Dads Health Archives - Page 10 of 12

Men At Work

04/09/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

workingdad WHAT THEY WANT AND WHY IT MATTERS TO WOMEN

The 100% Project is a not for profit organisation that wants to see  100 percent of Australia’s leadership talent, female and male, equally contributing to our social and economic future. We exist because women are under-represented on most Boards and in the senior management teams of most Australian organisations.

We have to engage men if we are to achieve meaningful change – because men run most of the businesses and organisations where change is required and organisational culture is generally defined in male terms.

But what do men actually think about their role at work and at home?

Do they want the work-life balance more often seen as something women want? Do they feel they can take advantage of flexible working? And if they don’t, will women continue to miss out on their fair share of senior positions?

These are questions The 100% Project set out to explore in its latest research report, ‘Men at Work: What they want and why it matters for women’ published in September 2011.

Here’s what we found:
Men want to spend time and energy on their family life
75 percent of men surveyed expect to devote a significant amount of their time and energy to rearing their children.

And family is more important to them than their career
68 percent of men are willing to accept costs to other areas of their life so they can be involved in the day-to-day care of their children.

They want a rewarding career – but they won’t sacrifice everything for it
83 percent of men expect to devote significant time to building their career – but only 29 percent of men expect to make as many sacrifices as necessary to advance their career.

Men want work-life balance – and say their life as a whole is better if they get it
62 percent of men who are satisfied with their life as a whole agree that their work-life balance is right for their current situation. Only 14 percent of men who are not satisfied with their life think that their work-life balance is right.

MEN ARE NOT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT…

They work harder if their employer encourages work/family balance – even if they themselves don’t take advantage of work/life balance programs 79 percent of men who say they are engaged at work agree that their employer encourages employees to strike a balance between their work and family lives. Only 49 percent of non-engaged men agree with the same statement.

Men don’t ask for greater work-life balance, even if they have children, because they think asking will harm their career
Only 39 percent of men have asked for greater work-life balance at some time in their career. The top reasons for this include the belief that such a request would have negative effects on their career and that employers look negatively on employees who take advantage of work-life balance initiatives.

And women pay the price because men aren’t getting what they want
The women we surveyed are just as committed to their careers as men. But if men don’t feel they can request the work-life balance they want, then women will continue to carry most of the burden of maintaining a home and raising the children.

As they can’t share this burden, more women than men will continue to ask for flexible working arrangements such as part-time work.
This will perpetuate the inaccurate view that these initiatives are only for women who are not committed to their careers.

Working long hours in full time jobs with little flexibility may not be what all men want, but it gives them an advantage over many women in winning appointment to senior positions. It also contributes to the unhealthy culture of long working hours with rigid role structures in many Australian organisations.

We can see the price that women pay for this in not making it into senior leadership roles.

Giving men real opportunities for flexible working will:

• Enrich their work and family life
• Improve their job satisfaction and engagement at work
• Enhance their overall sense of well-being, and
• Help open up opportunities for women as well.

Failing this, the leadership opportunities open to Australian women will not improve, remaining significantly lower than in other developed nations – and men will continue to miss out on meaningful time with their families.

We acknowledge The 100% project for this research.
They would like to thank Partners and Sponsors who made this research possible: Principle launch partner – Australia Post, Research Partners – School of Psychology, Deacon University, Media Communication Partners – Reputation, Launch sponsors – PCW, Able and Baker, People Measures.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Work life balance

3 Assertive Ways to Get More Time with Your Kids

23/08/2013 By DO 1 Comment

3 assertive ways to get more time with your kids

As a dad, one of your biggest challenges is probably finding more time to spend with your kids.

Each day only has 24 hours and there is nothing you can do about that, which means that the only way to find more time for your kids is to redirect time you spend on other activities.

I am willing to bet that one of the highest demands on your time comes from your job, along with any auxiliary activities it entails such as preparation, commuting and so on. Well, your job also presents the best opportunity to redirect time and thus have more time to spend with your kids.

Now I realize this is easier said than done, which is why I’d like to actually show you 3 effective techniques you can use to make this happen.

All these techniques revolve around the concept of assertiveness. To be assertive means to put taking care of your needs first and to express yourself openly in your relationships with others, but from a position of respect towards others, not aggressively.

Assertiveness is something you can use in your career to effectively free up time and not let your job overwhelm your finite time resources. Here are the 3 specific ways you can do this:

1. Practice Saying “No”

You probably end up dedicating a lot more time to your work than you’d like to, because others in the workplace ask for it and you just don’t say “no”.

Your boss asks you to stay overtime repeatedly and each time you agree, even though you don’t really want to. Some of your colleagues ask you for help regularly and you end up working late in order to help them get their job done, even though you’d prefer they do it on their own. And thus, you give others big chunks of your time.

This has to change. You need to deliberately practice politely but firmly saying “no” when people at work make demands on your time. Not all the time, just some of the time, when you believe you’re entitled.

I know refusing a request involving your time may be hard for you right now. My advice is to take it gradually. Say “no” to small requests first, and progressively move up to more important requests. Also, always bear in mind that your time is important and you have the right to not give others in the workplace more of your time than your job responsibilities demand.

The more you practice saying “no” and the more you apply this mindset, the easier it gets to say “no”.

2. Try to Obtain Work-From-Home Days

If you would work from home some of the time and eliminate part of your daily commute, you would surely be able to spend a lot more time with your kids.

And doing at least some work from home is very likely possible in your job logistically speaking. All you need to do is get your employer to allow it.

Personally, I’ve coached several clients and helped them convince their employer to let them work from home 1, 2 or 3 days per week. The essential thing is to ignore any doubts you may have and actually go to your manager and ask them for this. And have a few persuasive arguments why they should approve your request.

You may feel some social awkwardness when doing this. It’s because you’re making a request of a superior that you’re not used to. Trust me: it will be fine. Ignore the awkwardness and do it.

Ideally, at first just suggest your manager to let you work one day per week at home for a couple of weeks, just as an experiment. If that goes well and your productivity stays the same or it actually improves, then you have a case for asking to make this permanent. Then perhaps to add one more work-from-home day, and then even another.

If your manager sees that you working from home doesn’t cause any problems, they value you as an employee and they know this is something important to you, you’re very likely to pull it off and end up doing part of your job from the comfort of your own home.

3. Find a Better Employer

Sometimes no matter how much you try to say “no” and you endeavor to negotiate the use of your time at work, you still can’t free up too much of it.

The dynamic of the company you work for is of such a nature that it constantly puts a high demand on your time and you have little control over this. Maybe you’re in an organization with a lot of emphasis on hard work and little respect for family life, or you have very rigid managers and colleagues; who knows?

Fortunately, if you’re a professional who has a lot to offer, it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find a job in a company with better conditions and less strenuous demands on your time. You will need to be proactive though: search for jobs, send your resume and go to interviews. A better job won’t just fall in your lap. But as long as you take action diligently, results will happen.

The key idea to consider is that you deserve to have a decent amount of time to spend with your kids. Your work isn’t your entire life, it’s only a component of your life, and you have the right to put some clear boundaries on how much time you’re willing to invest in your work.

Do your job well and show commitment to it, but don’t let it absorb all your time and suck the life out of you. That’s what being assertive is all about, and that’s how you find more family time.

Guest Writer: Eduard Ezeanu coaches people who are shy and helps them become more outgoing, both in personal and professional situations. He believes that social confidence is a key factor in having a fulfilling life. You can read other articles from him on his two blogs, People Skills Decoded and Art of Confidence.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Kids Health, Parenting, Work life balance

Be intentional – don’t let work rob you of time with your kids

20/07/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

intentional For some dads, an effort is made to maintain a fine balance between work and family since they consider them intertwined and equally important. Just as you can’t be with your children 20 hours per day and hold a job, or spend 20 hours per day at work and be an effective dad, occasional compromises between work and family are required to maintain a happy medium.

For these dads, keeping work and family equal is a matter of pragmatism. On an emotional or ideal basis they believe that family is the higher priority. They believe that fulfilling their role as a father includes being a good provider, in fine balance with family life. They are defensive of family time, being intentional in their efforts to not let work rob their kids and family of time with their dad. One dad adjusts his shifts so he can spend more time with his kids. He’ll swap shifts to be at home even for a brief period at dinner time when he can ask the kids about their day.

A fathers love Another dad, a teacher, goes into work early so when he comes home in the evening his family has his full attention. Some dads maximize precious family time by including their kids in everything they do or wherever they go outside of work. Rather than stay in a job that intrudes into family time and is inflexible, many of these dads look for a new job that enables family time. These dads aren’t immune from the challenges of separating career and family priorities. In practice they are willing and intentional in their effort to compromise as best they can keep their career and family roles balanced.

Unless a dad is independently wealthy and doesn’t need to work, it is normal for him to be confronted with conflicting priorities of work and family. How the father addresses the balance of work and family has significant positive or negative ramifications for all stakeholders; himself, his family, and his employer.

For many separated dads, time becomes even more precious, the need to continue earning is a heightened because finances are stretched. Many dads that have a fortnightly or 50/50 access agreement take intentional action to ensure that nothing gets in the way of their time with their children. Work shifts, social engagements get pushed aside over having access with their children. For this group of dads, career and promotion opportunities are often missed and social friends disappear but from the value they get from fathering they would not have it any other way.

The father’s behavior will in large measure be based on his sense of control, the flexibility of his job and family, and his willingness to engage in healthy compromise and boundary setting. Work and family will be out of balance when boundaries are absent or not enforced. Poor boundaries created by an out of balance condition can be generated by the father, or in some cases inflexible demands of the family, the job or the employer.

Focus on the children can help fathers by raising their awareness of the factors necessary for a healthy work/family balance. Since families need to eat, there may be periods of time where it is the father’s duty to tolerate a work/family imbalance. On the other hand, many fathers may actually be promoting the condition by poor boundary setting or failing to research and pursue different job opportunities that may be available. With the many conflicting priorities inherent to work and family demands, the issues surrounding work/life imbalance can be a significant source of stress to fathers and their families.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Work life balance

ABSENT – Documentary

12/07/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

ABSENT documentary Filmmaker Justin Hunt will be joined by musician-composer James Hetfield in presenting and discussing the award-winning documentary Absent, exploring the worldwide crisis of absent and disengaged fathers and the negative impact that the “father wound” makes on society.

Weaving interviews with participants who speak from observation and personal experience, the film includes on-camera testimony from author John Eldredge, World Champion boxer Johnny Tapia, fitness model Robin Decker and James Hetfield, best known as co-founder of Metallica. “The father wound is so deep and so all-pervasive in so many parts of the world that its healing could well be the most radical social reform conceivable,” says Father Richard Rohr, and this film makes a strong case that this issue is central to the human condition.

Talking about James Hetfield’s involvement with the movie, Rockville Music Magazine published an exclusive interview with the film’s director Justin Hunt.

I am currently in the process of arranging a screening for all Dads Online friends and supporters around Australia. stay tuned!

Filed Under: Dads Health, Kids Health, Separation, Video

Kids and Health Insurance

11/07/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

kids and health insurance Divorce changes a lot of things in your family unit, but it does not change one of the major goals that parents often desire to achieve: the ability to raise your children in a way that puts their mental, emotional, and physical health first. Before your divorce, you and your spouse worked as a single unit to protect and provide for your children. Now you must work as separate units, all-be separate units that agree at times, to care for your children.

Private and public health insurance is one vital area that helps you and your ex encourage physical and emotional health in your children.

Medicare
The nice thing about Australia’s healthcare is that it already provides basic health care necessities for parents and their children. Tax and government funded Medicare provides you with a means to provide basic health insurance for your children at a free or reduced price. Medicare allows you to get your children:
• Free immunization shots.
• Free access to public hospital as a public patient.
• Cheaper access to public or private hospitals when you are a private patient.

If your child is a private patient you can decide when and where they will see a doctor. You will not need to wait hours or days on a wait list. When your children are private patients Medicare will pay for 75% of the Medicare Schedule fee.
• Some prescription drugs at a cheaper price.
Free or subsidized health care is a parent’s dream. Due to that fact, you may decide that you have no need for private health insurance. It is a valid choice, but you should be aware that public health insurance does not provide coverage for all necessary medical procedures. Medicare is great, but it is not perfect. Perfection would be financially unfeasible for any relatively free health care system.

Private Health Insurance
Although private health insurance provides basic health care for free or reduced prices, you still might decide to supplement your public health insurance with a private health insurance plan.

Hospital cover helps you pay for the portion of your health fees that Medicare does not cover:
• Ambulance rides.
• Rehabilitation fees.
• Theater fees that hospital charge you.
• The 25% not covered by the Medicare Schedule fee, as well as any additional money that you must pay for health care due to the fact that your doctor or hospital set their prices above the Medicare Schedule fee.

Extra cover provides you coverage for common medical procedures not covered by Medicare:
• Dental checkups.
• Glasses or contacts.
• Orthodontic Work.
• Prescription drugs.
• Physiotherapy.

If you feel that you can deal with surprise hospital visits alone, you might consider focusing any potential private health insurance on the extra coverage plans. While hospital visits may be few, the possibility that your children will need glasses, orthodontic work, or dental work is fairly high.

If you do decide that you want private health insurance, you should be aware that most of the insurance plans require a waiting period before you are able to make claims on your medical expenses. There will be a 6 month waiting period before any dental procedures and a 12 month waiting period before glasses and contacts are covered. You should not decide to sign up for health insurance because you want to save money on your purchasing glasses for your kid within the next week.

Single Parent Household Health Insurance
If you want private health insurance, but you do not believe it is economically feasible for you at this time. You should be aware that as a single parent, you are eligible for cheaper rates than you were before your divorce. Cheaper health insurance for single parent households is a development that came into effect in April of 2007. Before then single parent households were given the same monthly premium fees as families with two parents. If you are still struggling to pay for private health insurance with cheaper fees, you should consider requesting that your ex-wife pay for a portion of your monthly health insurance fees. If you are still negotiating your divorce, you could request that health care coverage be part of the child support that will be paid.

While health insurance is vital and private health insurance helps pay for some necessary medical procedures, you might be able to get by using Medicare. If you cannot handle another financial responsibility in your budget at this time, you may want to consider waiting for private health insurance. If you have the choice between superior health care and buying food for your kids, well the choice seems obvious to me. As parent’s you must do what you can to provide for your children, and one day you may be in a situation where you want afford to invest private health care for your children.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Kids Health

What I have learnt so far…

08/06/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

simplify your life I have been a separated dad for over 25 years, twice over. Its something I am not proud of but I am proud of being a good dad. I have had two very different experiences. My first child was every second weekend, I did everything I could to be in her life – as much as I was allowed or welcomed.

My second experience is what every dad deserves, 50% shared parenting. It really is full parenting because it is only you that cares for them when you have them. In some cases you are providing more parenting duties than if you were not separated as the mums in some families take on more of the everyday care. 50/50 is a complete parenting relationship.

It is also an emotional roller coaster and I would not wish it on anyone if at all avoidable. The grief, the tears, the worry, the distraction, the lack of money, the joy and happiness all mixed into one and it feels like it is never ending.

I started thinking about what have I learned so far travelling this road for 25 years.

I have listed some of them below…

Allow an extra 20 minutes in the morning if you have girls so they can spend time on their hair. If you don’t there will be an upset!
I am the brekky king! I believe it is an important meal of the day for us. I get up early to ensure there is no rush.
I enjoy being active on weekends, I plan activities but also plan down time i.e. time to lounge around and watch a DVD.
I have always had more fruit at home than sweets.
Yes more water than lemonade too.
We have been to McDonalds once in the last 12 months.
I’ve always put my children’s needs first when balancing time – because time flys.
I’m house proud and want a clean and tidy home for my children to come home to.
Reading before bed has served two purposes 1. Calms and relaxes 2. Quality time together
I cook 90% more than buy takeaway when I’m parenting.
Teaching the kids to value and look after their teeth is big at my place.
Over time I have collected a range of puzzle books and games to play at home on those rainy days.
I love to cook because its cheaper and healthier and I like to find different recipes the kids might like and experiment with different simple meals.
I learned early that our mental and physical well-being is paramount to being able to cope with everything that is going on. So I have always spent time on my own personal mental and physical health with mediation, reading, walking, running and or gym. I reckon it has saved me!
I treat myself every now and then with something that make me happy for doing a good job with parenting. It’s a little like patting yourself on the back.
Being involved in parent teacher interviews have been great and keep me up to date on how the kids are tracking at school both academically and socially.
When going through separation, I simplified my life as much as possible, I didn’t take on new debt or change jobs – Bunkering down helps.
I’ve enjoyed travelling both overseas and locally with my kids, it connects us with fond memories and is fun to plan and wait for the holiday to come around.
Having the mind set that you have an equal share in parenting duties. That means helping your child’s mother like taking extra time off work to help with school holidays and the student free days. It just makes life easier for everyone and hopefully it’s reciprocated.
Generally I have found that a social life with other parents is pretty non-existent because there seems to be a stigma attached to a single dad!! But I have been able with some parents to Invite their children over for play dates and I have prepared lunch for the kids etc. I always Invite the parents inside when they drop off so they see that it is a good environment to leave their children and that there kids are safe and well catered for.
Its not the army but I find kids operate much better and are happier with routine. So, I have always tried to keep simple routine in place I.e. bed and meal times, reading, showering and arriving at school on time etc
I’ve tried to keep in touch with extended family, keeping family connections alive. If you don’t it can be a bit of a solo life, family are always there and friends are not.
There has been some fun and enjoyable moments which involved the kids cooking breakfast, lunch or dinner and even cleaning and shopping – I’ve tried to involve them in my day to day life.
Teach the kids to conserve energy and value the planet.
Be a good role model by not swearing or speaking badly of their mother in front of them if that is your situation. Don’t be afraid to fight behind the scenes for 50/50 parenting if you have to.
Be consistent in your moods around them. If you’re having a bad day relax and be present with the kids it really helps to keep things in perspective.
Remember whilst your kids are growing up they love you unconditionally.
Listen 70% and ask questions 30%
Be involved in your child’s life, they need you more than any materialistic item you could buy them. Make them a priority.
I always ended the night with a cuddle
You will find love again.

Doing the best you can does not always guarantee the love of your children when they get older. However, it does give you peace of mind that you have done the best your could, with what you were given.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Parenting, Separation

How to cope emotionally when your children want nothing to do with you.

13/04/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

How to cope emotionally when your children want nothing to do with you Rejection is usually a difficult emotion to deal with for anyone. When it comes from your children, the pain can be unbearable. Depending on the circumstances in the family, such rejection can be all consuming for a father.

Keep a perspective can help in coping with rejection. The child’s attitude may not be forever. Also, there is usually a significant reason why they want to maintain a distance, at least from the child’s perspective, irrespective of what influences there are on the child. It helps to reflect on these reasons and if you can’t do it on your own without always becoming distressed or angry, then getting support from others, including professionals may be a helpful path. Regardless of any perceived injustice on you, your child will need your patience and respect, while maintaining an ‘open door’ policy to show them you are available, open minded and dependable.

Focus on your strengths as a father and make those strengths stronger. Look back over time and recall your achievements, recall the lessons you learnt from your father and mother, and what you have gained from other men and fathers you have known or read about. Improve who you want be as a dad. When the time comes for your child to want you back in, you’ll have even more to offer.

Fathers who pour energy into their mental, physical and emotional well being are also likely to be healthy men and fathers, who children will look up to and enjoy being with. The usual suspects apply, such as physical exercise, healthy eating, and keeping away from damaging drugs and alcohol abuse. Meditation can help in many ways, including increasing how well you tolerate stress, reduce your emotional reactivity, and increase your acceptance of changes beyond your control. Paying attention to your social network is also very important. Invest in new friendships and networks (clubs, groups, etc), and reinvest in old ones – it’s never too late.

There are also various support services available such as : self-help groups and telephone counselling services for men, as well as group programs which focus on fathers and separation. Check the links available on this website.

For some fathers, professional support may be necessary if implementing some of these suggestions is difficult or if extra specialist help is needed. If so, you may wish to have a look at http://www.vcps.com.au/ .

By Dr Cherine Habib
Clinical Psychologist and Father.
Victorian Counselling and Psychological Services

Filed Under: Dads Health, General posts & comments

The power of being present

14/03/2013 By DO Leave a Comment

Power of being present If you were to spend a lot of time with me a few years ago, you would have observed the serious and worry side of me. Today that side is still there but in a lessor degree because it gets replaced by a conscious effort to be present in the moment.

Those worries were varied, I could be walking around the supermarket looking for the diced tomato’s but instead my mind would be clouded with many troublesome thoughts all brought about from the complex issues around separation and shared parenting. I learned that our mind play games and we think about negative things that might never happen, in fact 95% of the time they never do.

Being present is one of the most talked about mental dynamics in spiritual life, and that it may be the single most important concept of living if your goal is to be happy and effective. In the absence of being present, we can live in a world of fear, anticipation, regret, anxiety and stress.

Our minds can take us back to the past, reminding us of painful times and our world of troubles, as well as into the future as it did with me, encouraging me to worry and stress.

I have learned to clear my mind and be present these days and i now carry less stress, not only for myself but everyone around me is happier. When your mind is present in the moment, we are less distracted with thoughts of what “might” happen or the negative intentions of other people. We don’t get overwhelmed with negative reminders of hurtful experiences. Instead, when we are present, we simply get on with what needs to be done now, we are focused on the present moment. If you are visiting a friend or you have your kids with you, you listen to them intently and with respect rather than allow your mind to wonder elsewhere.

It took quiet along time to get a handle on being present. It is not something that I read then implemented the next day, it took practice, but we all have the power to do it. When our minds wonder from here to there, thinking about problems, becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of past or future drama’s. Its like we get lost in the content of our own thinking, and we don’t even realise it is happening, it just happens.

But i have learned and you can too that we have the power to recognise our own thinking when its taking us to a place we don’t want to go. When we do, we’re able to bring our attention back to the moment – to what ever we are doing or whoever we are with. With regular practise and when you can do this, you will notice that what ever your dealing with will be far less stressful.

Being present will reduce the stress you feel even if your handling a serious issue at that moment.

It is about consciously knowing how we can contribute or exacerbate the painful experiences in our lives by failing to recognise when our mind is taking us to a painful place. For example: We might be doing ok financially but are worrying ourself sick about saving for retirement. Being more present is not saying don’t plan for your retirement but rather a way of moving through your life effectively without it ruining or magnifying the issue today.

My life today is easier, things that used to drive me crazy don’t so much nowadays, by practising being more present orientated, it has brought me peace of mind and less stress 🙂 have you been able to master this yet? let us know so that others can learn from your experiences too.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health

Things I wish I had of known earlier

05/01/2013 By DO 2 Comments

Things I wish I had of known earlier Sometimes it seems like the whole purpose of life is just to learn and grow. We learn from our mistakes. I reckon that most of us do not learn unless we have made some mistakes and have suffered its consequences.

I also believe that the majority among us keep on repeating the same mistakes again and again and in doing so, keep on attracting the same kind of circumstances in our lives and then keep complaining too.

There are some of us who learn from the mistakes of others. The majority among us though must go out there, make our own mistakes, learn from them, change our thinking and behavior and move on. These are the wise ones.

Learning from your mistakes is incomplete without a change in your thinking patterns. Changed thought patterns bring about changed behavior.

Here are some life lessons I and some friends have learnt after making mistakes. I am sharing them with you in the hope that you may be among the wise ones.

The most sincere and selfless people around you are your parents. They maybe wrong sometimes and maybe hard on you but don’t just rebel against them without trying to understand their intentions first.
Save some part of your money whenever you get some and don’t touch it unless you really really need it.
Spend most of your money on things whose value increase with time, rather than immediate pleasure. It won’t last long otherwise.
There is no shortcut to being rich. Anyone who tells you so is lying.
Time is more important than money.
Family is more important than career.
Pursue what you love to do and be great at it and find a way to make a living doing that.
If you are unable to make a living while doing what you love don’t stop doing what you love to do, and while you make your living doing something else keep thinking how can do what you love and still live of it.
Make sure the people you love know it, no matter how busy you are. Never assume they know. Even if they know tell them anyway.
Read good books instead of watching TV. You will learn more and waste less time.
Don’t buy what they advertise just on an impulse. Take your time to decide if you really need that thing.
Change your friends if they do not share your values. It won’t kill you or your reputation.
Take risks but calculate the risks before taking them to see that you can handle the failure.
Plan your life but leave room for unplanned activities too. Let yourself experience the element of surprise.
Remember that nothing lasts forever. Nothing. So appreciate what you have when you have it.
It’s better to agree to disagree rather than trying to force your point of view on someone who doesn’t think like you do.
Accept your failures with grace and don’t bury yourself in depression when you don’t get what you want. There might be something better waiting for you.
Loving someone does not mean you have to agree on everything.
When you are doing something try to focus all your attention to just that task. Forget about everything else.
Be healthy. Exercise, eat healthy foods, sleep well and you won’t get to see very many doctors in life.
Don’t do things just because everyone else is doing them. Choose what you want to do consciously with specific reasoning.

Filed Under: Dads Health

A Christmas message from Victorian Counselling and Psychological Services

20/12/2012 By DO Leave a Comment

Christmas time and the holiday season can be a challenging period for single fathers. When families are getting together and sharing experiences, those in separated families can experience loneliness and isolation.

It is important to ensure that you have some events scheduled with others who are supportive of your situation. You should plan your schedule in advance to include activities that you can look forward to.

You could create a list of others who are supportive of your situation including single fathers, members of your family, your children and friends. Then take the initiative to invite these people into your life over the holiday period; don’t just wait and hope to be invited by others.

You should also ensure that you have some activities just for yourself, especially if you are having time of from work. Whilst the holiday season can be a well earned break for some, others feel lost and isolated without their work routine.

It is also important to have time with your children and that you plan this in advance with others involved in your child’s care. If you are stuck for ideas, you could look at “Kids” section of the following web site www.au.timeout.com

The new year period is also a good time to check in with yourself regarding your overall emotional health. An excellent place to start is the www.vcps.com.au website where you can download a free e-book – “Your guide to good mental health”.

By Robert Luzza
Psychologist & Director
Victorian Counselling & Psychological Services

Filed Under: Celebrations, Dads Health, Separation

The unchallengeable power of love.

14/12/2012 By DO Leave a Comment

The unchallengeable power of Love I was sitting there on the sand facing the ocean. She was sitting in front of me, with her back against my chest. My arms around her, holding her close to me, I was touching her face. Her hair fluttered around in the wind that was caressing us lovingly—the wind of life passing by.

Clouds hovered above our heads, looking down and watching us with their invisible eyes, as if they wanted to capture the essence of that moment.

The crimson-orange sun was slipping into the ocean, bit by bit, moment by moment—as if deliberately—just to see us together one more time before embarking on its own journey, leaving behind just a yellow tint on the skyline.

I looked at the setting sun and it spoke to me, “Stay there my friend, as long as you are meant to be. Make this moment eternal. Freeze it in your heart like a beautiful painting, so that you can look at it when you need to—and you will need to someday!”

There was no noise. Just the sound. The sound of silence. The sound of the wind passing by. The sound of the waves coming, touching our feet—as if to kiss them—and going back, taking away with them the message of love into the ocean of eternity!

There were no words to say. No things to talk about. All was said and heard already. No questions remained. No answers were needed. All we needed was already there—Us!

We were two souls becoming one in that moment—the moment of a lifetime!

Just like in the heart of an atom lies an enormous power, which if allowed to explode can destroy everything around it, similarly, there exist moments in our lives, which if allowed to come to surface and open up, have the incredible power to demolish all the emotional blockages, that we take years to build, in order to keep our sorrows, hurts and suffering of our pasts locked up inside us.

We lock them up so that we can survive and go on with our “normal” lives. The lives that other people see us living. But only we know, that’s how other people perceive our lives to be, is not how our lives are. There is always an undercurrent of life that we live, along with a life that we live on the surface.

And then someday, something happens and that moment—which we always keep hidden inside us and avoid facing at all costs—comes to surface and explodes. Its utter intensity and colossal power takes on a life of its own.

We feel helpless in front of it. We give up because there is no other choice but to surrender ourselves before it. We let it do what it is supposed to do—to shatter to pieces all the bandages that we put on our hearts, wound by wound.

And then the storm bursts forth with an all-consuming force, and spills out of our eyes in the form of tears. They just come and come and come… We cry from the heart. Our souls shiver in the presence of such a moment and we—ourselves—become just like a tear. Wet from the inside out, drifting away from ourselves, going with the pull of the gravity of our emotions.

It doesn’t stop, unless everything is washed away. It doesn’t end, unless there is nothing left to cry about. It doesn’t rest, unless all that remains in our hearts is emptiness.

And emptiness is a blessing, because if your heart is already filled, you can not love anyone or anything, without creating a mess inside an already messy heart. Cleansing is important and that is what that moment does to us. It cleans out the past debris, leaving behind a heart as pure as gold.

People say that you can only love once in your life. They say that you can never forget your first love or your last love. I say that there is no first or second or last love. There is only love and we love the people we are supposed to love when it’s their time to show up in our lives.

You won’t be able to stop that feeling of love for someone when it is time for you to love him or her. Reasons don’t matter in the affairs of the hearts. Hearts come with a reasoning of their own.

And every love that you experience is different and yet the same. Each love leaves you with something immortal, eternal and changes you in an unchangeable way. And listen to me when I say this;

If you have loved someone, and that has not changed your life for good, you have never really loved.

That is the unchallengeable power of love.

People love and get hurt, and heartbroken many of them either fall into depression or turn toward avoidance by welcoming drugs and/or revengeful lust in their lives. They think that their lives are worth nothing, now that they can not be with the one they love.

What a wasteful approach toward love that is! What a sad, negative approach!

Yes it hurts and it hurts really bad when it happens, and yes it leaves its scars on your soul, but is that all that your loving someone gives you?

What about those golden moments when you felt complete with the person you loved? Don’t they mean anything to you now?

What about the ecstasy in which your spirit danced when you loved someone? Does that have no value for you, now that your beloved is not with you anymore?

Why not?

Love is just like life. It has its ups and downs. Sorrows and pleasures. Hurt and healing.

Why do we only focus on the hurts and forget about all the pleasures it lets us experience? Why we only remember the suffering and choose not to acknowledge its blessedness? Like I said, love is just like life. Love is life. Life is love.

So let’s treat it as life itself.

Strip away the hurt and let that moment dance in your heart which made you feel complete—even if for a second. Get rid of the suffering and let the glorious light of love shine in your spirit.

And as for the hurts and suffering—The Moment—which I talked about above, will take care of that. Your tears will wash it all away. Learn to cry like that. Learn to let that moment soothe your trembling heart. Learn to respect those healing tears—that holy water!

Yes that moment may not be a single moment. It may stretch itself to a day, a week, a month, a year or even a few years, but it always comes one day to take you in its healing and invigorating embrace.

And when your heart starts feeling light again—and it will—love that person even more. Keep him or her alive in your heart and be grateful, that he or she made it possible for you to feel love’s elation, its rapture, its intoxicating beatitude—the greatest emotion you as a human being can ever experience.

Let your sorrows be your sweetest songs, like Shelley so aptly and so beautifully said,

We look before and after,
And pine for what is not;
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

As I heard these lines, I opened my eyes and the sun had already gone down. The night was waking up. The winds were still dancing around. The waves were coming and going as they were supposed to. Life was dancing on the tunes of destiny, as always.

The only one who was not there—was Her. She was gone with the sun. I smiled at her, at the ocean, at the winds, at the clouds, at myself, at life, at love and walked back to my life again—with my eyes almost dry, and a silence in my heart, the type of silence that floats over the stillness of our souls after a storm has just passed.

Blessing her one last time, I whispered to her soul that she will always remain in my heart, but only for the greatest emotions she allowed me to experience with her. I told her that I’ll be eternally grateful to her that she came into my life for however little a time, for whatever reasons.

And in the heart of my heart, I knew, that it’s not over—yet…

Story written by Abubakar Jamil.

Filed Under: Dads Health

Steady as you go

27/11/2012 By DO 1 Comment

daily routine When you are going through a separation you are obviously going to be concerned about the effect that it has on your children. Everyone’s lives have suddenly been turned upside down and everything that we are used to is changing. It can be a very unsettling time for our children, as well as you, so steady as you go, it is important that the children keep a sense of security and familiarity. Creating and maintaining routines can help to do this and also help you and your ex to find a new way of looking after your children.

Why Routines Are Good

Routines give children a sense of safety and security. Children experiencing a separation can feel like their whole lives are falling apart so the routine they have, the better. Establishing routine visitation will help them deal with the separation as will know when to expect to see you again. Maintaining the same daily routine, whether they are with their mother or you, will help ease the transition.

Daily Routine

From the moment that children are babies, establishing a daily routine is a highly beneficial. Children react well to boundaries and knowing what to expect. It can also help with their mental and physical health and sleep patterns. When your child is with you it can be tempting to score points by letting them stay up late or eat lunch in the afternoon, but it is important to maintain their normal routine.

Routine Visitation

Hopefully, you have been able to come to an agreement about visitation. This is not only a good thing for you but also for your children. They will be filled with uncertainty when you no longer live with them and it is important to make then feel as secure as possible. By establishing a regular access pattern they will know that you are still a constant part of their lives.

Discussing Routines with Your Ex

In an ideal world you would be able to have a mature, constructive conversation with your ex whenever necessary. Unfortunately, this is not always the case but you both need to work hard to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the children. Building and breaking routines should not be about control or points scoring, it is about the best interests of your children. There may be legitimate reasons why a routine needs to be changed and you should be able to openly discuss this.

Fortunately I have a good parenting relationship with my ex, If something comes up and I can’t have my child on a certain weekend then I forfeit that weekend and pick up the next one scheduled, this applies to her also. At first this was quiet confronting as it means you will miss two weekends in a row (if you are fortnightly) without swapping but in reality, it works perfectly because I can note on a calendar in pen my days and weekends for the year and they never change. If you are having trouble, consider some Mediation help to get you on the right track.

We acknowledge http://www.separateddads.co.uk/ for some of this content.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Kids Health, Separation