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Equality Vs Power and Control

11/06/2017 By 3 Comments

There has been so much effort over the last few years in trying to curb men’s behavior when it comes to violence in the home. There will be much more work done in this area and anyone that thinks that using violence is ok should think again.

I have always wondered want benefits are there for using violence? The costs outway the benefits one thousand fold such as, loosing relationships, loosing children, shame, guilt, financial costs, self asteem, trust, employment, self respect and more…

The government is putting millions of dollars in communication and training more facilitators to help retrain these men on how to behave respectfully and in a non violent way to keep their family safe. This course is called the “Mens Behavioural Change Program”  or MBCP.

Men will buy a ticket on this train (course) if they are brought to the attention of the Police or Courts, it will be made mandatory for many. I have even heard that the men’s wife have said unless they correct their behavior they will leave them and the relationship will end. These men sign up for the course voluntary to help save their relationship.

Family Violence can take on the form of many behaviours, if you were unsure about your own behaviours in the home, let’s look at FAMILY VIOLENCE ACT 2008 – SECT 5

Meaning of Family Violence:

Behaviour by a person towards a family member of that person if that behaviour

  • is physically or sexually abusive
  • is emotionally or psychologically abusive
  • is economically abusive
  • is threatening
  • is coercive
  • in any other way controls or dominates the family member and causes that family member to feel fear for the safety or well-being of that member or another person
  • unlawfully depriving a family member of the family members liberty or threatening to do so
  • causing or threatening to cause the death of, or injury to, an animal, whether or not the animal belongs to the family member to whom the behaviour is directed to as to control, dominate or coerce the family member

Behaviour by a person that causes a child to hear or witness, or otherwise be exposed to the effects of, behaviour refereed to in the above points.

Examples:

  • overhearing threats of physical abuse by one family member towards another family member
  • seeing or hearing an assault of a family member who has been physically abused by another family member
  • comforting or providing assistance to another family member who has been physically abused by another family member
  • cleaning up a site after a family member has intentionally another family members property
  • being present when police officers attend an incident involving physical abuse of a family member by another family member

To remove doubt – It is declared that behaviour may constitute family violence even if the behaviour would not constitute a criminal offence.

There is a huge difference between Anger and Violence. Anger is an emotion and Violence is a behaviour that is completely unacceptable and there is never an “ok” time to use it in the home on family members.

Violence comes from POWER and CONTROL, see below the 8 categories that constitute family violence

The Men’s Behavioural Change Programs is for men who want to stop using violence in the home and concentrates on teaching skills and providing tools to treat their family members with EQUALITY. See below the EQUALITY wheel that every family member deserves to feel.

Ifyou know you are using any type of violence, intimidation or coercion in the home, please get help.

Google MBCP nearest you. Some of the organisations that provide MBCP are:

Relationships Australia
Heavy M.E.T.A.L Program
FamilyCare
Lifeworks
Anglicare

Also call the following help lines that can talk about it with you and assist you in finding help:

  • Mens Referral Service 1300766491
  • Lifeline 131114
  • MensLine 1300789978

Or send us a message and we will assist in locating a program nearest you

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting

When you just cant be there!

20/05/2017 By 6 Comments

If you’re separated or divorced and don’t have a good access arrangement, this might help you stay better connected.

Missing your child and feeling like they’re missing out on you is a heavy weight to carry.  Kids are resilient and I found that if they are loved and cared for at both houses then they grow up stable. That doesn’t help the feeling of loss and grief that a Dads have to bare during the times they are absent.

One area that I have always been interested in and a keen participant is…keeping in-touch in between the times you are together and letting my child know that they are top of mind even if you can not be together for a week or two?

I found a great way to keep in-touch during the absent times and it became a bit of a hobby.

Wherever I happened to be, if there was a card shop or newsagency, I would always walk in and look for a card just to say “hi” There are some really nice and creative cards on the market, there would always be a different card that I thought my child would like. Over the years there would have been shoe boxes full of cards that I had sent and I doubt that I ever doubled up on the one card 🙂

Kids like to get mail from the postman, it makes them feel special

I would send a card once a week, the first card I would post just after my access visit as it would take a day or two to arrive. I would write simple things about the fun we had that weekend and how much I loved doing things together and sign off that I loved her.

The card on the second week would simply talk about how is her week going, how is school? and I am looking forward to the weekend and will pick you up at normal time.

I never mentioned  any comment about missing her as I did not want her to feel sad in any way, I made the card always happy, positive and upbeat.

You can get personalized stickers with your initials to seal the back of the envelope or better still both initials or an emblem that they’ll know instantly the card is from you. Click here for a supplier

Have you guys tried that or what are some of the other things you’re doing?

This post was first published in 2012 and updated in 2017.
Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Kids Health, Separation

19 things I wish I had of known that could have saved my marriage

23/04/2017 By Leave a Comment

I remember standing at the alter listening carefully to the minister say the following words because I believed them to be true, not quiet realizing the amount of effort it would take from both sides to make them work and go the distance.

Those classic words

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.

And then your bride would repeat

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my husband to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.

Well that was the plan….

Since then, divorce and separation touched my life, costing me relationships, work opportunities, money, loss & grief of not fathering my children day to day and mental health in some degree.

I am a strong believer in having pre-marriage counseling. We did attend a session with the church minister but it was very soft in the topics covered. None of the home truths were discussed or any of the tough questions that could prove to be a relationship killer. It was all simply a “tick the box” by the church minister and a process we needed to follow before he would marry us.

Its critical that couples go into serious relationships or relationships that will produce children with knowledge and their eyes WIDE OPEN!

The things I wish we had of known but know now:

  • You will both need to work at fulfilling your vows to make your marriage last.
  • The strength of your love needs to be there from the start and not based simply on surface looks. It must come from a deeper place
  • There will be times that your relationship will feel lost but love each other enough to be patient and ride the storm because the good times do come back.
  • The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, work at watering your own grass and it will stay green
  • Can you imagine growing old with this person, will they be there for you?
  • You will need to bite your tongue. When you argue, spend some time alone if necessary to cool down so you don’t use hurtful language
  • Allow each other times to be in-charge, in all aspects of the relationship
  • If you feel your partner doesn’t want to talk about an important issue, be patient, they’ll come around
  • Marriage can get boring, look for the little things every day that you are grateful for
  • No one is perfect, expect stupidity, absent mindfulness and never perfection
  • You partner is different from the other relationships you have, nurture it and make it extra special
  • It will take both of you to be feel easy and relaxed with no restrictions or judgments
  • If you feel your partner is controlling & aggressive i.e. physically or emotionally – it wont work
  • Allow each other to have their down times and quiet times. We all need to rest and recharge
  • Look to always serve your partner, every little thing you do for each other makes for a happier marriage and builds resilience
  • Continue to look after each other when you have children. The kids will be gone one day and you will be back to the two of you again, nurture it
  • It is important that you are both working at it, it can not work if you are the only one
  • There will be times you need to care for each other and step up when things get tough…and they will
  • Its normal to question the strength of your relationship when things are tough, you both need to be patient and acknowledge it will get better

It’s never to late to modify behavior. What are some of the things you’ve found helpful in maintaining a healthy long-term relationship?

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Separation

Encouraging mens mental health conversations

04/04/2017 By 1 Comment

It can be hard for men to open up and talk about how they are feeling. And this can have serious impacts on their mental health and wellbeing.

In fact research by the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that men are three times more likely to die by suicide and twice as likely to have a substance abuse disorder.

So how can men reduce this gap and improve their mental health?

Hugh Martin, founder of counselling service Man Enough, says the first step is to encourage conversations within organisations – such as sporting clubs, groups and workplaces – making space available for men to talk about how they’re going.

‘You want men to start to look out for one another. If I was in a bad way I would love it if someone could reach out tap me on the shoulder and say “Hey do you want to go and have a chat?” ’, says Hugh.

‘It comes back to that 360-degree model of leadership, we’re all leaders, we’re all managers of our own responsibility and of ensuring that as an organisation we value welfare and making sure we live it.’

Counsellor and Team Leader at Mensline, Glen Benton, says that men need to change the way they talk about their own mental health.

‘Often the way men cover things up is with subtle language,’ Glen says.

‘When men speak about themselves, they tend to speak in the third-person. Rather than saying “I feel afraid… I feel over worked”, men will say “Well you know… you go to work everyday…and you just want to be left alone…“.’

Glen says this is typically how men speak about what they are feeling – depersonalising the language to depersonalise the emotions. He believes that if men allow themselves to be vulnerable it will change everything.

If you feel overwhelmed and need to talk please call:

How do we know if someone is experiencing mental health problems? read it here

Article by SANE AUSTRALIA

 

Filed Under: Dads Health

The secret for an argument free zone

13/03/2017 By 1 Comment

I always wondered when the debating of simple tasks and requests would start or unnecessary attitude, i can tell you its around 10-12 then buckle up at 13+.
Prior to that, they are beautiful pliable sweethearts that allow you to guide them, take them and pick them up from anywhere and they follow instruction without question (their still beautiful).

Now is chalk and cheese, its another stage that will pass and we will eventually move on… but boy, it can be frustrating, stressful, challenging and hair pulling crazy (if I had any) during those years. I have experienced lying straight to my face over the simplest things, not taking responsibility for actions like loosing keys, public transport cards and keeping their room tidy. We know that teenagers go through a growing up phase and test their weight and Independence with parents.

They do this knowing that the worst thing that will happen is they get a verbal telling off or loose there phone privileges for a day, all pretty soft punishment and i imagine in their mind not enough to curve the behavior?

I think when kids start questioning parents they are trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong because they are starting to become a little more knowledgeable in the world. Although very annoying and frustrating for us parents, its important to remember to keep our composure (don’t fight rudeness with rudeness or yelling with yelling), remind them of the boundaries and politeness they need to show other people and don’t bite back.

I would always keep on carrying out consequences such as reduced time for TV, Loose mobile phone/iPad usage, Early to bed and let them know this will happen if it continues so there are no surprises when it does.

A tip for a argument free zone, is, I do not expect 100% good behavior during these years (it’s about your expectation). I accept 80%, so during these years they can have their own room 20% messier than normal (nowhere else) 20% more attitude without being disrespectful, 20% more moody and they can have that in the quiet of their own bedroom. It takes the pressure off everyone because I feel if we are looking for perfection you will not find it anywhere and it will cause ongoing arguing, so just give them a little slack.

I was told once that everything we do for our children should be a gift. We should not expect anything in return! i.e. we should not expect good behavior because we cook, wash and clean for them. If you expect this then don’t do it. Do these things for them out of love.

Its always a great idea to explain what is acceptable and its a discussion you will not only have once...When your beautiful child says ? Get off my back! or Shut up!? they have often heard it said on their favorite TV shows or possibly from the friends they’re hanging around with.  So be clear about what is and isn’t okay. Tell them, it’s fine to say that she’s angry or tired, for instance, or that she doesn’t feel like talking at the moment. But name-calling, yelling, or telling you to go away is unacceptable.

So there is no need to throw the towel in, its important that your kids know that you will always be in the game regardless of their behavior. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will arrive sometime around 18+. Our kids feel the freedom they have been craving. They are getting into full or part-time work, going to Uni, getting their license and feel what its like to have more independence. So turning human again at 18 plus is not to far away for some but for others it feels like a million years 🙂

Its important you don’t let the outburst episodes eat into you, remember its a phases and a time that will pass so don’t buy into the terrible behavior. Roll with it, respond calmly and be kind to yourself even if others aren’t being kind to you. Self-care is critical during these year, treat yourself, find peaceful time away from the kids, talk to a counsellor. Do what ever it take to stay in the game without dissolving your relationship with your child because its not personal, its very normal and happening across millions of homes.

Its a stage like all others stages of growing up and they are completely aware of it too (It’s not easy for them either). Love them unconditionally and be as tolerant as possible, the stage will pass.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Don’t look, it can ruin everything

09/03/2017 By 3 Comments

If you like eating sausages, there is a saying that goes…Don’t look how the sausage is made, it will ruin everything.

We grow up learning about childbirth and never really connect the dots that when it happens to our partner, it’s a very full on confronting experience and not for the lighthearted.

Childbirth for Men can have the same effect as its a little hard to look at the vagina the same way anymore! Something that we once worshiped has been torn apart and beaten up, lets face it and be honest, it is not a pretty sight and very unsexy. It can take a while to get those images out of our mind, if ever at all? There are some women who would worry about what their man thought of them sexually after seeing childbirth.

We have complete admiration for the resilience and strength that women have which allows them to go through childbirth, but if all we can do is hold there hand and not add much more value than that, then I vote we wait in the waiting room and let their mum’s, sisters, aunties, cousins do the hand holding.

Some experts have said that childbirth is actually more difficult for the women when the man is present? The birth tends to take longer and is more painful if we are in the room.

Can it effect our sex life? Let’s face it, there are so many things that we do in order to make sex enjoyable. Many men and women are slightly shy and ease into sex through foreplay both physically and mentally. Seeing childbirth should be one of those things that we keep private to preserve the intimacy, imagery and fantasy of sex.

My Dad told me that in his day, men were not allowed to be in the birthing room. When the baby was born, the mother and baby rested for a bit and the dad entered the room a little later. I don’t see anything wrong with that..at all!

Some women will say that you are missing out on the greatest event of humankind, yes ok but OMG!  If you both agree that it could be better to wait outside, then there is nothing wrong with that strategy at all. If you are needed and wanted in the birthing room, stay up the right end…I warn you!

I would think that many men & women would agree with this, do you?

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships

xox when they need rescuing

05/03/2017 By Leave a Comment

I recently read an article about having an TEXT word if your children are ever in a spot they feel that they can’t get out off and need “rescuing”.

The article was very good but the plan they were using was called the X Plan. The idea was to send an “X” if they needed an out to a situation they found themselves him.

The issue with an X is that if I got this during the night I would just think my daughter was sending me a kiss. I wouldn’t jump out of bed, and head to rescue her, I would probably just send back a “x”.

The idea behind this methodology is to keep your children safe if they feel they are out of their depth or find themselves in a spot they can’t get out of.

I spoke to my daughter about these situations you could find yourself in, such as:

  • Being with a group of boys that you feel are not respecting you or your girlfriends
  • Being offered drugs and the people you are with are not accepting no
  • People you are with are drinking more than you feel comfortable with
  • The boy you are with wants to have sex and he is not accepting no
  • You’re in a aggressive situation and feel you cant leave on your own
  • Have found yourself with strangers and you feel uncomfortable with them for any reason
  • You feel trapped and find it difficult to get way from any harmful situation

I also discussed to be assertive and confident with your decisions but if that is not working then you need to send me a sms with XOX (a little like SOS). This is a safe-plan and using some letters that she would not normally use. I get all the x’s but never a xox, so we decided that was a good sms. You work out the best sms code that work for you too 🙂

If and when I received an sms, I would call the her phone immediately and say…

Hi, Something has happened with a family member and I need to come and get you. I will tell you more about it when you are in the car. Where are you, I am on my way.

If the location is not the location I was expecting her to be, I am happy for her to tell me as little or as much as she wants to. I am just happy that she is away from a situation she believed was harmful.

Filed Under: Children, Daughters, Fathering, General posts & comments, Parenting, Sons

Once bitten twice shy

19/02/2017 By Leave a Comment

The dictionary explains it this way “If someone is said to be once bitten, twice shy, it means that once someone was hurt by something or someone, they will be afraid to try it again”

Often referred to in love terms, hurt holds us back from exploring, letting someone in, going past a first date or even dating at all.

When we get hurt and that can be emotionally, financially or physically it cuts so deep that there is no wonder we approach new relationships with caution!

It’s normal to take things slow after a traumatic experience or even to have some good time finding yourself again. Finding the things you like to do, the happiness after a breakup needs to be come back otherwise you are not the real you. Who wants to hear about your sad stories on the first few dates? Make sure you have discovered enjoyable things to do, concentrated on your health and feel emotionally strong.

So time is critical but make sure you don’t hang out there forever, because finding the right one for you can be life changing in the best way. If it is going on for years, seek some professional support. When you have some time under your belt and you’re feeling like dating again, choose well and take it slow.

Don’t think to far ahead, take each day at a time. If you ask someone out on a date, just think about that 1 date or that 1 coffee or 1 meal. Focus only on that one day then if you want to see them again, just focus again on just that next one meeting.

Trust people for the day, its was probably a trust issue that caused your pain in the first place. Remind yourself that that one person who betrayed you or who treated you badly was by their actions. They cheated. They lied. They alienated the kids from you. You don’t know what these other women have done or capable of doing…yet. They might be an amazing beautiful person, so give them one (1) chance.

Wait until you see signs that they’re less than sincere. Then you could question them. But until then? Just trust them today. That way if they do disappoint you, you didn’t invest to much time into them.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships

Poll: What do you want to know?

11/02/2017 By 2 Comments

Dads Online is about to turn 5. Since the beginning we have written about many topics. I remember the early days we were all about: connecting with your children after absence, When you just cant be there, Parenting plans, Dads have feelings too, ways to make your child feel secure, What to say to the kids, The first night alone, When you have to visit the ex, Travel games, Being happy alone, Making chocolate crackles plus 100’s more.

There is so much more to talk about but I want to make sure that I am answering questions and concerns that are important to you.

Below is a survey I would love for you to be apart of.  Select the area’s of’ importance to you and we will provide tips and information that will benefit us all. If you have a topic that is not mentioned please contact us or enter it into “other” on the poll and let us know.

Filed Under: Activities, Fathering, Lifestyle, Meals, Separation, Some Fun

The importance of encouraging good oral hygiene at both homes

23/01/2017 By Leave a Comment

When kids have two homes their regular routines can often go out the window; one parent may well be more likely to allow more TV time than the other, for example, or prefer eating out to cooking at home. However one routine that it’s important doesn’t get lost during the change-over process is teeth cleaning and good oral hygiene, particularly amongst younger children. The noticeable long term habits of having a good teeth cleaning routine mean it’s worth the effort of establishing good habits now, even if your children are reluctant. Here are some hints and tips for encouraging good oral hygiene, and helping your kids form healthy dental habits that will last a lifetime:

Provide Help and Support

Many parents believe that simply providing access to a toothbrush and toothpaste is enough to encourage good oral hygiene habits, but in reality you need to be much more involved than that. Dental experts recommend that you should physically brush and floss your child’s teeth for them until they are at least six years old (and have the coordination skills to competently and consistently tie their own shoe laces). You should clean their teeth for them for at least two minutes every morning before breakfast and every evening before bedtime, using a fluoride based toothpaste and an age appropriate tooth brush. Once you have cleaned their teeth for them, encourage your child to then brush their teeth independently for another minute: this will build their confidence and encourage them to develop the skills they will need when they are old enough to brush their teeth independently. Once your child is over the age of six you should still supervise their teeth cleaning, to ensure they are brushing regularly and with good technique

Have Everything You Need in Your Home

When kids are switching from one home to the other it’s easy for things to be left behind, however if they forget their toothbrush this could give them the excuse their looking for to have an extended break from teeth cleaning. Given the equipment needed for good dental practice is so inexpensive, why not have everything they need permanently in your home? Buy them a tooth brush, tooth paste, and dental floss that they have constant access to. Why not take them shopping and let them choose their own? Toothbrushes are now available in a wide range of colours, designs, and even featuring their favourite cartoon characters, which could help to make teeth cleaning time a little more fun.

Model Good Habits

Children learn their behaviours by watching their parents and modelling on them, so it’s important to practice what you preach. Clean your teeth thoroughly morning and night, and take care of your smile. Why not clean your teeth at the same time as your child’s, so that you can form the healthy habit together?  Whilst regular dentist visits can be expensive, particularly if you don’t have dental coverage, it’s important that you visit the dentist regularly and that you take your child to the dentist regularly too. Dentist trips are no fun for anyone, and your child is likely to be reluctant and apprehensive, but it is the best way of ensuring your child better understands the importance of taking care of their teeth, and of dealing with any dental problems as soon as they arise.

 Talk About What Will Happen If They Don’t Brush

It can be difficult to deal with a reluctant tooth brusher, and most parents don’t relish the thought of having to hold down their distressed child so they can brush their teeth, so finding other strategies to encourage good oral hygiene is preferable. Talk to your child about cavities and tooth decay, explaining how germs will affect their smile and that once teeth have been damaged by decay they cannot be repaired: if your child is a visual learner then showing them some images of damaged smiles and decayed teeth online might well help to drive your message home. Good oral hygiene is a lifelong habit that needs to be formed as soon as possible, so it’s important to use whatever tools you have in your armoury to get your child brushing every day.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting

Getting rid of credit cards once and for all

15/01/2017 By 1 Comment

Over Christmas I read a book by The barefoot investor. It made a lot of sense, more sense than I have heard before about getting on top of finances.
If you’re having trouble getting control over your money, don’t worry, there is a way of getting rid of your debt & loans and enjoying financial freedom again.

Go buy the book, its online but a quick simple step that hooked me was to firstly cut those credit cards up. Secondly, I have been juggling my monthly salary and paying as much off my multiple debts as possible. I had a couple of credit cards, a car & motorcycle loan and a mortgage. If you thought trying to paying as much as you can off all of them was the answer…wait a sec, keep reading.

Put your debt/loans into a list from smallest to largest. Go on, all of them. Your credit card debt is the most important. Concentrate on the smallest debt first and from now-on pay the minimum off all of the debts (accept the smallest) Work to knock off the smallest first, then the next and the next. It might take a little while but by focusing on paying one (1) off at a time you will get wins and eventually pay them all down to zero (Freedom).

I wasn’t thinking that way, i thought by adding a little extra to all of them would reduce the debt but really it was going to take forever to pay them off. Focus on paying extra to the smallest debt and then working through the rest will clear debt quicker in the right order and start to free up your cash.

The important key here is to cut up the cards and only live on what you can pay cash for, a good lesson for our kids.
The barefoot investor has a really good formula for splitting up your salary each month and saving for the future and allowing yourself to splurge too.

Note: this is not a paid advertisement for the barefoot investor, i just really liked the book and the practical ideas he had.

Can I say, if you need your credit card to fill a gap at the end of the month, you need to adjust your lifestyle, and reduce expenses so that your monthly salary covers everything.

Go on, make 2017 the year of clearing debt and enjoy the freedom of having money.

#barefootinvestor #theonlymoneyguideyoulleverneed #scottpape www.thebarefootinvestor.com

Filed Under: Dads Health, Finances

A must watch: Simon Sinek – Millennials in the work place

13/01/2017 By Leave a Comment

We live in a world that is consumed by technology and social media. Relationships suffer, work and our ability to cope with everyday stresses are tough for our children. Children born post 1982 have been brought up in a new and potentially damaging era, a time never seen by their parents. Mr Simon Sinek talks about how we have become this addicted society to social media, why it is so damaging and how we can change it and make life more personal, enjoyable, develop meaningful relationships and be more satisfied at work. Something our children must learn and its starts with us! A very interesting and en-lighting video discussion on what we can do.  It will be the best 18 minutes you spend this year 🙂 Oh, and put your phone AWAY when you watch it – unless of course your watching from your phone LOL

 

Filed Under: Dads Health, Kids Health, Parenting, Relationships, Video