center of attention. Locked away in a fairyland environment with a mansion, champagne, chefs and housekeepers, Ferrari drives through the countryside, day spa treatments, Learjet dates to exotic locations, picnics in the gardens of a beautiful homestead, Motorcycle and Helicopter dates in settings designed by an interior decorator – OMG!

You have to wonder what happens when you get home and the dishwasher needs emptying, the floor needs to be swept, dinner needs to be cooked and you have a 5 year old crying that wont sleep at 2am and you have to be at work at 8am for a meeting with you boss? Hellloooo real world… and this is the true test.
Real people will come out, they will not be masked by lavish, exciting and extravagant planned single and group dates that only James Packer can afford.

Meet “Richie” an offshore Rigger from Perth and “Alex” an Events Manager from Melbourne – both real people.

It’s Richie from Perth that we are most interested in and how will he step up to be a good step dad? The decision to be Alex’s partner is a big one and not to be taken lightly, its a commitment not only to Alex but to her son Elijah too.

Being a step dad is similar to being a biological dad, Richie will suddenly have a child, Elijah is not a baby and Richie has not had the time to grow up with him and get used to fatherhood and what it takes. I’m not sure where Elijah’s biological father is, I hope he is around and is in Elijah life. Richie will be Alex’s partner and by default will be Elijah’s step dad which comes with responsibilities.

Richie will be a good step dad is he takes on board the following tips:

Spending time on the activities that Elijah likes such as football, swimming, homework etc the more time Richie devotes to Elijah the quicker he will accept Richie into his life and take the role of a step dad.
Richie likes camping and surf fishing, he will want to involve Elijah on all of those activities, not only does it connect them but lets face it, it will give Alex a break from time to time whilst the boys bond.
Communication is important and it will be great if Richie is open and honest with Elijah, he will need to listen to Elijah non-judgmentally, particularly if Elijah is the one instigating the chat.
Always be a good listener and never get upset or yell if Elijah does something to upset you.
NEVER discuss negative opinions of Elijah father in front of him or with anyone else, it’s not your business or area to discuss. Each father has their own parenting style that their kids have adopted. Unless his father is abusive, keep your opinions to your self! And if the father is in Elijah life, respect and support the relationship in a completely positive way.
Everyone needs love and attention and someone who is interested in them. Be that person, show open affection and be the guy who hugs Elijah and is there for him whenever he needs you. If Elijah needs to cry, have your shoulder ready with a cuddle and give him the “time” he deserves.
Alex is the lead parent and her wishes on parenting take priority over your beliefs, So get on board with how Alex likes Elijah parented and support her. Things like, bedtimes, homework routines, cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom, putting their dishes in the dishwasher.
After a while Richie will feel comfortable in the role as a step dad and start to take things a normal. For the rest of Elijah life Richie will need to check in with Alex on big decisions for him, Richie should not be making big decisions for Elijah without first running it past Alex. Things like, booking a holiday just for the boys, Buying him a play-station with shoot-em up war games, buying him a motorcycle when he is 18, taking him parachuting or taking Elijah on any dangerous adventures.
Alex is a mother and cannot always spend time with you alone, when you feel like it. There will be times when Alex will need to spend time with Elijah when you would prefer she was spending time with you “Welcome to the real work of parenting”. Yes it sucks sometimes but its reality!
Be a great example to Elijah, show him how to be a good person like volunteering for people not as well off as yourself. Show him generosity, how to save, how you treat girls/Alex, how you put your family first, how you respect the elderly, how to have a healthy lifestyle with no smoking, no excessive drinking and show him love.
Being a step dad comes with the responsibility of helping to bring up a child, its a leadership role, Elijah will need to understand boundaries, respect and manners. There will be conflict at some point, just be yourself and have patience, empathy and love through the troubled times.
Be yourself without the show, kids like honest and real people who are dedicated to the cause. Kids always like to be told that you love them, when you can, tell him often.

Its going to be a different scene from the ones you have played out over the last couple of months. Don’t think about being a good step dad, just treat him as if he was your own and if you love Alex that much, you can love her child the same.

Best wishes for a happy future together.

Filed Under: Fathering, Parenting

Men – managing emotions

22/08/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Men often feel that that they have to go it alone, that they’re responsibility is to provide and look after there family and love one’s whilst putting there own feelings and needs last.
This can play with mens emotions particularly if they do not know how to self monitor their feeling and have skills around coping strategies.

Not knowing how to cope with feelings and emotions can play out in negative ways such as displaying anger, feelings of sadness and withdrawing from friends and family. There could be times that you are feeling anxious, nervous, unsettled or angry and are not sure what is driving it or how to correct those emotions. Mensline are set up for Men who feel overwhelmed with their emotions and not sure how to cope. If you feel that you need to speak to someone in a confidential environment, call Mensline on 1300 78 99 78