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If you could write a note to your younger self what would you say?

note to younger selfWow , Imagine if we were sat down in the lounge by our dad and he said…

Son, There are a few things that you need to know in life to succeed and I want you to remember them.

Firstly we would have to listen to the content without being a smug know-it-all teenager. Given that, I reckon I would still be married today, be financially set up for retirement, had lasting relationships with friend networks and generally enjoyed life more.

But unfortunately that never happened, not being smug, I was never sat down and given some “facts about living life”.

So for me, its about reflection and what have I learnt?

My note to self would look something like this…

  1. Focus and work hard at school, time flys so fast before you know it your out and into the real world
  2. Study a trade, probably a commercial electrician or a pastry chef…go figure?
  3. Catch up with your school friends often and keep them for life
  4. Go out with lots of girls, get to know what makes you happy and choose a life partner wisely
  5. Know that when you have children your life as you knew it changes for ever and so does your relationship with your partner. Choosing the right partner for the right reasons will become evident in the first 10 years of children
  6. Its doesn’t matter what your neighbours have, be happy with what you have
  7. Try not to be to serious, laugh easily
  8. Look after people who care for you without wanting anything in return
  9. Put in a solid days work and also as much effort in your private life, make sure you have fun at both
  10. Save money for retirement as soon as you start earning a wage, because again, time flys
  11. Don’t sell your real-estate assets, buy more and accumulate them
  12. Learn to cook and then cook for friends
  13. Treat your body well, relax and exercise often
  14. Travel with friends and on your own
  15. Help people less fortunate than yourself
  16. Remember there will be challenges, stay strong and hopeful.

I will be sure to sit with my child and have this conversation, maybe while we are in a cooking class or helping out the people less fortunate than us. I will let you know how that goes.

Listen to this post at Dads Online PODCAST

 

Dads don’t stop PDOA

Dads dont stop PDOAA fathers open and public display of affection should not be hidden away or confined to the inside of their house. You would have all heard about a women that left her common sense at home the other day and took a photo of a man taking a selfie and posted it on her Facebook page labeling him a sex predator! WT?

What ever happened to walking up to him and asking…

Can I ask what are you taking photos off and even asking to have a look?

before jumping to conclusions because of your own stupid insecurities. There is a better way to approach a situation first.

Strangers are everywhere, they are both women and men. We walk past them everyday, its the ones that hang around and look suspicious that draws our attention, normally there is “something” strange about their behaviour or their look. If your going to be hyper sensitive about men then make sure you have your facts right and don’t jump to conclusions in a split second.

I ask myself why is this happening? I’m hoping it is an isolated situation but I think it’s terrible cases like William Tyrell that challenge our peace of mind and feeling of security for our children.

I have a young daughter who I will be taking to the footy this weekend, I will be catching public transport, walking with my arm on her shoulder, possibly even holding hands and I’m guaranteed of having Public Displays Of Affection.

Lets not stop being affectionate to our children in public, if anyone has an issue its their problem not ours and if you have any concerns please don’t hesitate to ask me before you unjustly smash my reputation across social media.

Photographer Russell James’s long battle to help his mentally ill and drug-addicted daughter

Our best wishes go out to Russell and his daughter. Read there story here:
Photographer Russell James’s long battle to help his mentally ill and drug-addicted daughterTHE images of his daughter are as vivid in his mind as any photograph he has ever taken. At age 14 she is on her bed covered in blood.

The room, the one she wouldn’t let him into for weeks, is a mess. Dirty clothes line the floor and among the debris are empty bottles of alcohol and drugs. Hard drugs. He asks her where the blood has come from.

“I’ve been hitting myself with a stick,” she says, big black rings under her eyes. “Why?” he asks. “Because it makes me feel better,” she says.

As a young adult, she’s wandering the streets of Perth at 2am. She hasn’t been home for weeks.

Police, who find her naked and beaten like a “wild animal”, admit her to Royal Perth Hospital. They say she is too confused to make a statement. At least he can take her home, he thinks.In her early 20s, she is catatonic in a basement ward at one of WA’s biggest hospitals. He finds the “horrible” dumping ground is riddled with cockroaches. The doped-up patients range from the very young to the very old. One psychiatrist visits for about one hour every day. During this short visit, the patients clamour for attention. “It’s like watching a group of starving people desperate for a United Nations food drop,” he thinks.

Now, aged 23 and recovering in Sweden, his daughter is finally getting the help she needs.

“The help she couldn’t get in Perth,” he says.

The stigma associated with mental health issues has prevented us all from putting it front and centre. Shame on me, as I was one of those people.”

Russell James has never spoken in detail publicly about his daughter Emily’s nine-year battle with mental health issues.

It’s a fact of which the high-profile celebrity snapper, fine arts photographer and human-rights campaigner says he is “quite ashamed”.

But it’s indicative of the stigma still associated with topics such as suicide, self-harm and drug abuse.

This is despite one in five Australians suffering from a mental illness, with the prevalence being greatest among young people aged 18 to 24.

“Mental health is stuck in the dark ages,” James says. “One of the key reasons mental health hasn’t received the same level of attention, funding and research (compared with other medical issues) is that we haven’t listened to the experts calling out for it.

“And, far worse, the stigma associated with mental health issues has prevented us all from putting it front and centre. Shame on me, as I was one of those people.”

James has an international profile for his striking portraits of beauties such as Heidi Klum; his collaborative art project, called Nomad Two Worlds, with indigenous communities; and his books, which have forewords by the likes of Hollywood star Hugh Jackman and Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson.

But behind the glitter and glamour is James’s anguished personal journey with Emily, his first child, who showed signs of mental health problems from a “very young age”.

“She would go from being wildly happy to incredibly morbid,” he says. “She had great struggles keeping relationships and she was fearless to the point of having no apparent regard for her own safety.

“The feedback we always received was that she was just being a kid. Or, if she was unable to adapt at school, then it would be that she was just ‘naughty’.”

James laments that schools simply don’t have the “tools” to identify and properly deal with children suffering from mental health issues.

When Emily was 14, her problems “started to manifest in the most frightening of ways”.

“Her depression and anxiety became so great she would use any drugs put before her,” James says.

“If there was meth available she would use it. If there was heroin she would use it. I was aware she was using drugs, but not the extent until recently — and also how easily they were available.”russell james daughters Emily

James says the situation came to a head when he found her lying on her bed one day with “blood everywhere”.

“I asked her what happened and she said she had taken a stick and hit herself. She did it because it made her feel better,” he says.

“She had tears rolling out of her eyes. I could see she was in agony, but I had no idea what to do.”

Feeling like he was getting nowhere with the medical help his daughter was receiving in WA, James sent Emily to a “wilderness retreat” in the US.

“Wilderness therapy has given my daughter long periods of wellbeing and being at peace with herself,” he says.

“Dedicated professionals take people, ranging from 13 to 35 years of age, into a remote wilderness setting and, working in groups of four, they bring them back to the basics of life.”

James credits the therapy with saving Emily’s life. He says it was the reason she managed to get back into the education system. However, he says his daughter went into a “tailspin” when she came home and “immediately returned to drug and alcohol abuse”. One of those drugs was the extremely addictive stimulant methamphetamine, known on the street as “ice”.

“Meth is a scourge,” James says. “It does irreparable damage, it’s readily available and it’s cheap.”

Prime Minister Tony Abbott this week announced a new federal “ice taskforce” to tackle what he says is a narcotic “far more potent, far more dangerous, far more addictive than any previous illicit drug”.

She had tears rolling out of her eyes. I could see she was in agony, but I had no idea what to do.”

In many ways, James says his struggle with the WA mental health system is best told by comparing the medical journeys of his two daughters.

“In 2008 my youngest daughter (Lola) was taken to a paediatrician with an extended belly and a light fever in New York State,” says James, who splits his time between the US and Australia.

“The doctor immediately ordered her to be taken to a nearby major hospital and within a few hours she received an MRI scan. A specialist oncologist was brought in to review the MRI and informed us that our daughter had extensive tumours and likely a cancer they needed to identify.

“That same night she was taken to a hospital several hundred miles away … within three days we were informed that Lola had a cancer known as neuroblastoma, which is extremely rare and affects about 700 children per year worldwide.

“They literally dissected my daughter over a 12-hour period using human hands, robots, and life-support systems to remove tumours invading from her hips to her upper chest cavity, around her heart and other vital organs.

“During the next couple of years of recovery she was in the care of an oncologist, a gastroenterologist and a tumour review board that consisted of six experts.

“And, by the way, that is the identical care your child would receive in WA if they were diagnosed with neuroblastoma.”

For Emily, with psychological issues, the story could not be more different.

“Emily has been admitted to hospital and mental health facilities more times than I can recall,” he says. “Even after multiple near-death situations and major incidents there was virtually no continuity of care.

“If Emily was admitted to Royal Perth Hospital naked, beaten and in psychosis, the hospital would find no record of a previous admission to Fremantle Hospital for a suicide attempt.

“Then when Emily would be admitted to private care no records would be passed along from the public sector. Emily was assessed again and again from scratch.”

“A horrible, dark ward in the basement of the hospital,” he says. “Just one psychiatrist to visit the ward for one hour Russell james and daughter emilyevery day … many of the patients drooling in wheelchairs because of the level of medication they were given under a policy of, ‘Let’s keep everybody safe and calm’.”

James says it broke his heart seeing Emily there and he privately lobbied the Barnett Government to do something about its conditions.

Health Minister Kim Hames tells STM that the ward, which was opened in 1958, is due to be closed in early June. Dr Hames says that patients will be sent to a new $21 million,

30-bed facility at the site.

It’s not just public patients who face challenges. James says the private mental health system in WA is just as under-resourced — and only available to those who can afford it.

And, most frustratingly, he says the medical answer offered for Emily in WA has “almost always” been a “cocktail of pharmaceutical drugs that render her near catatonic”.

“The past nine years have been defined almost exclusively by my daughter’s mental health issues and by the continued misdiagnosis and lack of resources in Australia,” he says.

“My experience with my two daughters has served as a metaphor that has given me shocking perspective.

“For Lola, 190 days and a rare, highly complex disease is identified and a large group of professionals assembled to deal with it.

“She has since gone on to be a national gymnastics competitor and is a straight-A student.

“Meanwhile, Emily has languished for nine years slipping through the cracks of a system, or rather a non-system.”

Australian Medical Association state president Michael Gannon says the lack of continuity of care for mental health patients in WA can be frightening.

“In many ways, it’s a system in crisis,” he says.

“It’s not serving the patients well, it’s not serving the carers well and it’s certainly not serving the doctors who work in it well.”

Dr Gannon says doctors were worried the system was becoming too focused on “low-hanging fruit”, such as patients with low levels of anxiety or depression, rather than the sickest people.

“There needs to be better resourcing for people with severe levels of dysfunction, like schizophrenia or those suffering from ice addiction,” he says.

“We know that even in the private sector the resources available for child and adolescent psychiatry are poor. We also know that there is not enough ‘step down’ capacity for our sickest patients.”

I was willing to steal, borrow, beg — anything to save my daughter’s life. I owed my daughter a chance at living.”

Emily’s bleakest moment came when she suffered a cardiac arrest and contracted a staph infection.

“It is unclear whether she contracted the MRSI during her treatment at the hospital or from drug use,” James says. “I was willing to steal, borrow, beg — anything to save my daughter’s life. I owed my daughter a chance at living.”

James says mental health experts told him Emily would die if she was left in Australia.

After much research, about a year ago he found an “assisted living” program in Sweden for Emily.

“The program she is in is very small and heavily funded,” he says. “It was specifically created in addition to programs that are entirely for either mental health or addiction.

“So often mental health issues lead to addiction and once addiction has taken over it’s impossible to treat the root cause, mental health. So this is an ‘and’ approach.

“What they are doing, though, is really having a go at bringing research and development into this century and out of the dark ages.”

James says his daughter has now reached a point where she is willing to be “very open” about her struggles with depression, eating disorders and drug addiction.Russell James daughter Emily relaxes

Emily will soon move into her own apartment, where she will still receive about 15 hours of care a week through the Swedish program.

“I can’t tell you the guilt I feel because I was fortunate to find the money to get Emily treatment,” he says.

“We have also had a strong family advocating for her care.

“Most people aren’t so lucky. The end result for them is to likely perish in miserable conditions.”

James says by talking candidly he feels he is finally “taking personal responsibility” for putting mental health on the agenda.

He wants everyone reading his daughter’s story to speak up as well. If enough people share their stories, then maybe the stigma can be broken down.

“WA is a world leader in many health categories,” James says. “However, mental health is stuck in the dark ages.

“The stigma of mental health issues is literally killing millions of people around the world.”

He also wants to raise awareness of how crucial the crisis support service Lifeline WA is. He says its 13 11 14 helpline deserves more government funding and donations from philanthropists.

“My daughter has told me that somebody pushed the Lifeline number into her hand after she was being discharged from a hospital and a couple of months later she found herself homeless, on the streets, in unbearable pain and lost to us and suicide felt like a relief,” James says.

“She called the number and in her own words, ‘It saved my life’.”

James uses another parallel when discussing his motivations for speaking out.

There were about 1150 people killed on our roads last year. This compares with nearly 2500 suicide deaths on average every year.

“Suicide is one of our biggest killers — bigger than the road toll,” James says. “It deserves the level of inquiry, research and understanding we give to road deaths.

“As a community we need to put our heads and hearts together and just get on with it.”

If you need help, contact Lifeline WA on 13 11 14 or at crisischat.lifelinewa.org.au

Reposted with permission from Anthony.
Follow Anthony DeCeglie on Twitter: @AnthDeCeglie

 

Golden Door Muffins

The Golden Door Retreat on the Gold Coast, Queensland.

The Golden Door Retreat in Queensland.

I now know what indiscriminate exercise means 🙂
When I visited the Golden Door in the Brisbane hinterlands for a Dads 5 day health and wellbeing stay.

I was allocated cabin 16 which was wonderful but it was located close to the top of the highest hill, each day after lunch or dinner I would venture back up this hill which in itself was a work out. It was all part of the adventure. The meals were amazing, all vegetarian (I’m not) but I must admit they were good.

The whole idea of the 5 days was to eat healthily, workout and get back onto a healthy road. It worked, there was around 20 in the group, we were locked in behind gates, a nurse was on duty for the first 3 days incase anyone had bad widthdrawl? There was no smoking, drinking or treats of any kind. I am still not a Vege, but I do enjoy the occasional meal. One treat I did like and often cook are there Golden Door Muffins. The kids always ask for more…

 Recipe:

Ingredients (makes 12)
2 Apples peeled and finely chopped
3 ripe bananas, chopped
85g (1/2 cup) pitted dates, chopped
55g (1/2 cup) sultanas
125ml (1/2 cup) maple syrup
3 tables spoons of finely chopped pecan nuts
310g (2 1/2 cups) wholemeal self raising flour
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda (baking soda)
1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat oven to 180c (350F)
Mix all ingredients together by hand and ensure all is combined well.
Add 13fl (1 and 1/2 cups) of water and fold together.
The mixture should not be two wet, if it is add a little more flour.

Lightly spray a 12 hole muffin tray with oil and spoon mixture into try holes.

Bake for approx 25 minutes

Enjoy.

Getting your funny bone back

Happiness is different for each of us. For example, I went to the comedy festival recently with my GF and during the show, she turned to me and said “Didn’t you find that funny” I said…

I did but I was laughing inside LOL  🙂

It made me think…It is much more engaging to laugh on the outside and show the world you are outwardly happy. It’s hard to tell from the outside if someone is happy or sad or even just neutral? But as we know,  going through divorce or separation with children can slap the smile off any Dad’s face.  Over time some of us become a little more “serious”  and it takes a lot more that Dave Hughes, Judith Lucy, Julia Morris or Wil Andreson to make you laugh.

Happiness is something I feel we need to practise and continually work at so we don’t loose our funny bone 🙂 I always admire people who are quick to laugh and find funny in the smallest moments.

Here are some practical ideas to work on that can help you find your sense of humour and happy-bone back.
smiling DadIf it’s worth a smile then SMILE everytime, same goes for a laugh.


 

 

plan a trip dadPlan a trip of any sort and get away.

 


 

meditating dadMeditate and rewire your brain to accept happiness

 


 

helping others dadDedicate some time during the week helping others, a great way is to join a charity group, they always love volunteers.


exercise dadExercise 3 times a week, its takes discipline but its worth it.

 


 

walking dadGet out and walk and breath in that oxygen as much as you can

 


 

gratitude dadHave gratitude for even the little things

 


 


work close to home dadIf it is at all possible move closer to work.

 


 

spend time with a friend dadHang out with a friend that is positive and enhances your life.

 


 

Playing an instrument dadLearn to play guitar or an instrument you like the sound of.

 


 

sleeping dadSleep and rest, Go to bed early and sleep-in when you can.

 

 

Go on, practise a few of these and be intentional about doing them, you will see change and after a while people will notice a sense of fun about you or at-least a few more smiles 🙂 :

Cheers to saying what you mean

dads basic fundamentalsWe seem to live by other peoples rules, each day worrying about what other people think, sacrificing who we are because someone else might have a problem with it.
We need to love who we are, be courageous and confident and live instead of just surviving. By using some fundamental basics (listed below), that in the event that someone doesn’t agree with us, then its their reality not ours.

These fundamentals are:

  1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
    • Speak with integrity
    • Say only what you mean
    • Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others
    • Use the power of your word to speak only with honesty and friendship
  2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
    • Nothing others do is because of you
    • What others say and do is a projection of their own reality
    • When you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering
  3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
    • Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want
    • Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings
    • If you live by just this 1 rule, you can completely change your life
  4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
    • Your best will always change from day to day moment to moment – it will be different depending on wether you are healthy or sick, happy or sad.
    • Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-torment and any regret

 

The Dad documentary

FOUR DADS, ONE MUM, A JOURNO, A PROFESSOR OF FAMILY LAW, A JUDGE AND A POLITICIAN, ALL COME TOGETHER TO TELL THE STORY OF BEING A DAD.

In May 2013,  a Dad desperate to spend more time with his children asked me to research the injustices within the Australian Family Court and The Child Support Agency.

I couldn’t believe this worldwide problem was buried so deep, one which affects every person, young and old and is detrimental to our future, the cornerstone of society – family.

Parents all over the world are being alienated from their children, costing society millions and increasing the rates of depression and suicide.

Our Family Law system is “grossly overstretched”, court orders are not enforced and there are no repercussions for perjury.

Is our current judical system really working in the ‘best interest of the children’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0Yor8GUuBVo

Directed & produced by: Karen Hodgkins
Virtual Reality Media

Note: There will be campaigns run around Australia, I will keep you updated once we know their plans, dates and locations.

Card Hug – a great way to keep in touch

It is not surprising that Australia Post won the best print advertisement at the Caxton Awards in 2007.  M&C Saatchi Melbourne created the advertisement rightly named “Letter Hug”.  In a previous post we spoke briefly of keeping in touch in between visits by sending a card, for the purpose of this post we should call it the “Card Hug”.  The cards are simply written with loving words that ensure your children know they are top of mind even when you are not there.  It can be a message saying  you have arranged something special for the next time they visit, or you were remembering the last weekend and how much fun you had together.

It could be even letting them know how proud you are of them and to have a great week with their mum and you will see them soon. There are lots of message ideas and anyone from 4 – 74 enjoys receiving cards.  A “card hug” sent fortnightly can be a wonderful reminder and a nice habit to get into.

Let us know if you have had experience with this?

More contact = Less grief

Fathers who have more contact with their children suffer less grief than fathers who have little contact. I have experienced both sides of this fence, and can empathise with fathers who see their children only every second weekend or less for that matter.  This causes grief through the feeling of “separation loss” of your children.  The moment we leave the family home our role changes, we are forced to physically care less for our children on a day to day basis. Everything we used to do in our former family life is adjusted!

There were times I questioned if I did the right thing and may have thought I could have worked harder at trying the save the marriage? These feeling came about from going to sleep and waking every morning without my child, I found it extremely distressful even though I was happy to be out of the marriage!

There has been very little research on the well-being of fathers leaving the family home however, in 1987 some research showing that men after divorce and separation who had children were more likely to suffer levels of depression and had lower self image issues than men who were otherwise married.

In 2007 a thesis was conducted by Helen Margaret McKeering at the Queensland University of Technology,  on Separated Fathers: Generativity (generative work), Grief and Mental Health.  It looks to provide answers to questions about the relationship between generativity,  access to children,  grief and mental health amongst separated fathers.

In summary the thesis found when a father is prevented from  behaving as he believes a father should, a dissonance between his behavior and his cognition’s occurs, which may result in mental health problems and low levels of well being.  Fathers who consider themselves as “good fathers” may consider the father role to be that of the provider with a distant style of physiological involvement such as moral guardian.  Other “good fathers” may perceive the father role to be predominately child-parent interaction with emotional  involvement and hands on approach.  Many father will incorporate mixtures of both dimensions in their ideal father role.

Definitions are as follows:

GENERATIVITY– Is the process of learning to care for others and an interest in establishing and guiding the next generation.

GENERATIVITY WORK – The concept of fathering,  mens sustained efforts to care for and about their children.

GRIEF– Is the emotional, cognitive and somatic reaction through the perception of loss through separation or death.

The level of support is minimal offered to fathers in coping and dealing with these issues and I suggest that you actively seek out your own help as I did i.e. speak to people such as physiologists and  counselors. They won’t try to persuade you to stay together or even separate, they are great listeners  helping  you to deal with your loss and pain and very importantly provide you with coping strategies to help work through your individual needs.

Even if you are adjusting to your new life as a separated dad, the feeling of loneliness and loss is very real. You must always remember that your children will cease having a dad only when you give up being their dad!  The key word is “perseverance” would you mind if I said that again “perseverance”.  You can find an interesting article in Divorced Dads – Survival Guide for a good read on this topic.

Our emotional and mental state gets a beating and I don’t believe that we ever fully recover, recover yes but fully?  I would be interested in your comments.

 

Your Dream

Live-Your-Dream with no regretsEver thought of becoming a builder; personal trainer; becoming a better friend or father; running a marathon; or writing a book?

We all have dreams but too few of us have the faith or fortitude to see them through. Committing to realizing your dream can often be so daunting we relinquish the idea to fantasy – never living our dreams at all. They become the regrets and “what ifs?” of our lives.

Is it the thought “I might fail”, or worse “I might succeed”? Is it you feel you’ve left everything a little too late? Have you procrastinated around your dream? Have your friends, family and loved ones dismissed you and your ideas and dreams as mere fancy? Have you been bullied or manipulated into thinking other people’s opinions are correct? Or is it that you simply doubt your worth and ability? What does your heart tell you? Have you just quit?

The truth is its okay to be frightened. The truth is (from time to time) people will dismiss you and pull you down particularly if you want to stretch yourself spiritually, physically, and intellectually. The truth is its likely you do this to yourself as well. The truth is it’s your dream and no one else’s so it’s likely you will be in it alone.

More than anything ever created, any disease, any famine, or violence. More than any war or any abuse; fear has done more to damage people’s lives (and leaves in its wake mountains of despair and destruction) than any other spiritual or physical instrument imaginable.

Unfulfilled lives cause people to become lost, bitter, and barren.

So how do we win? How do we overcome negative outside forces and our own self-loathing? How do we live a life without regret?

At church, at school, through our parents (if you were blessed), in books, and at motivational meetings each of us has likely to have heard the message “we’re all capable of accomplishing incredible things”.

“Your life, your perfect life is waiting for you.” “The life you want to live, the life you dream of is available to each and every one of us right now!”

I expect the evidence around you tells a different story. Evidence of bad blood between brothers, closed hearts, unrequited love, hopeful careers fallen by the wayside, and lovers and children you don’t know how to communicate with anymore. Resentments unforgiven, a mortgage hanging around your neck, an addiction tearing at your soul, the darkest loneliness, or perhaps it’s as simple as a lie you told your boss that won’t let you sleep at night – the list is endless isn’t it?

So what is the truth? Is the good life merely an un-kept promise? A fable? Something that’s exclusively available to everyone else except you?

Fear some say, is “false evidence appearing real”. Yet if you’ve ever felt fear at any depth you’ll know it doesn’t feel false, it’s about as real as it gets.

The dictionary says fear is “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain whether the threat is real or imagined.”

Is there more to fear than our own imaginings? I expect so, because of course there is the seen and the unseen. It is my personal belief that fear, procrastination, and dark imaginings don’t just come from within, they also come from with-out. However, fear does come in many forms, and regardless of the type it insidiously sneaks in to ruin any chance of our achieving our true selves.

I can’t promise you that overcoming fear will suddenly catapult you into a new and grand life, accelerate your sales, or get you the relationship you’ve been dreaming of, but I can promise you peace-of-mind, and perhaps a wiser heart. And for some, this alone would be an amazing life to live, yes?

The biggest problem with self-imposed fear is that it isn’t probably real, but it is a natural reaction to things we perceive as painful or challenging. The trick in overcoming this type of fear is to learn how to remain in the moment. Don’t live in the past or the future, each only exists in our imaginings. If you live in the ‘now’ your fear will be diminished because most self-ignited fear is about something that happened to us years ago, or something we fantasize might happen in the future.

Expect the worst, and the worst is likely to come. Expect the best (not second best) and something better will indeed come. I’ve written much about ‘action and courage’ over the years, two tools that will help you overcome your fears. But its action that’s key.

Success at life is a result of getting in the game. You cannot win by standing on the sidelines watching everyone else play. The fear of rejection, confrontation, loss, and humiliation all keep us from living, and help us build a large pile of regrets. Of course participation in life is not a perfect recipe, there is always the risk things will not go as planned. But that’s the game right?

A dear friend of mine wrote:

Some people spend all of their lives saying “If only”, “I could have”, and “I should have”; but then there is you and me. The ones who dare to jump into the fire, the ones who stand up for one more round with the taste of blood in our mouths.

The ones, who don’t quit, who don’t betray (ourselves or others); and in this resilience find the only reward there is. A life well lived.

Thank you to Michael Tate for this inspiring story.To learn more about Michael, click on his name and it will take you to his LinkedIn profile page.

The top 5 reasons why Men and Woman cheat

CheatingYou see them and their smile melts you… and they’re into you, too. A few months pass and you’re in a committed relationship with “I love you’s” and great times. Then… the unthinkable: They cheat. The emotional reaction is one we know well: “How could you DO THAT!??!” However, the act — while the ultimate expression of physical betrayal— is a symptom of the real issues. What really needs to be looked at and discussed is: What were the precursors to their infidelity? What were the challenges in the relationship? What was said and unsaid, and what were the warning signs?

Does that mean there’s an excuse? Hardly. Despite recent articles and studies that suggest the existence of a cheating gene ingrained into the DNA of some people (nothing like being the victim of your own choices), there is no excuse for infidelity. There can be explanations , but there is no excuse. Ultimately, if you are unhappy in your relationship that you are looking externally to fulfill your emotional/physical needs, you need to leave… close one chapter before starting another, and allow every their dignity and honor as things end. Unfortunately, that’s not necessarily the way things go sometimes.

FLINGS AND AFFAIRS
There are two types of extramarital relationships: Flings and Affairs. Flings are the most common, most often involving opportunity, lust, and lack of self-control. Whether you are talking about a man or a woman, you can hear the excuses/justifications in your head: “Babe, I screwed up. I got drunk in Vegas with the [guys/girls] and ended up sleeping with this stripper I met at the club. It didn’t mean anything, and I promise it won’t happen again. Please forgive me.”

Okay… people aren’t perfect. They make mistakes. They make bad choices. And sometimes, opportunity can make good people do bad things. But Flings are really about no self-control, and they showcase how the cheater is willing to sacrifice their honor—and their partner’s honor—for a one-night-stand. Choosing to forgive a Fling means you need to think long and hard about it. I’m not a believer in”Once a cheater, always a cheater,” (because cheaters can choose to follow a faithful path with different partner with different relationship dynamics), but Flings are about selfishness… and that doesn’t just go away.

Affairs are different, as they aren’t fast hit-it-and-quit-it acts of misguided lust and sexual wanting. These are long-term relationships—sometimes involving sex, sometimes not—and they are trickier for someone to get over because their has been investment over time—and it’s also an emotional investment, as well. People sharing the inner-workings of their personal lives, their activities, their kids—all while dropping back from their established relationship. All-in-all, forgiveness and moving past an Affair is wrought with challenges.

Which brings us to a different kind of cheating for the web-based era: Online Affairs. There are an endless number of websites that advocate and enable real-world affairs (whose highest spending advertisers are divorce lawyers). But meeting someone online and then quickly transferring the relationship to the real world is really just a fling. Online Affairs are different. With the use of social media and community-centric websites now ingrained into our everyday lives, connecting with others in remote locations isn’t just the activity of a small subculture. Bottom line: Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity. The reason? The entire “connection” between the two parties is emotional.

BUT WHY DO THEY CHEAT?

In surveying 1,000 men and women (483 men, 543 women), two things became clear: 1) Women cheat just as much as men (dispelling the myth that men cheat more); and 2) The reasons the genders cheat are very different. 86% of the women polled reported that they cheat mostly for emotional reasons, stating the following top reasons for pursuing an extramarital affair:

  • Lack of emotional intimacy
  • Marital or relationship unhappiness
  • Reaffirm her desirability
  • To re-experience feelings of romance
  • Loneliness

Of the men polled, 82% openly admitted to cheating largely for physical or sexual gratification with no emotional tie. Rounding out the top reasons men cheat included:

  • Just want to have sex or sexual variety
  • Presented with an opportunity to have sex, without getting immediately caught
  • Satisfy sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person
  • The “thrill of the chase”
  • The desire to feel important or special (an ego boost)

However, in delving further into the mens’ reasons, I discovered that many of the men felt that they were “unable to get out of their relationship” prior to their infidelity, which translated into the simple fact that they lacked the skills/respect to maturely discuss their unhappiness with their significant other. In short, they acknowledged that they were unhappy and looking for a way out, but they couldn’t bring themselves to pull the trigger on the relationship. If they cheated and got caught (most long-term cheaters do end up getting caught), they were able to quickly turn the tables, telling their spouse how it was THEIR fault they cheated because [insert reason here: not enough sex, boredom, etc.].

This lends credibility to thousands of discussions interactions I’ve led on my Facebook page— cheating is a symptom of an already failing/failed relationship. Communication has broken down and a disconnect already exists. The cheater is looking outside of the relationship to have their emotional/physical needs met because they are [usually] already mentally checked-out.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Monogamy and exclusive relationships aren’t for everyone. But, if you’ve made promises, stick to them, or have the common courtesy to close one chapter before starting another. That way, everyone can keep their honor and integrity… and move on.

“Original article on charlesjorlando.com. Reposted with permission.” http://www.theproblemismen.com/rants/whytheycheated

Where possible always choose to mediate

Emmanuel Samios BarristerIf you were in a relationship that has irretrievably broken down, you may have some questions…
How do you settle your affairs and move on with your life?
How do you make parenting arrangements with the best interests of your children in mind?
How do you divide the matrimonial property in a way that is just and equitable, that you can both live with?

The litigation trap
If you can’t negotiate these issues with your former partner, it’s tempting to file a family law application in Court.
If you make the decision to litigate, you will likely begin a process that is extremely costly, stressful, inconvenient and time consuming for both of you.

Flaming conflict
You should also remember that litigation usually adds to the conflict.
Where children are involved, you should consider it your personal duty to reduce conflict if at all possible… to minimise the risk of your adult issues affecting your children.
Another problem is that if you initiate litigation, it can make negotiation with your former partner much harder.
There is a real risk that they will stop thinking about how to solve the issues with you, and focus their attention to beating you in court.
That is a completely different mindset that can escalate the conflict.
Suddenly, they may stop talking to you and demand you only speak to them through their lawyers.

Best time to mediate
I think the best time to mediate is usually before you commence litigation… and for maximum chance of success, I encourage you to attend my mediations without legal representation.
If your matter is already in court, we can still mediate to try to get you out of the court process before you incur even more legal fees.

Keeping control
By filing in court, what you are really doing is taking the decision making power out of your hands and placing it in the hands of a Judge.
You may be lucky and everything goes your way in Court.
However, what often occurs is that the Court will make orders that both parties are unhappy with.
It’s my opinion that the Australian Family Law Judges do an excellent job managing a very heavy work load.
The Australian judiciary is truly outstanding.
But… that said… who is in a better position to understand the needs of your children?
Is it you and your former partner, the people who raised your children from birth… or is it a judicial officer who is working from a court file?
With proper guidance, you and your former partner can make the best decisions for your children.

Privacy
There is also the matter of your privacy… the court is a public place.
Do you really want to air your dirty laundry for the world to see?
Do you want your family, friends, community to know what happened inside your home… inside your bedroom?
Do you want everyone to know your most sensitive financial affairs?
If you keep control, you can also protect your privacy.

Costs
There is also the issue of cost.
In Australia, it is common for legal fees to exceed $20,000 or $30,000 to take a simple matter all the way to a final hearing in court.
Your former partner will likely spend a similar amount of money.
I’ve seen cases where a party has spent over $100,000 on their own legal fees.
Where is the sense in you and your former partner spending so much money on legal fees?
… with no guarantee that you’ll get an outcome you can live with?

Lawyers
I have had the privilege of being briefed by some of the best Family Law solicitors in Australia.
You should find that most Australian solicitors are highly ethical and will do their very best for you…
But to provide you with high quality representation, they rightly need to charge proper fees for their professional time… and these fees will quickly add up.
No matter how hard they try to minimise your legal fees, they may have a hard time doing so where there is excessive conflict.
Let’s see if we can work together to reduce the conflict and minimise your legal fees.

My advice to you is to start the resolution process with mediation.
Don’t tangle yourself in litigation.
Don’t escalate the conflict with your former partner.
Keep control of the solution and don’t delegate your decision making power to the court lightly.
Defend your privacy.
Don’t spend huge amounts of money on legal fees … that is money which should go to you and your children.

Conclusion
As a family law barrister, I can assist you and your former partner to come to an agreement that you can both live with.
You will benefit from my experience in the Australian Family Law courts and benefit from the dispute resolution techniques I have developed in my practice.
My chambers are in Melbourne, however I will also mediate in Brisbane and Sydney.
Please contact my clerk, Patterson’s List, on 03 9225 7888.
Just tell my clerk that you would like to arrange a mediation with Emmanuel and we can make the arrangements.

Written by:
Emmanuel Samios LLB(Hons) LLM(QUT)
Barrister-at-Law
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scciQLqghnk