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Truth and Lies about the effects of Domestic Family Violence on Children

30/10/2022 By Leave a Comment

When people think of domestic and family violence, they often think of how much it hurts the adult victim. It’s true that domestic and family violence is most often violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour. But what you may not realise is that children also experience domestic violence and this affects their physical and emotional health and wellbeing. Growing up in a family where there is a perpetrator of Domestic Violence can cause serious long term mental health issues for the children of that home.

At Lifeline, Crisis Support Workers often talk to people who call up with anxiety, they are homeless, have been seeing a psychiatrist for their whole adult life, drug and have alcohol or drug addiction or both, depression, self harm, thoughts of suicide and social behavioural problems just to name a few!

Their life has been and is in crisis and there always seems to be a common threat to their background – they have grown up inside a home with Domestic Violence &/or Coercive Control towards a parent or even towards them.

Lets look at the Lies and the Truths about Domestic Family Violence…

LIES

  • It doesn’t effect the kids
  • The children will forget about it
  • The children are too young to understand what’s going on
  • Kids effected by DFV will always bounce back and get over it
  • Talking to kids about it will not help
  • Talking to kids about it will only confuse them
  • The perpetrator is good to the kids so they’ll be ok
  • So long as the children are not hit they’ll be ok
  • It won’t affect their education and development
  • It’ll teach the kids to be strong and tough
  • Life’s alway good when you are a kid
  • It’s part of our culture
  • It’s normal and acceptable
  • The violence is a way to show love

TRUTHS

  • It happens in all communities and at all levels of society
  • It can seriously harm children physically and emotionally
  • It can impact on babies and infants
  • Kids are affected even if they don’t see the violence
  • It prevents kids from feel safe
  • It can interfere with a Childs developments and education
  • It can affect a Childs relationship with other people
  • It can give kids nightmares, headaches, stomach pains and regular sickness
  • It damages a Childs self-esteem and confidence
  • Children often believe its their fault
  • It can lead to substance abuse in young people
  • Children can mirror that behaviour in their adult life
  • Talking about the problems with kids can help them
  • Effects on a child are reversible with the right help and support
  • There are services that can help children and families

Some useful Links

 

Filed Under: Children, Parenting, Relationships

Dinner conversations with Dad

11/06/2022 By Leave a Comment

Ever sat around the dinner table and wondered what questions you could ask your dad to really find out more about him?
Remember all families have been through good and bad times. There were many years before you were born that your Dad had a life probably very different to the life we all have today. Find out, you might be pleasantly suprised.

Experience, Knowledge and History

Through it all there is a wealth of experience, knowledge and history that can be explored with pre-thought crafted questions to get the conversation started. Good questions can be fun and they can also help create bonds and show that there is something larger that themselves.

Below are questions that could be written/printed onto cards and taken to your next family dinner, or even on your next zoom call if you don’t catch up for dinners? Its a good idea to pre-warn your dad so that they can weave their answers to demonstrate that they have travelled a road that has had pebbles and rocks but in the end it worked out through good decision making to show the younger generation listening that you have resilience and come through it well or at least ok.

Table Questions:

  1. How many houses have you lived in over you life so far?
  2. What do you remember about those houses you lived in as a child? Which one did you like the best and why?
  3. How did you cope without internet? What do you love about having internet today?
  4. Has there been a family member who has been a good life coach? and why?
  5. What was your favourite book, TV show, Movie when you were my age?
  6. Tell me about a family reunion or family party that you remember attending when you were a child?
  7. Was there a favourite story that your grandfather or grandmother told you as a child? Tell us
  8. What was the most embarrassing thing that your mum or Dad did to you?
  9. What were the best memories you had as a child on holidays?
  10. Did you parents ever loose their jobs? What happened? How did they start over?
  11. What did your grandparents do with you that you loved?
  12. How are you different than your parents? What did they do that you didn’t enjoy?
  13. If you could go back to a period of time in your childhood, when would that be?
  14. How did you parents change after they retired?
  15. If there was anything you could know about our family history or a relative that has died? what would you want to know?
  16. What was the hardest thing you went through as a child and how died you cope with it?
  17. Which family relative did you like the most and why?
  18. Has anything ever happened in the family that took a while to come to terms with?
  19. What career job would you have liked to do but never did?
  20. What hobbies did you have as a child? Which one did you out more time into?
  21. What Primary and Secondary schools did you go to? When did you finish school and why?

Making dinner party memories is easier than you thought, try some more questions here: 40 more dinner table questions

If you’re still lucky enough to have your Grandfather or Grandmother in your life, the answers to their question may be very different to those of your Dads.

Why don’t you write them out onto cards and bring them along to your next dinner and learn a little more about your dad or grandad? Share your experience below, we would love to hear how it went. Did you learn something you never knew? Something insightful or suprising?

Filed Under: Activities, Daughters, General posts & comments, Relationships, Sons

Are you All in or do you Chip in

04/09/2021 By Leave a Comment

30 years ago it was common place in a heterosexual relationship for the female to do all the housework, cooking and parenting of the children. The male was responsible for earning money and mowing the lawns.

Often the male also took on the role of disciplinarian and that is why many baby-boomer men lacked connection to their fathers and even resented them.

Things have changed “thankfully” it’s no longer about what is the male or female role, it’s about partnership and working together so each person equally shares the load for running the family.

Listening to many mums, they still feel the inequality of parenting and household duties and in some cases are over-whelmed by it, causing tension within the relationship.

Some dads say they are busy working, sometimes travelling away and they think that chipping in is ok?  I’m always amazed and feel sorry for these dads as they don’t realise how much they miss out on.  Are these dads tired, lazy or do they have their fathers’ DNA engrained in them? probably a bit of all it?  I think could be a learned habit from their upbringing!

I remember my partner said to me once “Show me a man that is ‘All In’ around the house and I’ll show you a man that is having sex…an interesting thought 😊 is it true guys?

When I was a single dad and sharing responsibility of my daughter 50/50, I experienced first hand everything required to run a functional home.  I combined work and nurtured all the needs of my child all at the same time, it’s not easy but the benefits out-way the hard work.  It’s constant, often starting as soon as the kids open their eyes (and sometimes before).

Being organised, having a system and routine helps to reduce the stress in running a functional home.  The less you have to think about when and what needs doing the easier it will be to juggle kids, home and work.  No one succeeds if you don’t give it your best effort, make it something that you want to master.  Master the shopping, master the cooking, master the cleaning, master the nurturing of your child.  It can be all done with little stress if you give into it and never be wishing you were somewhere else or out with your mates.

Having a partner and sharing the household jobs and parenting is much easier than having to do it all by yourself.  Don’t make your partner feel like a single parent. Be an ‘All In’ dad and make life great for all of you.  The rewards are fantastic and you will have a much happier relationship and family life will be more relaxing.

Relationship benefits from being an All In dad.

  • love
  • more sex
  • more fun
  • feel valued
  • productive
  • reduced stress
  • less arguments
  • higher self esteem
  • a sense of purpose
  • emotional support
  • feeling appreciated
  • time with each other
  • time for your hobbies
  • better communication
  • better shared experiences
  • feeling confident and secure
  • become a better version of yourself
  • Feel part of the whole family and something bigger

How many Dads are All In or do you Chip In – answer the quiz below…

Filed Under: Dads Health, Daughters, Relationships, Separation, Sons, Work life balance

Divorced dads take on choosing a life partner

02/02/2021 By 4 Comments

Have you ever wondered if you have chosen the right partner? There are some telltale signs that can be quite subtle and will become more evident as time goes on.

Im not a relationship expert, but from relationship breakdown experience I can tell you what to look out for so you can get the out with little consequence. I should have also listened to my gut feelings earlier. We all need someone with similar interests, things to do together. You know, long walks, game of squash, swim at the beach, book reading, online business project, hiking, movies, going to the gym, sex, similar social expectations, save money, doing nothing, sitting on the couch for a whole day watching Netflix episodes, picnic in the park or whatever other things you like to do together, and there needs to be many. Its these things and more that you need to be on the same page with. But there is more…

The passion you have for your career and what you are responsible for at work?


Like, do you need to be contactable on the weekend or after hours? If so, surely you don’t want grief from your partner if you have to take a call on the weekend to sort out a crisis at work? If they don’t get that, you’re in trouble already.

Just little things like that can dissolve a marriage. Much of your happiness together is based around an easy go lucky nature towards each other and very little complaining from both of you. Aligning to similar values and the things you would like in life. Have you discussed children? Do you both want children? That can be a biggie. Don’t forget when children arrive, most people need to put their relationship on hold for 10 years and be supportive friends. You need to allow each other space and to be free from criticism. If you are both trustworthy and put each others best interest top of mind, there isn’t any reason things should go bad so long as you remember the bigger plan.

You’ve heard the saying, “It is a two way street” (It really is) and both parties need to be kind and flexible with each other, if you are judgemental, grumpy or demanding, how do you want your partner to respond to that behaviour? Any partner with self preservation will not appreciate being treated like that, cracks will appear and you’ll have a relationship breakdown in the making.

There are some people that bring out the worst in us, probably because you are fighting for survival or you have an imbalance in your relationship i.e. someone feels they have the raw end of the stick or have the short straw?

At the end of the day, you need to choose a life partner carefully and listen to your gut and intuition and take your time. Things are all wonderful in the early days, so give it a lot of time, it will be worth the wait.

We would like to hear your thoughts and what has worked for you, write them in the comments below for other to read and learn.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships, Separation

The Do’s and Don’ts of managing the time your child has with you.

07/01/2021 By Leave a Comment

Not living with your child everyday can make some Dads very protective, even jealous of time with your children. While many people would think this is a normal emotion it also highlights a need to look at things differently so that your protectiveness does not effect your children or your relationship with them.

It’s not about the time you have with your child. Rather, it’s the time your child has with you.

As children get older, they take on more and more external activities such as sport, friends and school activities etc and these activities can start to get in the way of your time. The feelings your experiencing are normal. But remember they are normal growing and developments pains. Understanding this and being accepting and flexible will only benefit you and your child’s growth and development.

If you are selfishly protective of your time with your children, if you believe that they would prefer to spend time on their own personal activities or with their friends rather than you, or if you complain and whinge, and think that their mother promotes this over spending time with you then you are gravely mistaken. Making your kids feel guilty about not spending their “allocated” time with you will only distance yourself from them and never achieve a normal relationship with your kids.

The best thing you can do is to show everyone including your children that their best interests are your top priority by displaying flexibility, understanding and maturity. You will gain major points with your kids if you approach it in this way.

DO’s

  • Support and encourage your child’s healthy activities.
  • Provide financial, emotional and moral support.
  • Always offer transportation and logistical support even if its not on your time or if its not the activity you would have chosen.
  • Promote practise time of all activities when they are with you.
  • Let your child go to sleep-overs or visit their friends even when its on your time.
  • Promote your child to have friends sleep-over at your place, this will help keep the normalicy around your home.
  • Get involved if possible with their sport and be a volunteer at the club.

Don’ts

  • Deny your child good things to get involved in such as healthy activities, promote these activities always.
  • Be upset that these activities get in the way of your time with them. Instead where possible get involved in their activities (in a non intrusive manner).
  • Ask your ex for “make-up” time for the time you have missed because of these other activities. Being a Dad and sacrificing time is normal and it is a growing experience for you as well as them.
  • Make your child feel guilty or sad “EVER” for the time that they miss with you. Your child’s healthy active activity is far better than being forced to stay at home.

If you do this right, I can’t stress how much this will benefit you. It will assist in your Children’s adjustment and development, they’ll have a positive attitude towards you, request more time with you, and your relationship with them will be more normal.

Share your experiences as a separated parent and be part of the conversation, it can benefit many dads going through separation.

Note: Some phrases and points I have used from a good read called: Wednesday Evenings and Every other Weekend.

Filed Under: Activities, Children, Fathering, Relationships, Separation

Activities for all age groups

10/04/2020 By Leave a Comment

Hey Dads, whether you have a 5 year old or teenagers living with you, I thought it might be helpful sharing different types of activities the kids can do during Covid-19 lock-down or simply over school holidays.

  1. Toddlers: Allocate jobs, if you have a “smart” TV, jump on youtube and search for kids dancing lessons, there are plenty of use educational videos to keep them entertained and active when indoors by having jumping, skipping or dancing sessions – it will tire them out and give you a bit of a workout too;
  2. 4-6 year olds: Making dens and forts, colouring in/creating worlds for their toys, help with meals, small job around the house (chores), read books, making arts & crafts and leggo!
  3. 7-9 year olds: Set treasure hunts, get crafty, reading books, pocket money chores around the house.
  4. 10-12 years olds: Arts and craft activities, learn how to cook, set educational challenges, colouring in, Pocket money chores around the house, watch educational TV or YouTube and set study tasks for the kids to create as book or summary of what they have just learnt.
  5. Teenagers: Allocate jobs (either paid or paid) i.e. cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, their room, wash the cars, bake a cake or some treats , suggest projects, order some adult colouring books or free pages online, make plans – possible career choices, future holidays and design a dream board with all their thoughts and ideas.

If you and your children are proud of what they’ve accomplishing, send me a picture of what they’ve done and I promote it in a future post. Happy time off everyone and don’t forget t be patient and nice with everyone.

Filed Under: Activities, Adelaide, Brisbane, Fathering, Hobart, Kids Activities, Melbourne, Perth, Sydney

My family tree activity

30/03/2020 By Leave a Comment
Author & Illustrator: Odette.

Looking for a great learning activity that the kids can do at home, that’s also fun! All you need is a large sheet of paper or cardboard, some colouring pencils, a ruler and a little creative mind.

A family member in the UK who is a principle of 3 schools gave us this idea and shared the link to some great kids projects Click here for the schools activity link All the primary age children in her 3 schools were doing these whilst locked down at home because of Coronavirus.

The family tree project aims to provide opportunities for your child to gain a better understanding of their own family. Learning may focus on what differences makeup your families, what traditions your family has, stories linked to your family etc.

Here’s how it works:
Can your child name all the people in their family and write sentences about them? Turn the paper into a booklet, each family member great a portion (section) of the page and a unique story written about them with a nice drawing, for example; Who are they? What do they call them? What do they like? Why are they special to them?

Send me a photo of your child’s work, a little story about them and I will post it on line with credit to them.

Filed Under: Activities, Adelaide, Brisbane, Children, Hobart, Kids Activities, Melbourne, Perth, Sydney

Celebrating all Dads this Christmas: Finding the best present that fits their interests

13/12/2019 By Leave a Comment

Looking for the perfect gift for the guy who has it all? Dads have various hobbies and personalities, but according to the statitsa Global Consumer Survey, your average Australian adult can have an affinity for one of three major interest niches: sports, cooking, and traveling. In the same way that dads have different parenting styles, even their interests may vary. Now that Christmastime is here, let’s explore some gift ideas for dads who fall into one or more of these interest categories.  

For The Sports-Minded Dad 

The sporty Dad can be both spectator and active participant, but whichever he may be, he will appreciate souvenirs from his favorite team. A jersey from his favorite team would be a good gift to give, if he doesn’t own one already. A personalised team jersey with his name emblazoned on it would be even better. As for signed memorabilia and other hard-to-reach items, you can find the best deals by ebay online shopping with Qantas. If this particular dad is heavy on the “active participation” part, gift him things that would facilitate his need for athletics. These include new trainers, sports socks, and other sports gear that would make his gameplay more enjoyable. Make sure to pay attention to his passing remarks at the dinner table as well. If dad had mentioned that he’d have liked to try golf, he’ll definitely be surprised with a brand new golf set.

For Dads With A Culinary Interest

Dads who enjoy cooking often love to incorporate new ingredients into their concoctions and use new cooking tools to make them. That would make things like DIY sauce kits, new pots, pans, and utensils great options for Christmas gifts. There’s always room for novelty with an interest such as cooking, too. This means that Chef Dad ought to get a kick out of learning how to make new dishes with some interesting cookbooks or a high-tech grilling device. Cooking can be a costly hobby, however, especially when their favorite ingredients are out of season. Aside from a home-cooked Christmas feast, dad might even show his appreciation for his star patron by cooking a supersized batch of their favorite Christmas dish. 

For Dads Who Travel

Whether they travel for work or pleasure, the travelling Dad might often spend their time searching for comfort when out on the road. A simple, yet thoughtful gift would be to upgrade this flight tickets, or new travel gear to make his journeys a trifle easier. Things like travel grooming kits, mobile media devices, power banks, or even backpack coolers and ergonomic suitcases would all make his trips away from home more comfortable. 

Dads, like any individual, come with their own unique preferences no matter what category of parenting involvement they fall into. When picking out gifts for dads, it is important to remember that the best gifts are those that meet their personal goals and interests, with nothing but the best intentions at heart.

Filed Under: Celebrations, Dads Health, Lifestyle, Some Fun

Winners in separation?

02/12/2019 By Leave a Comment

Winners in separation? Dads Online speak with family lawyer, Daniel Dalli of Aston Legal Group about whether there are any winners when it comes to separation. These series of podcasts focusing on separation and divorce can equip you, in making better decisions about your family matters.

Remember if are feeling overwhelmed with sadness or grief, or need someone to talk to, there are organisations that can help. Call Mensline (www.mensline.org.au) on 1300 789 978 or Lifeline (www.lifeline.org.au) on 13 11 14. If you need family law assistance from a lawyer, feel free to contact Daniel Dalli, Partner of Aston Legal Group (www.astonlegalgroup.com.au) on either 0423 729 686 or email at daniel@astonlegalgroup.com.au.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships, Separation

Its normal to grieve the loss of a relationship

31/08/2019 By Leave a Comment

Don’t be too hard on yourself, Separation and divorce can be the toughest road you will ever go down.

You will feel a range of experiences going through this, from the initial realization that separation will happen through to getting your emotions, finances and co-parenting arrangements sorted out. Whilst somethings can get sorted fairly quickly, emotions can take years to mend. Some of these emotions are:

  • Frustration
  • Anger
  • Confusion
  • Relief
  • Sadness
  • Loneliness
  • Lost
  • Anxiety
  • Embarrassed
  • Guilt
  • Shame

I’m sure you could add to this list but one thing to remember is that: You have survived 100% of your worst days, and you will continue to do so because there is light at the end of this tunnel. Mostly all men go onto live happy fulfilled lives once the dust settles.

If you are going through separation or divorce and find it overwhelming or you’re upset and need someone to talk to, there is help out there. Never feel you need to go it alone, call one of these two organisations as they are set up perfectly to help you talk though your crisis, worries or concerns and discuss ideas about what steps you could take to help you get to a better place.

  • Mens Line 1300789978
  • Lifeline 131114

There are many reasons why you could feel very emotional throughout these times, things such as:

  • You and your ex partner are not agreeing
  • Loss of friends and social life
  • Loss of the family home
  • Loss of having your children every day
  • Your identity as a husband and dad
  • Finances become very tight
  • You become time poor

Being time poor is one of the practical issues you might face? Suddenly you are not sharing the household chores anymore, organizing the children, the shopping, cleaning, preparing food all becomes tasks you must do on your own. All these things can make you feel overwhelmed.

There are highs that you’ll experience too, when you set up your place there will be a feeling of independence, your own space and its all yours.
Everyone is different, they handle stress and change in different ways. Think about what works for you? Maybe its concentrating on work for a while, its one area you do want to make work! You can also focus on your health and get into great shape or keep a notepad and write down your dreams and future goals and make getting back on track you project.

Be patient, nothing gets fixed or sorted out over night or even in a month. Just know that sometimes things take a long time to get back on track. Stay off the booze, gambling, drugs and people that don’t support or help you to get to a better place.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Lifestyle, Separation

What do daughters want from their dads?

25/07/2019 By 1 Comment

Have you (dad) ever thought you’d like to change the ways things are? You know it’s never too late! We can go through life knowing that things could be different but for some reason we don’t say “yes” to change.

Maybe its because saying yes can cause embarrassment, awkwardness or highlight the fact that you were wrong?
If you haven’t been spending time with your daughter because life has got busy or they’ve become teenagers and are more independent, or they have grown into a women and your feel you cant hug, cuddle and wrestle with them like you used too, or even you feel they’re getting older now and you’ve become less important in their life? You are so wrong!

Dads, nothing has changed, they still and always will want your Attention, Affection and Affirmation.

Its super important that you always stay connected or reconnect for both of you. Your daughter wants you to acknowledge they’re maturing and growing up. If your daughter is going through her teenage years, she wants you around to help her navigate those important years whilst your continuing to build on the connection you have always had.

Its been very well documents over the years from researchers, physiologists and experts that fathers play a key role in their daughter development. Some of those things that dads provide daughters are:

– Build their confidence
– Convincing them they can do anything
– Have a voice and be counted (on any topic)
– Encouraging improvement through learning
– Role model on equality
– Make them feel secure
– A male perspective on things
– Strength and gentleness at the same time

Daughters WANT their dads to be a part of their lives even if sometimes they don’t show it. There was a study done where daughters were asked what could dads do to improve their relationship and how their dad could help them. They said…

– Be there more
– Put the phone away and don’t just focus on the solution
– When you’re home be mentally present
– Focus on me when I’m talking to you and be genuinely interested
– Spend more time with me
– More time talking together
– Eat dinner with us more often
– Spend more time with us and less time working
– Hangout with me
– Play with me
– Go camping with me
– Do activities with me
– Support me more by doing more things with me
– Go for a walk with me
– Be available on weekend s to play cards or puzzles or board games
– Take me places we would both like
– Maybe we could do the Kokoda trail together
– Go away somewhere special for the weekend just the two of us

Everything the daughters requested boiled down to dads spending more time with them. Your girls may not ask you for more time, with the fear that you might say no, or they feel your too busy? So be proactive and nurture your relationship with your daughter, create memories that build the bonds that can last a lifetime.

Some ideas and narrative have come from Madonna King, Author of the book – Fathers and Daughters. I would also like to acknowledge Darren Lewis from Fathering Adventures for his inspiration, education and knowledge on how to thrive in your relationships and not just survive with your children.

Filed Under: Daughters, Relationships

Doing nothing does harm

09/04/2019 By Leave a Comment

How many of us would have the courage to take action if we saw violence towards females (verbal or physical), gender discrimination, sexual harassment or disrespectful comments?

My wish is that everyone would be brave enough to do something. The whole notion of helping someone that is being abused does not mean that you need to put yourself in harms way. You can use “secondary prevention” i.e. you can be someone who challenges that behaviour by offering assistance in the following ways:

1. Defusing the situation by: a disapproving look (non-verbal) or a light hearted comment to the perpetrator
2. Talking to the victim: when you get a chance ask them are they ok? What do they need? Do they want to make a complaint?
3. Calling out the behaviour: if your personal safety is not at risk you could call it out i.e. ” Hey, its inappropriate to be speaking to her in that tone” or “its never ok to tell jokes like that, they are disrespectful and degrading”.
4. Report it: you can call police 000, notify HR or tell a supervisor.

Dads, it’s never ok to standby and watch abuse in any form, whether it be to males or females. The term that some professional groups are using is – Be an active bystander. We can play a lead role in setting a standard of behaviour both as a role model to our growing children and also to not settle or condone bad behaviour to women or anyone.

Dads we are very likely to listen to other dads, so next time you’re talking to another dad, discuss how you would respond if you were a bystander to any bad behaviour and make a pledge…

“When X happens, I will do Y. (one of the 4 steps mentioned above)


Filed Under: Relationships