Click to find out more

Why it is important to know your children’s friends

Why It Is Important To Know Your Children’s Friends One of the best possible ways to influence healthy friendships for your child is to be aware of and involved in them. There is a fine line between being involved and being nosy, you need to make sure not to overstep those boundaries and make your child feel as if their privacy is being disturbed. One of the best good parenting tips is to maintain a positive presence and protective shadow in your child’s life and in their relationships. You should aim to keep an eye on these relations to ensure that these friendships, which are so fragile at a young age stay positive and healthy.

Not only this but by maintaining a positive role model image in front of them by only allowing healthy and positive friendships for yourself also, introduce your child to your friends and show them the importance of you both being involved (to a certain extent) in each other’s relations and being aware of who is who.

One of the easiest ways to do this is to open your home to your child’s friends. Let them feel comfortable in coming over and hanging out with your adult supervision in the background, this way you know what they are up to and it is an excellent way to get to know these new friends. When they are relaxed and in the mood to talk, you can get to know more about them.

However be sure to note your child’s reaction when you are talking to their friends, some children may feel comfortable and happy that you are taking an interest in their lives and friendships however some kids may not be too happy if you are being over friendly and taking the attention away from them. Stay friendly but don’t overdo it and intrude on their time together too much that your child’s guests or your child themself feels uncomfortable. It is important to note that when you take an interest in your child’s friendships, you are portraying a healthy message to your child that their friendships are important to you also.

It is important that you learn the names of your child’s friends, this way you will be able to keep up with all the stories your child has to share with you about their adventures. Not only this, but once you get to know their names and a little more about them, you can list their contact details and their parents contact information in your family address book.

Whenever possible, at school gates or when dropping kids off at each other’s houses, try to get to know the parents of your child’s friends also. By working with their parents you can ensure that your children’s friendships remain positive for all and you will most likely find that you both share the same concerns and values. This is a great way for you to also meet new people and increase your social life!

By getting to know other parents, this is an excellent route to face and possibly fix any issues your child may be having at school. Such as difficulties with a particular subject, if you find both your kids are having a difficult time you could arrange for them to be tutored together of if there are more serious issues then you can both speak to a teacher to express your concerns.

If your child’s school is hosting an event, try taking the time out to attend or stay a little longer when you go to drop your child off. Ask them to introduce you to their friends and ask questions; get to know them better so you can get a better impression of who they are.

Although some children who feel they are growing up may want to spend more time with their friends and less with family, you can change their mind by inviting their friends along too on your family getaways. You can get to know their friends and your child will be more than happy to spend time with you also.

However if you have younger children who are more fond of going to the park or having sleepovers, allow them do so or arrange fun events and get-togethers for them where you can supervise. You’ll find you’ll be having just as much fun as they are once you help arrange games and movies for them.

When it comes to birthday parties you can arrange fun surprise parties for them by inviting all their class members, this is a great way to help your child’s confidence also and help them make more new friends.

If you ever see your child’s friends out and about, try to go out of your way to give them a quick greeting. Many teenagers will actually appreciate seeing a familiar friendly face, especially if they are working somewhere.

Your child is safer if you know where they are, who they are with and if you befriend the parents of your child’s friends too, they can also keep an eye out and make sure your child is not overstepping any boundaries you have set for them. Some teens can be prone to making mistakes such as participating in drugs or taking up the company of unsuitable company, so by keeping an eye on this aspect of your child’s life you can help them make the right decisions and guide them in the right direction. Not just your own child, but of any other younger children that you befriend, who perhaps feel less comfortable talking to their own parents openly about any pressing issues.

Can my ex claim anything to do with my future new property

Often we get asked interesting questions, so we nicely ask our professional friends of Dads Online to help provide answers to them. Remember this is not official legal advise as everyone’s situation is different, it is only an experts opinion. All names and identifying remarks have been omitted.

can my ex claim anything to do with my future new propertyQuestion: I have been separated from my wife for a few years and have a teenage daughter from that marriage. I have a new partner since then and a young child with her. I have recently started the divorce papers but have found it difficult to finish because of the cost, which seems to be set at $800.  I’m not sure how I can afford this, I will try and loan this and pay the full amount. There was a property settlement in 2011 and I received a small payout.

The marriage breakdown was sited as due to irretrievable differences. My ex bought a house a year after settlement and lives there with my teenage daughter. Ever since the separation Ive been renting with my new partner and young daughter, I have always made a warm bedroom to include my teenage daughter when she comes to stay with us.

Since gaining Full Time employment I have just recently entered into purchasing a new house, placing it under contract pending finance. My question is, which people seem to be alerting me to: can my ex claim anything to do with my new property given I have not yet completed the divorce papers.

Answer: If the person putting through the divorce has a health care card they should enquire as the application may be at a lower rate. The divorce papers are different to a final property settlement. A divorce relates to the dissolution of the marriage and not the division of assets. If there is an order made by the Courts for the division of property, it is likely that it will exclude each party from making a claim to the other party’s future property.

How important is spending time together?

what was the cause of your relationship breakdownExtremely!…After receiving 85 votes in our recent poll, the results are in. The top reasons why relationships have broken down are:

  1. Lack of time spent together
  2. Infidelity
  3. Money

Lets focus on “Lack of time spent together” in this post, the rest we will cover in a follow up later.

It appears that many partners have not provided enough time for each other, this in the end will cause withdrawal and a disconnect. Without time spent “together” how can one develop love and feel loved. Knowing this in advance hopefully changes the course for some people who may have had a tendency to work more and go out with their friends more rather than spend time with their partner?

It is obviously a recipe for disaster so the easy answer is – Don’t be the cause for your partners emotional discomfort or unhappiness, work at dedicating time together and you will reap the rewards.

  • Invest time in your friendship with your partner
  • Schedule time i.e. date night, date weekends
  • Share household duties i.e. cleaning, put kids to bed
  • Cook a meal for your partner regularly
  • Go to bed together early
  • Operate as a team
  • If you are off track, get help early.
  • Don’t leave it until it is broken.

Its very important to spend time alone together. Meeting each others emotional and physical needs is more important than meeting your children’s. Your children will not even realise (let alone remember) you have put them to bed early so that you can spent time with your partner. They wont even miss you if you get a competent baby sitter (all that carry on when you are leaving is emotional blackmail) Just Goooo.

You have to keep that spark alive to a certain degree.  Do you remember when you first met? How you put things aside to be with each other. What if you brought along your children to every date…how boring! How long would that last. Make each other a priority and the rest will take care of its self.

Stay tuned for our discussion on Infidelity…coming soon.

Poll – What do you believe was the main cause of your relationship breakdown

What do you believe was the main cause of your relationship breakdownWhat causes a decline in a relationship can be different for everyone and also very similar for many. Relationships can be fragile at the best of times and why your relationship gets into trouble, only you know.

This is a confidential POLL, it requires you to only select a “main” reason and then you can view the collective results of all participants. You maybe surprised at the results. Select yours…

Become great at parenting

I remember when I first separated, I didn’t have all the parenting skills needed to be a great parent.  I felt I needed to put some time and focus into learning a few things.  I also had the issues of a busy career which became in someways second place to my new role as a parent.

If I wanted to become great at parenting, something has to give.

I definitely valued and appreciated my career and what it provided.  Don’t get me wrong I kept doing a good job at work but shifted my drive from climbing the corporate ladder to climbing the parenting ladder.  There were some nights that I was free so I stayed back at work to keep on top of things, but I needed to get out of work at 5pm a couple of nights a week and start at 9am instead of 8-8.30am.  I was able to do this by having an understanding company and boss.   I also needed to slow down my social activities, and be more on my game as I found parenting full time requires a lot of effort.

All of my available time was dedicated to keeping a good home, making the kids top of mind and providing a healthy and stable home.  This included making sure that they have their own rooms set up as they like it so it felt like a real second home.  I made sure that there was always good food in the fridge/pantry when they stayed.  I had activities planned and we went on outings with family and friends and just ourselves, there was routine and they were involved with their grandparents and extended family when possible.

We continued with homework just like “normal”, I got involved in school activities, just like normal,went to parent teacher meetings and got involved in their hobbies and sports, just like normal, i think this is the key.

We often did the shopping together and if I needed to go and pay some bills, they came too.  It was all about making their life with me as normal as possible.  Things became easier and parenting took less time.  It became second nature, it allowed me to spend a little bit more time on the things I wanted to do with my life.  I had achieved a happy functional home life for the kids and things started sailing along.

After some time (maybe a year or so when things settled and became consistent again for the kids) I could step back into work a little more but still keep the kids top of mind.  My decision to focus on becoming great at parenting has absolutely been the best decision I have ever made.

 

How to stop spending more than you earn

How to stop spending more than you earnSpending more than you earn is the quickest way to get into financial stress, Lets say for example your take home pay is $4,000 a month but you actually spend $4,800. You ask how? Credit card debt, that’s how! Spending more than you earn is common & so easily done that you may not even realize your doing it until your credit card repayments start getting more than you can afford, and then you find yourself in financial trouble.

It can be very stressful at the end of the month when you try to divvy up your pay. You will have to put off what you can, go without, get an extension, part pay, run the petrol tank lean, go without lunch, eat the cupboard bear and often end up borrowing money to get you through to next pay packet.

The people that have been through this and survived know how important it is to “live within your means”. It usually only takes one bad experience of financial stress to never want to experience it again. It’s horrid, your whole world comes to a halt economically and you’re forced to have embarrassing conversations with telephone operators of utility companies, banks and landlords.

Some great financial tips to stop this happening are:

  • Know how much you take home a month. Regardless of whether you’re paid weekly, fortnightly or monthly you can need to know what you take home in real dollars $. If your income is variable, look back over the last 6 months and calculate an average monthly take home pay.
  • Know what your total monthly expenses are and know your debt. If you need a budget planner, here is one that I used and found it to be comprehensive, Click here for budget planner
  • Know what you bottom line is. Subtract all your monthly financial commitments from your monthly take home pay and that is your bottom line. If you have money left over at the end of the month then you are “living within your means”. If you have no Gap then you must evaluate where you can make adjustments and reduce spending in non critical areas. Often you can workout needs versus wants.
  • Know what your wants and needs are. It takes discipline and strength of character to put on hold your “wants”. For a while whilst you get under financial control, just go with what you need.

Getting back to a positive gap takes time but it is achievable, you get good at budgeting, good at saying “no” and believe it or not you do feel a sense of accomplishment. Its tough being frugal, no one likes it but if your in a position that you cant afford you will need to go through a little pain to get to pleasure by having your finances under control.

Rules for kicking ass in 2016

To have a great 2016 or any year for that matter, there needs to be some operating instructions. Below is some of the best rules (instructions) I have seen and if you live by them. Call me crazy but you WILL SUCCEED 🙂

  1. See failure as a beginning, not an end and don’t stop

  2. If you don’t go after it, you wont have it

  3. Always do more than is expected of you

  4. Teach others what you know and be appreciative of people who share knowledge with you

  5. Assume nothing and question everything, the most successful people are inquisitive

  6. Make peace with the past or you’ll pay for it

  7. Stop thinking so much and start acting

  8. Never compare yourself to others

Rules for kicking ass in 2016

Never compare yourself to others, you have amazing qualities too.

Merry Christmas Dads and look after yourself

Merry Christmas Dads1 week away from Christmas celebrations and it is a happy time for some dads and awkward and lonely for others.

We don’t need to explain happy, the happy we know and it will come again, it’s the thoughts of what we are missing out on today that can get us down. We can’t escape it, everywhere we turn we see media depicting happy families enjoying Christmas dinner or going on holidays. Your co-workers talk about what they’re buying the kids and where they’re taking them for the holidays.

There are some dads that still don’t know if they will see their kids on Christmas day or even over the Christmas / New Year period?

If this is you…

It’s important to manage your expectations and acknowledge and accept that it may not be how you dreamed it to be.

If you find yourself on your own for Christmas, remember it is temporary and does not mean that all Christmas’s will be like this. Things happen, things get better and then you’re back enjoying life again.

Its a time to treat yourself well and make yourself number one, plan in advance some things you like to do and do them. Get out and about, even if it is a long walk each day.

Lifeline Australia CEO Pete Shmigel highlights the importance of looking after ourselves during the festive season and offers some practical advise for people that might be doing it tough.

 

  • Tell someone. A trusted friend or family members, your GP, counsellor, or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
  • Look after yourself physically. If you look after your body, your mind will feel better too.
  • Get out and about. Regular outings for social functions, exercise, reconnecting with friends and family and being outdoors can often help.
  • Volunteer. Helping others is a great way to help yourself and feel more connected.
  • Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Staying in touch with loved ones can help to prevent loneliness. If they don’t live nearby, technology can help you stay in touch over long distances.
  • Be kind to yourself. It is not unusual to feel stressed at this time of year, many people do. If you are feeling down or experiencing loneliness this Christmas, seek help to feel better.
  • Contact Lifeline. Our 13 11 14 crisis line or nightly online Crisis Support Chat services are available over the festive season if you are feeling lonely or isolated.

Our best wishes to you in 2016

Happy alone

happy-aloneHave you ever taken time out to be on your own after a breakup? Or when a relationship ended you jumped straight into another only to find you’re feeling dissatisfied after a while? Don’t worry we have all done it including myself and it left me wondering why? Well there is probably a good reason for it. It could be you haven’t worked out exactly what you like, want or need in your life? It’s also difficult to make someone else happy if your not happy yourself. If you have been through a tough break up and you haven’t met Mrs right, intentionally take the time out to learn more about YOU.

I came across the following quote which rang bells for me…

Be alone, eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.

Have you had the opportunity to spend time alone and get to know the most important person…YOU

 

Parents forcefully blocked from seeing kids could be abuse

Parents forcefully blocked from seeing kids could be abuseSTOPPING parents from seeing their children could fall under the definition of child abuse if George Christensen gets his way.

The Federal Member for Dawson said he would lobby with Victorian independent Senator John Madigan to have the definition of child abuse widened to include parental alienation.

Mr Christensen said the current system for family law and child support was broken.

“My view is parental alienation is a form of child abuse,” he said.

“If one parent is cutting off the meaningful relationship with the other parent, unless they are violent, etc, then that is abuse.”

He said hundreds of constituents had come to him after the other parent had decided they were going to breach court orders and deny access to the child.

“Literally the only redress they have is to take the matter to court, which considering the fact many are also paying child support, is so costly it’s…

Read the full story here in the Daily Mercury

Why are you being so rude to me…I dont know?

Why are you being so rude to me...I dont know I’m learning very quickly about moody teenagers and trying to be tolerant, but I want to jump in a time machine and go forward 10 years because this is hell!
It seems like I cannot do or say anything that is right and any advise or solutions given feels like a lecture to them.

I understand that there are lots of hormones going on, our school had a night for year 7 parents and covered off areas around dealing with this change.

How to cope with teenage children:

  • Don’t buy into schoolyard arguments, the kids will work it out
  • Be a listener and be there but don’t try and solve their problems
  • Be encouraging and be there but let them work things out in there own time

Adults brains apparently have a hormone called THP which has a calming influence, In our teenagers this same THP heightens anxiety – of course it does 🙂 . I keep reminding myself they are going through many new experiences and having to cope with new challenges like: hormonal change, body changes, developing identity, pressure from friends, and a developing sense of independence.

I am sure they don’t like the moods either. I asked her once..

Why are you being so rude to me? She replied “I dont know”?  

So I just left it and I understood she wasn’t meaning to be rude and she didn’t like it either. I could tell she knew it was wrong.

These reminders are my savior, Thank God there are times where she is calm, happy, respectful and loving otherwise I would go completely out of my mind! So I am just trying to roll with it, provide support and stability. Still setting ground rules for respect as I expect her to be respectful to all people. I pick my battles, remain calm and try to redirect the negative behaviour.

A couple of tips in this areas could be:

  • Pick your battles. If your teenager is basically behaving, ignore minor annoyances such as shrugs, raised eyebrows, or bored looks.
  • Sometimes, teens may be inadvertently disrespectful. (Again, their brains are developing.) Calmly ask about their intention — for example, “That comment came out sounding pretty offensive. Did you mean to behave rudely?

I know its a stage that lots of kids go through, she is a beautiful girl and has a kind warm heart. If she is rude and I do discuss it, I make sure I talk about the behaviour not the person. I’m always  trying to affirm her worth as a person even as I explain why her behavior was unacceptable.

Through the next few years (OMG), I’ll always be involved and interested in her everyday life and be interested in her sport and activities. Even during the times when she is unlovable, I will still give hugs, words of praise, little note in her lunch box with words of love often, because they need it and want unconditional love to help them get through it.

I came across this YouTube video and it reminds me that sometimes they DON’T KNOW why they are being rude and we shouldn’t get upset or take it personally.

Will your teen choose to take drugs or alcohol?

Will Your Teen Choose to Take Drugs or AlcoholAt some point during their teenage years, almost all young adults will be given the opportunity to try drugs or alcohol. Some teens will resist the opportunity that is presented to them, whilst others will be unable to give in to temptation: The problem is though, that for children with addictive tendencies, what was intended to be a one off thing could well lead to a lifelong addiction problem. The best course of action, then, is to encourage your teen to always say no: but what makes one teen more likely to be able to resist temptation than others?

Some teens are simply better equipped to stand up to their peers and say no; often those teens with the ability to do this have other healthy coping skills when they are facing times of adversity, such as exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, and attending positive sports and social groups such as their school band or other organised groups and societies.

Unfortunately, the drug and alcohol industry is full of successful marketeers who make the idea of taking drugs or drinking alcohol seem glamorous and ‘cool’: many teens are susceptible to these kinds of messages. Drug and alcohol use are still widely shown in movies, in music videos and on TV, which can sadly normalise their use amongst teens, leading teens to make adverse choices.

Exploration is an important part of being an adolescent, but uncontrolled exploration of drugs and alcohol can be very dangerous and potentially life destroying: this is something it is important for parents to attempt to control.

To find out more about the reasons why teens may choose to turn to alcohol and drugs, you can read a full version of this article here.

Thank you to Mel Gale for her guide.