Separation Archives - Page 11 of 21

We don’t want the kids to see dysfunction

08/10/2015 By DO 1 Comment

I happened to over hear a women speaking with a colleague over coffee at work yesterday about how her ex husband was making her life difficult? Obviously this made my ears prick up! She said that he has been calling her complaining that he doesn’t see the kids enough and that he wants to see them more often and more regularly.

She was saying that the kids don’t really want to go because it’s boring and all they do is watch TV. She was saying that she had told him this but he doesn’t believe me and that I am making it up, she said “I just want him to go away and leave us alone”! He has been pestering me about seeing the kids more for a couple of years and I am sick of it.

Enter Peter… I couldn’t help myself! I said to her, can I ask why you got divorced in the first place? She said he left me for another women and he now lives with her.

OK, its making some sense now. I thought there must be a reason for your annoyance towards him and your inability to let him help by being a father to both of your children.

Here I go… You know (I said), this isn’t about your hurt feelings its about a father rightfully wanting to see and be apart of his kids lives. The kids may have said they’re bored but what kids don’t get bored? They need their dad! and you should encourage them to see him and not put road blocks in his way.

I said, if he isn’t a drug addict or abusive to them, you should only help him have a good relationship with them. Regardless of what you feel he did to you, you should never get in the way of his ability to be a good dad to them! I finished by saying again. “They need their dad”.

I think she got the shock of her life as she wasn’t expecting someone to challenge her, she didn’t argue back, just listened and then said to her friend, I’m going back to work.

I hope she thought long and hard about her actions.

It made me think, kids do not need to see dysfunctional behaviour between two separated arguing parents, They need role models to learn from so that when they start a family of their own they have a good set of guidelines to go by when things get tough.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Separation

Missing childhood events can impact adult relations

01/10/2015 By DO 5 Comments

For many years my eldest daughter has not spoken to me and I don’t really know why? You do a lot of soul searching and try to piece events together to get some sense of her saying that she “wants to distance herself from you”

She has married and you guessed it, I was not invited to the wedding! No walking her down the isle, no spending time with her prior to the wedding reminiscing about life and the wonderful possibilities that lay ahead. No meeting her future husband or her new extended family, just shut out. I did not do anything that deserves this punishment.

My relationship with her I believe was loving but less than satisfactory due to the restraints that were put upon us. When she was only a little child of 2 years, the family court said I could only see her on every second weekend. Making the most of it, we were Melbourne’s biggest tourists. I kept myself available for that weekend. I didn’t seek out career opportunities because it may have had me working away from home, I didn’t take on a girlfriend because I wanted to be completely available to her. Those weekends seemed to come around quickly, it was 52 days out of 365 a year and I cherished every one of them.

I sought counselling in the early days to deal with the grief of missing her and coping with a non supportive mother. They told me “maintain your commitment and don’t argue, just be her knight and shining armour and she will realise you are a good dad and a committed one when she is older”. In the weeks between, I would send her a card or a CD single of what ever was a popular song for that fortnight, there must have been shoe boxes of them if they were kept? but I think the forces were against me from the start!

She very quickly had a step-father and two step sisters, an instant family versus a single dad every second weekend.

Looking back I liken it to getting in the ring with Danny Green, it was never going to go my way.

Separation from your child causes sadness, heartache, regret and shame, not to mention the belief that you’ve failed at one of life’s most important tasks. Never for one moment would I have believed that I would be rejected for no apparent reason or no explanation?

Confused and at a loss to understand why I have been cut out of her life, I went searching online for answers. It seems that instances like this are often rooted in issues that go back to childhood. Issues and feelings that were never dealt with during childhood such as a conflicted divorce which can cause pain and anger that can fester. Then a “triggering incident” occurs later in life, often leading to an argument, and then the child cuts the parent off.

The arguments that can trigger these events can be a little as where to have Christmas dinner? In my case it was over her inability to attend the theater which opened up a can of worms that I was never expecting.

It has been very hard for me to comprehend what I did to push her away, in my mind I chased her and Ive been available all her growing years (every second weekend) until late teens. However there are some critical moments that play a huge role in the ability to connect in the early years that may result in suppressed anger and disappointment.

Answers I have uncovered recently that I wish I had of known earlier. Questions like:

Were you there for their school plays?
Did you attend parent teacher interviews,
Did you help them with their homework?
Did you go to their birthday parties?
Did you take care of them when they were sick?

Knowing the answers to these questions gives me insight into how my absence could have contributed in her ability to walk away.

I was never avoiding my daughter it was the set of circumstances we were in, I regretted every day that we were apart.

My ex wife and I did not have a co-parenting relationship, I had to constantly fight for fair access even though there was a court order in place. At one point I was denied my agreed access so I headed immediately back to court and had it reinstated. This went on during the early years which killed any future healthy communication between her mother and I. Attending any joint events I felt like I was not welcome and I didn’t want my daughter to see that.

Regrettably I couldn’t attend her 21st, I was completely torn between going and not going. The anxiety I felt was overwhelming. Lots of old “so called” friends that deserted me like rats leaving a sinking ship were going to be at the party. I had become very distant and removed from that circle of friends due to our divorce. Even my best friend of 25 years sided with his fiance at the time and chose to distance himself from me. To attend what I perceived to be the “lions den” caused over whelming anxiety, I just couldn’t do it! .

I discuss my feelings in depth with my daughter and I thought she understood my position, maybe not… I cant help but think what is happening now could be part of that unresolved festering anger ?

I know that an apology may not heal all wounds, I did wish back then I had the chance. She refuses to communicate and didn’t return calls or messages after repeated attempts on my part, so I have pulled back. You can’t force someone to love you, at some point you need to come to peace with the fact that you did everything you could to be the best dad that you were allowed to be.

I will be the only father she will ever have. She has now had 2 children of her own, hopefully she will understand the undying bond between a parent and a child has and imagines what I went through as a separated dad seeing her sadly only 52 days a year.

Some of my reference material from my online sole searching has been from: The secret side of anger , Why adolescence don’t appreciate their parents , How to heal a rift with your adult children

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Relationships, Separation, Sons

Why washing hands is important

18/09/2015 By DO Leave a Comment

A scrumptious dirt pie, a good-luck rock, a slippery frog — just some of the types of goodies kids love to bring home. But these special gifts also can bring thousands of germs with them.

Kids don’t always listen when parents tell them to wash their hands before eating, after using the bathroom, or when they come inside from playing. But it’s a message worth repeating — hand washing is by far the best way to prevent germs from spreading and to keep kids from getting sick.

First Line of Defense Against Germs

Germs can spread many ways, including:

touching dirty hands
changing dirty diapers
through contaminated water and food
through droplets in the air released during a cough or sneeze
on contaminated surfaces
through contact with a sick person’s body fluids

When kids come into contact with germs, they can unknowingly become infected simply by touching their eyes, nose, or mouth. I don’t know any child that doesn’t put there hands in their mouth often and once they’re infected, it’s usually just a matter of time before the whole family comes down with the same illness.

Good hand washing is the first line of defense against the spread of many illnesses — from the common cold to more serious infections, such as meningitis, bronchiolitis, the flu, hepatitis A, and most types of infectious diarrhea.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Kids Health

Protecting children is everyone’s business

12/09/2015 By DO 2 Comments

While browsing the web, you come across an image of a child which causes you distress. You believe the child has been sexually abused.

So, how can you report this to police?

You can report online child sexual abuse at www.thinkuknow.org.au by clicking the Report Abuse button. Reports of this nature go directly to our Child Protection Operations team for assessment.

In any situation where a person or child is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000).

Protecting children is everyone’s business. This White Balloon Day, think about how you can help to make Australia the safest place in the world for our kids.

Filed Under: Children, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Clip N Climb Melbourne

10/09/2015 By DO 1 Comment

Nothing better than finding a good idea just became great! Well that is exactly what has happened to Indoor Rock Climbing. Move over because Clip N Climb has arrived and its great fun 🙂

I went along with my daughter on a Saturday morning and we were happily surprised to find an indoor venue that was colourful, adverturous, well organised, fun, unusual climbing walls, friendly, and with happy staff members. Initially i thought “is this a place for under 10 year olds”? there was a kids party going on in one of there party rooms and it was hard to hear anything over the screaming and singing but it was all good fun.

They have a briefing area outside of the main climb area, this is where they take everyone who will be climbing through a safety briefing, It was conducted well and simple to understand for both children and adults.

I asked the staff members is it always this young? They said Saturday morning is but they tend to get older children (12+) and adults in the afternoons and also adults after work. They even cater for adult corporate team building events, school sports excursions and parties.

There is a cafe, the coffee was ok, they have snacks, drinks and ice-creams.

The main difference with Clip N Climb is that you do not need someone standing at the bottom of the wall belaying you. You are connected the same way with a karabiners but your rope is through a retractable mechanism on the roof. It first there is the “trust” factor but it all works perfectly.

My daughter summed it up perfectly:

I loved it because my Dad gets to climb with me and we had lots of fun together, we even had a race on the double timer wall…I won! haha

Safety is a priority and everyone gets checked, even Dads 🙂 There are so many different styles of climbs that make you want to climb every one. They have “The Leap of Faith” OMG that’s an experience.

Check out there website for more details Clip N Climb a highly recommended activity to do with your kids.

Clip N Climb

44 Murphy Street, Richmond, Melbourne
03 9421 6600
funup@clipnclimbmelbourne.com.au

Open hours

TUE – THU 10am – 7pm
FRI 10am – 8pm
SAT 9am – 8pm
SUN 9am – 7pm
School holidays
MON – THURS 9am – 9pm
FRI – SUN 9am – 10pm

Filed Under: Activities, Kids Activities, Melbourne

Quality and Characteristics of being a good Dad – Word Cloud

30/08/2015 By DO Leave a Comment

Recently we asked our Online friends, What quality or characteristic do you need to be a good dad? We collated all the responses and produced this word cloud…

Filed Under: Dads Health, Daughters, Sons

Father’s Day is coming but what if your kids aren’t there?

13/08/2015 By DO 1 Comment

Father’s day is approaching and it can be a difficult time for both Dads and their children. Some children may be too young or don’t acknowledge or remember to celebrate Fathers Day. Planning for both Mothers Day and Fathers Day should be included in any parenting plan right from the start. These celebratory days come around once a year and it is up to both parents to cover off the event and ensure the kids remember and care. If Dads don’t place any importance on Mother’s day then they can’t expect the children’s Mother to make Father’s day a priority either.

But when it works it’s great! Ideally it is great to have the kids the night before so you can wake up in the morning and start the day off well. If done correctly, their mother has arranged a gift for you (from them) so they feel they are giving and are involved in the celebration. Now this is best case scenario however we know that it does not happen for everyone.

Don’t forget that if for one reason or another you don’t have your kids on father’s day then “You CAN have your cake AND eat it too”

I have listed some coping strategies if Fathers Day is sad for you 🙁

Reduce your expectations

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey encourages us to seek first to understand, and then seek to be understood. Take the pressure off and reduce your expectations of the day.

Accept that we all make mistakes

You are not perfect nor are children. We say the wrong things, they do the wrong things. But, to have a better relationship with our kids, we need to accept that they’re just kids. They have weaknesses, flaws…they’re not super people, and they’re certainly not perfect! Kids also need to accept the fact that dads are normal people too and are not perfect either.

Remember you are amazing!

You are amazing and believe it! Many conflicts arise when people try to change you into who they think you should be how you should act and what you should say. Instead of focusing on what you should do differently they should accept you for who you are. Accept your lifestyle choices, your personality quirks, and your past choices. Not just on Father’s day but every day of the year.

A message for your kids if they are being difficult

Your dad can’t always be who you want him to be. To have a better relationship with him – and to make Father’s Day less difficult – stop wishing he was different. Instead of holding on to unrealistic expectations, set new expectations that are based on reality. Fathers are who they are, and for your own sakes you shouldn’t expect more than they can give. Do you like who you are? If so, don’t blame your dad for his choices – you may need to thank him! Maybe his actions made you stronger, more resilient, and more successful. If you don’t like who you are, then you can find ways to work on a better version of yourself and learn to love and accept who he is.

Learn how to deal with “difficult people”

Find ways to roll with people’s personalities. There are many books and resources on how to deflect conflicts and unhappy situations. Read about boundaries, Google reference material, take workshops or classes about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking to a counsellor about the best coping strategies. Maybe you’ll never have a great relationship with your kids – but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.

16 Things to do on father’s day without the kids

Find a good bar with large TV’s and enjoy the day watching sport and a few beers.
See a movie or 2, if possible do Gold Class and spoil yourself
Have a 2 hour massage
Go out for lunch or coffee with a friend
Organise a BBQ and cook your favorite meal
Go to a sports game
Check out the latest movies on Foxtel or TBox or Netflix
Grab a rod and go fishing
Read a book and don’t get out of bed until noon
Go for a long country motorcycle ride or drive
Spend some time in the gym
Head out on your pushbike and ride some paths
Spend a few undisturbed hours at Bunnings planning your next DYI project
Take your camera and do a photo walk through your city
Find a good bush walking track and walk for a couple of hours
Just go and just DO

Filed Under: Celebrations, Dads Health, Separation

How to help a hangover

06/08/2015 By DO 2 Comments

We have all been there, had a big night and will pay for it the next day! There are a few tips that we can share to help you feel better the next day. These tips have been tested and voted the best defense against a hangover…

Before heading out, take an Asprin which will prevent the blood from coagulating which is a cause of headache.
Drink glasses of water during the night and before going to bed, this will counteract the effects of dehydration which is another cause of hangover – Sports drinks with no caffeine also help replace the electrolytes that the alcohol has flushed away.
Sleep in because times helps heal hangover and you might as well be asleep while your bod is healing.
Have something to eat, you might not feel very hungry but a small snack on a banana or apple or a general vitamin pill will help bring back your potassium and magnesium levels back up.
Have some coffee or tea to help esrict the capillaries in your head to reduce headache.
Wrap some ice cubes in a cloth and place them over your eyes for fifteen minutes, this will reduce the puffiness.
Go for a walk and allow your body to pump out the alcohol and toxins.
Call every person you may have offended and apologise, it wont make you feel physically better but you might mend some important bridges.

If your hangover is as extreme as these boys I don’t think there is anything that can help you 🙂 See below video of them waking up after a huge night out in Bangkok.

How to NOT get drunk at formal functions in the first place?

Many politicians have a knack of attending many functions & events, mingling with party guests and never getting drunk? how do they do it? There are a couple of tricks up there sleeve…

Choosing an alternative drink such as a soda water, dash of bitter and a twist of lemon can look like a mix drink.
Having an intense drink such as bourbon on the rocks can last half the night forcing you to sip it whilst everyone else guzzles.

Lets learn from the professionals, enjoy your night 🙂

Filed Under: Dads Health

How to solve family disputes

02/08/2015 By DO Leave a Comment

Everyday we are trying to balance work, home, blended families and health. Our family issues are often left unattended, they can simmer for years and spiral out of control and be that ugly elephant in the room. Working out family problems are not as hard as some would think? There are some intentional efforts you can apply to get the back on track, here are some ideas you could follow…

Try to understand that family issues are normal and apart of normal life so don’t feel you need to hang on to the issue as tomorrow it can subside.
If it continues to be an issue, get someone to mediate and who can stay impartial
Try hard to understand their point of view and only then see you you can be understood.
Remember that time can heal and the reason of the argument can be often forgotten. Be patient and be ready to accept honest love and a willingness to change.
Remember everyone deserves to be heard and each persons point of view is important. Don’t buy into the thought that everything would be better if only….
Truth is paramount, only communicate using the “whole truth and nothing but the truth” philosophy.

If you have an on going problem with a family member, maybe its time to take a lead role in trying to resolve it and find a solution that will satisfy both parties.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Parenting

A Date with Dad

12/07/2015 By DO Leave a Comment

A date with dad The power of a “Date with Dad” is all about “being there” and spending time talking with your kids, it is so profoundly meaningful that we often miss it. Kids thrive when their dads take the time to be 100% present and are available to them. A regular, “Date with Dad” with each of your kids separately is a great place to begin intentionally investing in the overall health and well-being of your child. Date nights, days or even mornings do not have to be complicated. They can be a simply getting an ice-cream and going for a walk or sit in the park and chat.

Remember to Listen, be affectionate and never embarrass them.

If your looking for ideas on something new to do? Below I have listed a few ideas.

Choose a nice recipe and pick up the ingredients at the supermarket and then return home and cook it up together.
Have a movie night. Rent, buy or download a movie that you’ll both enjoy, make popcorn, and get relax on the couch.
Go for a bike ride or long walk together.
Get coffee/milkshake or hot chocolate at your favorite cafe – just spend time talking to one another.
Go swimming at your local pool together then sit afterward and have a relaxing chat.
Go to a theme park walk around and get on a couple of rides together.
Head to the zoo or museum. Stroll through the exhibits and discuss what you see and learn.
Attend a concert and sing out loud – even if you’re more Beethoven than Bon Jovi, is a great stress reliever.
Take a sculpting or drawing class together. Your local council normally have short course. Your art will give your son or daughter a new window into your personality.
Visit a golf driving range, bowling, pool hall, for some old-fashioned fun and friendly competition.
Go to the footy together, even if you don’t stay for the whole game, have a game can be fun.
Fill up a picnic basket and head to the botanical gardens for a relaxing lazy lunch. Don’t forget your picnic blanket.
Act like tourists in your own neighbourhood. Go to your major city and take photos, and pretend you’re seeing this place again for the first time.
Draw sketches of one another. Even if you can’t draw, you’ll have fun and create a lovely memory. Sign and date them.
Visit your nearby paint ball or laser tag facility.
Glide around at your nearest ice skating rink.
Investigate your local planetarium open hours and tour dates and book in for star gazing.
Go indoor rock climbing, this sort of activity is fun but also helps fathers and children to build trust.
Volunteer for a worthy cause together. Visit the ill, organize a fundraiser for a non-profit, or work at a shelter. You’ll spend time with each other, but you’ll also make a difference and help others. You can see what volunteer opportunities there are in your city by clicking here.
Have a tournament of your choice – Battleship, Monopoly, cards, Playstation, etc.
Maybe go for breakfast to a funky new cafe instead of lunch or dinner?
Go to the movies and have a milkshake or similar before or afterwards.
Take a hot air balloon ride.
Watch the sun rise or set from a great location.
Get your child to choose a restaurant, give them a price guide i.e. $ cheap. $$ medium, $$$+ expensive, suggest some locations, they can use Urbanspoon to do the research before hand and let you know where you will be having your Date Date.
Hire a fishing charter, they usually go rain hail or shine, they will also clean and fillet the fish, just take an esky to bring your catch home and have a cook-up on fish and chips.
Accomplish a fun home project together i.e. Paint their bedroom. You’ll work as a team and feel a whole new kind of satisfaction when you’re done.
Have high tea complete with scones and cucumber sandwiches at a ritzy hotel
Get an hour foot massage together at one of the Thai massage centers around town.
Write or get printed a few vouchers and have on them – “Date with Dad” voucher, valid for ever and include on each one an idea, outing or activity of what you both could do. They can then cash them in each time you plan a date.

Any other ideas you might have we would love to hear and share them with others.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting, Sons

Remember to put the glass down

01/07/2015 By DO 1 Comment

A psychologist lecturer was teaching how to manage stress and anxiety to his university students. As he raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty half full” question. Instead, with a smile on his face, he inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water”?

The answers ranged between 5 0z to 22oz.

He replied, The absolute weight does not matter. It depends on how long i hold onto it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem, If I hold onto it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold onto it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.

He continued,

The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water.

Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them for a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them for all day long, you will feel paralyzed – possibly incapable of doing anything.”

Remember to put the glass down.

(Courtesy of Jimmy Harmon)

Filed Under: Dads Health

How to help a friend if they’re not ok

26/06/2015 By DO 2 Comments

I wonder how many of us would know what to do if their friend says “they are NOT ok”. It’s not that often we would come across such a revealing statement. But if you did, would you know what to say? possibly…”Oh” whats the matter, “you’ll be right”, “she’ll be right” or maybe not even know what to say and possibly avoid the discussion. It could be likely that if you have a friend going through divorce or separation, you may hear those words.

When someone says they are NOT ok, It’s so supporting as a friend to ensure that they know we care and offer assistance or discussion to help them. A great organization called eheadspace deal with just these issues and offer guidance and coaching as to how to handle that situation if it ever arises.

Here are some tips on how to handle it:

Listen and try not to judge or “fix” things straight away.
Taking the time to listen shows them that you care and their feelings are important. If someone has been going through a tough time, it can be a big relief to talk about what has been going on.
Listening can be helpful even without taking any actions, it might be just what they need? Don’t panic, the fact that your friend feels something is really an important first step.
Let your friend know they do not have to go through this on their own.
And that you are their to help and support them.
Some people need time or space before they are willing to accept help.
Just giving them information about where to get help or providing them with fact sheets can be useful.
Suggest they read stories at eheadspace.org.au about other people who have made it through tough times.
If may help their feelings of being alone and give them hope for the future.
Be honest about why you are worried.
Ask if anyone else knows about how they are feeling
Encourage them to try some self-help strategies
Things like, eating well, exercising, writing their feelings down, getting enough sleep, doing things they enjoy and avoiding alcohol and other drugs are just a few self-help tips your friend could try. Visit (eheadspace.org.au and download the tips for a healthy eheadspace fact sheet)
Don’t be to forceful in encouraging self-help activities.
It’s important to understand your friend may not feel able use them because how they are feeling, or they may not be enough to help them feel better. If they’re interested you may be able to some of the strategies with them e.g. go for a walk, watch a favorite movie together.
If they are young – Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult.
About what is going on and how they are feeling (Family member, Coach or school teacher).
Sometimes self-help strategies &/ or talking to family and friends is not enough and thats ok.
There are a lot of professionals out their that can help. Suggest they make an appointment with their GP or their nearest headspace center if things dont begin to improve. You could offer to go with them if they need extra support.
Let them know about eheadspace
If your friend would prefer to seek help online rather than face-to-face. eheadspace.org.au provides free online support and telephone support (1800 650 890) for young people, Lifeline (13 11 14) and Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) also provide free and confidential support over the phone.

By applying these strategies if an occasion ever arising, you will be better equipped to provide good support and care to your friend or acquaintance.

Filed Under: Dads Health