Can Richie be a good step dad?

24/09/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

In short, yes and no?

I hope Richie realises the importance of the decision he has made.

It has been all glitz and glamour for the Bachelor and lets face it, its not real world!

It’s pretty easy to fall in love when you have 22 women literally throwing them-self at you and you are the center of attention. Locked away in a fairyland environment with a mansion, champagne, chefs and housekeepers, Ferrari drives through the countryside, day spa treatments, Learjet dates to exotic locations, picnics in the gardens of a beautiful homestead, Motorcycle and Helicopter dates in settings designed by an interior decorator – OMG!

You have to wonder what happens when you get home and the dishwasher needs emptying, the floor needs to be swept, dinner needs to be cooked and you have a 5 year old crying that wont sleep at 2am and you have to be at work at 8am for a meeting with you boss? Hellloooo real world… and this is the true test.
Real people will come out, they will not be masked by lavish, exciting and extravagant planned single and group dates that only James Packer can afford.

Meet “Richie” an offshore Rigger from Perth and “Alex” an Events Manager from Melbourne – both real people.

It’s Richie from Perth that we are most interested in and how will he step up to be a good step dad? The decision to be Alex’s partner is a big one and not to be taken lightly, its a commitment not only to Alex but to her son Elijah too.

Being a step dad is similar to being a biological dad, Richie will suddenly have a child, Elijah is not a baby and Richie has not had the time to grow up with him and get used to fatherhood and what it takes. I’m not sure where Elijah’s biological father is, I hope he is around and is in Elijah life. Richie will be Alex’s partner and by default will be Elijah’s step dad which comes with responsibilities.

Richie will be a good step dad is he takes on board the following tips:

Spending time on the activities that Elijah likes such as football, swimming, homework etc the more time Richie devotes to Elijah the quicker he will accept Richie into his life and take the role of a step dad.
Richie likes camping and surf fishing, he will want to involve Elijah on all of those activities, not only does it connect them but lets face it, it will give Alex a break from time to time whilst the boys bond.
Communication is important and it will be great if Richie is open and honest with Elijah, he will need to listen to Elijah non-judgmentally, particularly if Elijah is the one instigating the chat.
Always be a good listener and never get upset or yell if Elijah does something to upset you.
NEVER discuss negative opinions of Elijah father in front of him or with anyone else, it’s not your business or area to discuss. Each father has their own parenting style that their kids have adopted. Unless his father is abusive, keep your opinions to your self! And if the father is in Elijah life, respect and support the relationship in a completely positive way.
Everyone needs love and attention and someone who is interested in them. Be that person, show open affection and be the guy who hugs Elijah and is there for him whenever he needs you. If Elijah needs to cry, have your shoulder ready with a cuddle and give him the “time” he deserves.
Alex is the lead parent and her wishes on parenting take priority over your beliefs, So get on board with how Alex likes Elijah parented and support her. Things like, bedtimes, homework routines, cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom, putting their dishes in the dishwasher.
After a while Richie will feel comfortable in the role as a step dad and start to take things a normal. For the rest of Elijah life Richie will need to check in with Alex on big decisions for him, Richie should not be making big decisions for Elijah without first running it past Alex. Things like, booking a holiday just for the boys, Buying him a play-station with shoot-em up war games, buying him a motorcycle when he is 18, taking him parachuting or taking Elijah on any dangerous adventures.
Alex is a mother and cannot always spend time with you alone, when you feel like it. There will be times when Alex will need to spend time with Elijah when you would prefer she was spending time with you “Welcome to the real work of parenting”. Yes it sucks sometimes but its reality!
Be a great example to Elijah, show him how to be a good person like volunteering for people not as well off as yourself. Show him generosity, how to save, how you treat girls/Alex, how you put your family first, how you respect the elderly, how to have a healthy lifestyle with no smoking, no excessive drinking and show him love.
Being a step dad comes with the responsibility of helping to bring up a child, its a leadership role, Elijah will need to understand boundaries, respect and manners. There will be conflict at some point, just be yourself and have patience, empathy and love through the troubled times.
Be yourself without the show, kids like honest and real people who are dedicated to the cause. Kids always like to be told that you love them, when you can, tell him often.

Its going to be a different scene from the ones you have played out over the last couple of months. Don’t think about being a good step dad, just treat him as if he was your own and if you love Alex that much, you can love her child the same.

Best wishes for a happy future together.

Filed Under: Fathering, Parenting

Since when are Dads not apart of a safety network?

23/06/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Thanks to one of our active Dads that came across this poster and instantly felt uncomfortable with the underlying message being told to children. It was sent home with the kids from their school in Melbourne. The children were being taught “body safety” (great initiative) that if they feel uncomfortable, frightened, scared or nervous about a situation they have been put in, then talk to a person who is in their safety network? See the hand with 5 fingers and guess who is missing??

Shame on you principle for not ensuring part of the safety network included Dads i.e. Mum and Dad or simply parents.

Filed Under: Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting

It’s a fact that everyone loves babies that is as long as it’s not theirs.

18/06/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Babies may look like little bundles of happiness but that’s as long as they don’t throw a tantrum or wake you up in the middle of the night every day, testing your patience to the very limits. Here we have noted down some of the pros and cons of having a baby which you can read to realize how big of a deal having a baby really is!

The Pros

You can leave behind a legacy

Probably the best benefit of a baby is that you have someone to carry on your legacy. For most families having a baby is assuring a legacy and taking part in shaping how the next generation is going to be like. Raising a child watching it grow and become a contributing member of society because of the morals and values that you’ve taught makes any parent them happier than they can imagine. But at the same time if you can’t be certain what kind of individual the child will grow up to be and whether you can provide the right guidance for raising a child.

It strengthens family relations—In some cases

For most couples a baby is the embodiment of their love they have for each other. It strengthens their bond as husband and wife as well as bringing the whole family closer. But keep in mind having a baby doesn’t make everything magically “ok”. If you feel like your marriage has already lost its spark having a baby can pretty much make the entire situation worse than before.

A baby makes your life more meaningful

Having a baby means that you have to make someone else your top priority since you no longer will be responsible for only your life or your spouses. A baby is the most fragile being which needs the undivided attention of both partners. The role of a parent starts but never ends even 20 or 30 years down the line. Becoming a parent can also enable you to change yourself for the better, give you the motivation to overcome negative aspects of your personality and enhance the positive ones.

The Cons

It costs more than you can imagine

A major aspect of having a baby is providing for it. Most couples decide on having kids without thinking of the financial responsibility they entail. Raising a kid can cost some serious money and the need of more money only rises as the child grows older. Just by imagining the cost of a single roller or crib you can begin to realize how much it will actually cost you and whether you can efficiently provide that kind of money!

You have no time for yourself

After or before having a baby the entirety of your time will be spent on taking care of it. A baby will cry it’s lungs out to get your attention, not just once but frequently throughout the day. Since a child is so fragile it will require your constant attention, leaving absolutely no time for you to spend on yourself or hobbies.

The chances are after having a baby you won’t be able to have a decent bat or fancy meal for a while because as soon as you leave their side, the baby will start crying forcing you to come back to it. Things only get more hectic when they learn how to talk and walk. This is the point where they start asking a lot of questions doing the most stupid things imaginable, thus requiring even more of your time.

Say goodbye to your current relationship

Parenting is a full-time job that you have to do for the rest of your life. Juggling your job as a parent with your actual job as well as meeting the family’s needs will not just tire you out but can cause you to lose the small amount of time you had to socialize with friends and family! Most couples even reach a point where they become strangers to each other and grow distant from one another in the presence of a child. There’s not a single doubt that raising a child can have its own benefits but that only applies as long as the parents are prepared but for those parents who are unaware and unprepared for the challenges of being a parent having a baby will lead to major distress and confusion and sometime the couples might even have fallout!

The Bottom Line

After all the glam and honeymoon most couples find themselves in a state of stagnation. Some couples decide to have a baby to reignite the flames of passion for their marriage and some remain childless and cherish what they have. But there’s no denying that inexperienced and unprepared parents do a lot more harm than good by having a baby! They need to thoroughly consider what having a baby means the commitment required and how they need to raise it.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Fathering

Want your house to smell amazing?

03/05/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Who has sweaty gym gear hanging around waiting to be washed, work boots, shoes, school bags, dogs, cats, rabbits, last nights stale food, yesterday beer smells, smelly drain or all of the above, then this video is for you… Its a good project to get the kids involved in. Let us know if you have another idea or if this worked for you? it did for us 🙂

Filed Under: Children, Fathering, Kids Activities

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship

09/04/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Everybody experiences interpersonal relationship issues throughout their lives and there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship.

We have relationships with many different people i.e. partner, children, brothers, sisters, parents, work colleagues, team members, shop owners, relatives, friends of friends, neighbours, teachers etc etc

Having difficulties and some conflict in any relationship is normal. The development of any meaningful relationship takes time and effort from all parties. Throughout the course of people’s lives, relationships play an integral role in defining who people are both to themselves and to others. They are a dynamic and natural part of being human.

The trick is to know what makes a relationship work and lean on those attributes.

Things such as:

Good Communication – people react with honesty and openness
Togetherness – people like to belong, share values and morals
Shared activities – do activities together and have fun such as socialising and playing sport
Acceptance – while sharing some things, you also respect, values and understands individuality and uniqueness
Support – help, encourage, reassure and look after each other
Commitment – each others well-being is a priority for all
Resilience – you can survive adversity and bounce back
Establish routines – that support spending time together

Some great skills to work on in our relationships, developing them would have to bring positive outcomes. How are your relationships going, could you adopt a few more of the ideas above?

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering

How to maintain a work life balance

27/03/2016 By DO 1 Comment

As Dads, we all have different views when it comes to maintaining a fair and reasonable balance between our work and our private family life. A father needs to be able to ensure that he puts in enough time and work to progress in his career and keep finances strong to raise his family, however he needs time for his children, their mother and importantly himself also so that he can hold onto some sanity. So how can you find the right balance, and when do you know you’ve succeeded?

Many new dads feel that they need to work overtime, perhaps due to pressure from the boss and colleagues after taking off some well-deserved paternity leave, or from his own expectations of himself in that he needs to be earning more now that he is responsible for another life. Obviously we should prioritise our own family and social life as this reflects better on our health, whereas our employers have the option to sever the relationship with their employee – but we will always be needed by our families.

Outlined below are some tips shared by our readers who feel they have finally come to maintaining the right balance;

Prioritise work during the working hours in the week

If we aim to put in our 100% during the working hours of the week, then we will usually find that our productivity goes up in this time. A quality amount of work can be produced which will reflect well with the boss and other colleagues, and you can rest assured that work is left at the office when you come back home. This allows you to feel mentally relaxed without the pressure of work and once you are in this habit you can then learn to associate your home as your personal time with family and friends, and the office as a place solely to work.

Set aside days off

Some readers pointed out that before they had children, they would pre-plan their time off from work, however many dads have realised that they need some off days available on standby. This is because they may be unpredictable days where perhaps day care is not available, maybe their child or partner is sick and they need extra attention at home or simply they have had a sleepless night and they need time off to recharge or just have a half day so they can attend an important school event.

Dividing the week into early and late nights

If you have a partner and children, they need to spend quality time with you. Some readers stated that it works best for them to be able to finish work early some days, and on other days work late. They are flexible in their work approach yet ensure that the week has an equal balance between late nights and early nights also. Not only does this give you short targets to look forward to, you can then prioritise your work load efficiently and also give the appropriate time and energy to your loved ones.

Do extra qualifications online

Most reader said that when it came to career progressing moves, such as obtaining extra qualifications, that they did them online via massive open online courses and online universities. These degrees are valued just as much by employers providing you are still working hard at work. The major advantage of doing them online is that you can still spend time with your children at home as well as being flexible when it comes to adjusting to your partner’s schedule.

Divide and conquer kids schedules

It’s a perfectly healthy and recommended factor when it comes to raising children that you should let them attend extra-curricular activities. However if you have lots of children, of different age groups and interests then that doesn’t mean you don’t allow them to participate. The simple answer here is that you draw up a schedule that allows you to easily see who is needed when for pick and drop duties, these duties can also be shared if you have an extended family willing to help out such as grandparents or even child minders who don’t mind stepping in. Just because you’re busy at work doesn’t mean the children should be deprived of their rights to participate in new activities and socialise.

Aim to work from home one Day A Week

If possible and your company is willing to let you do this, then you could work from home for at least one day a week. This gives you the time to pick and drop your children from schools and nurseries, or have some dedicated time where you can talk to them, as well as catch up on work in a more peaceful environment on your own terms.

It is essential to maintain a healthy work and life balance as this can not only benefit your own health, your relationships but it will also benefit your career as you will be able to think more rationally and stay focused. If your children feel that you are involved and interested in their lives, they are much more likely to be feeling secure, have higher self-esteem and much fewer social and emotional problems. Having a positive relationship with your children will also positively affect your general health and outlook on life.

Sometimes it is a struggle but if you intentionally make an effort you can find a balance and once a routine sets in, life is better for everyone.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering

Getting your child into the active habit of completing their homework

14/03/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Study Buddies can get positive results

It can often be a struggle to encourage your child to complete a set amount of time of homework and revision hours weekly, as it often feels like a fight over control. You feel as a parent you should be guiding them to sit down and study whereas they feel they are now needing independence and should be able to choose when they do themselves – which many of us must have noticed does not always go as according to plan with younger children.

You may have noticed some of the ways that your children try to hold onto their control by sometimes doing their homework but not handing it in, doing it in sloppy handwriting or by just not studying carefully for their tests. In return when this happens parents feel more frustrated and push, punish, argue with their children even more to try and persuade them to complete their homework.

One of the first things you need to do is take a step back and try to guide your child instead of trying to control him/her. Children are motivated, they do want to impress you however when you show signs of anger and frustration you ultimately end up scaring them and pushing them away.

You need to ask yourself what has worked in the past, think about a time where your child has completed their homework well without any fussing or hassles. Was there something different about that situation, what could it have been that made it work? Perhaps you were sitting with your child in the same room and were available to answer their questions instead of being tuned out on your smartphone. Or maybe the TV was off and younger siblings in a different room which meant they had minimal distractions. The best way to figure this out is by speaking to your child directly – ask him/her what motivates them to work and trust their answer, go with it for a few days and see if that truly does affect his study outcome in a positive manner.

Another way to encourage your child to complete their own work is by stopping arguing with them over it every day. If they are a little older and mature then try taking a step back; let the homework stay between the teacher and the student. Once the student starts to face the repercussions of their negligence in revising and completing set work then they will have no choice but to complete their work or face further punishments from the school. Your sole job as a parent is to help your child do his job, make a better safer environment at home with less arguments and they will naturally lean towards completing their work.

If you and your child prefer when you sit with him/her to help them study and it makes you tense, then you both can take a short break. You don’t need to do thirty minutes of straight uninterrupted study session; no one is watching or grading your child for this. What matters is the quality of the work they complete and how well they learn the topic at hand.

One of the most effective ways to improve your child’s learning and routine is by setting necessary structures in place. It has been scientifically proven that when you do the same type of task at the same time and place regularly you will learn and memorise more than if your surroundings and task were to keep changing. Make a public area of your home such as the living or dining room a study area for your child so that you can also keep an eye on them and they can easily reach you if they need assistance, and keep the bedroom as a place of rest at the end of a busy day so they don’t feel stressed at night. Another effective technique many parents have found is that when grades are falling, minus the screen time such as TV, Game Consoles and smartphones so that your child can concentrate more on his work and understands they can then do the leisure activity of their choice as a reward once their work or target has been met. You should also make your child understand that weekend activities and meeting up with friends will only occur once homework and other priority tasks have been completed. These methods will definitely assist your child in making better decisions and improving their time management skills.

As a parent we need to understand that we are the first role models to our children’s eyes. Don’t over focus on what you think is best for your child, take a step back and think about what your own personal life goals are and what ‘revision’ you need to get done to achieve these goals. By modelling your own persistence and perseverance to achieve your own goals you are setting an excellent and inspirational example to your child also.

If your child is a little older, perhaps have exams coming up, then the idea of inviting over a study buddy can also give a positive outcome. This is simply where another friend of theirs who is in the same class studying for the same topic can come over and study with your child. This method allows for you to also supervise from a distance and give your child some companionship on their level, they can discuss together what they have been taught and their answers on the questions set by their teacher.

Once you can get yourself and your child in these healthy habits you will be sure to notice a positive change in their attitude and method towards work. Improving their time management, making them feel secure and comfortable in their own home and being available to assist and answer their concerns will undoubtedly turn them in better more structured young adults.

Filed Under: Children, Fathering, Home work

Why it is important to know your children’s friends

21/02/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

One of the best possible ways to influence healthy friendships for your child is to be aware of and involved in them. There is a fine line between being involved and being nosy, you need to make sure not to overstep those boundaries and make your child feel as if their privacy is being disturbed. One of the best good parenting tips is to maintain a positive presence and protective shadow in your child’s life and in their relationships. You should aim to keep an eye on these relations to ensure that these friendships, which are so fragile at a young age stay positive and healthy.

Not only this but by maintaining a positive role model image in front of them by only allowing healthy and positive friendships for yourself also, introduce your child to your friends and show them the importance of you both being involved (to a certain extent) in each other’s relations and being aware of who is who.

One of the easiest ways to do this is to open your home to your child’s friends. Let them feel comfortable in coming over and hanging out with your adult supervision in the background, this way you know what they are up to and it is an excellent way to get to know these new friends. When they are relaxed and in the mood to talk, you can get to know more about them.

However be sure to note your child’s reaction when you are talking to their friends, some children may feel comfortable and happy that you are taking an interest in their lives and friendships however some kids may not be too happy if you are being over friendly and taking the attention away from them. Stay friendly but don’t overdo it and intrude on their time together too much that your child’s guests or your child themself feels uncomfortable. It is important to note that when you take an interest in your child’s friendships, you are portraying a healthy message to your child that their friendships are important to you also.

It is important that you learn the names of your child’s friends, this way you will be able to keep up with all the stories your child has to share with you about their adventures. Not only this, but once you get to know their names and a little more about them, you can list their contact details and their parents contact information in your family address book.

Whenever possible, at school gates or when dropping kids off at each other’s houses, try to get to know the parents of your child’s friends also. By working with their parents you can ensure that your children’s friendships remain positive for all and you will most likely find that you both share the same concerns and values. This is a great way for you to also meet new people and increase your social life!

By getting to know other parents, this is an excellent route to face and possibly fix any issues your child may be having at school. Such as difficulties with a particular subject, if you find both your kids are having a difficult time you could arrange for them to be tutored together of if there are more serious issues then you can both speak to a teacher to express your concerns.

If your child’s school is hosting an event, try taking the time out to attend or stay a little longer when you go to drop your child off. Ask them to introduce you to their friends and ask questions; get to know them better so you can get a better impression of who they are.

Although some children who feel they are growing up may want to spend more time with their friends and less with family, you can change their mind by inviting their friends along too on your family getaways. You can get to know their friends and your child will be more than happy to spend time with you also.

However if you have younger children who are more fond of going to the park or having sleepovers, allow them do so or arrange fun events and get-togethers for them where you can supervise. You’ll find you’ll be having just as much fun as they are once you help arrange games and movies for them.

When it comes to birthday parties you can arrange fun surprise parties for them by inviting all their class members, this is a great way to help your child’s confidence also and help them make more new friends.

If you ever see your child’s friends out and about, try to go out of your way to give them a quick greeting. Many teenagers will actually appreciate seeing a familiar friendly face, especially if they are working somewhere.

Your child is safer if you know where they are, who they are with and if you befriend the parents of your child’s friends too, they can also keep an eye out and make sure your child is not overstepping any boundaries you have set for them. Some teens can be prone to making mistakes such as participating in drugs or taking up the company of unsuitable company, so by keeping an eye on this aspect of your child’s life you can help them make the right decisions and guide them in the right direction. Not just your own child, but of any other younger children that you befriend, who perhaps feel less comfortable talking to their own parents openly about any pressing issues.

Filed Under: Fathering, Parenting, Relationships

How to secure your relationship during the parenting years

17/01/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

Have you thought about your transition from Partner to Parent? Everybody will win if you get it right – YOU, your partner and the children. Lets not forget it costs way less to live together as a family than to live separately.

It’s so important to secure your relationship during the parenting years and be aware that relationships can decline once the children arrive. Its not only the parents that suffer but the children can be effected emotionally and academically too. Don’t worry, it’s not inevitable for all couples but you must enter parenthood with your eyes open, understand and accept that your life will never again be how you knew it.

There has been studies conducted on this topic to find out what couples are doing right and what couples are they doing wrong?

Couples were monitored from prepregnacy to when the children were in preschool, the findings were very interesting…

92% of the couples in the study described a gradual increase in conflict after having their baby. By the time their babies were 18 months old, almost one in four couples indicated that their marriage was in distress. This does not include the 13% who already had announced separations and divorces.

One stage is not harder on relationships than another. There is a cumulative erosion of satisfaction over time. Parents of school-age children experience less depression and personal stress than they did when their kids were babies, marital satisfaction continues its steady decline for most couples.

So how does a couple remain happy?

The key to marital satisfaction lies in how couples manage the decision-making process. It’s not whether the couples have problems, because every couple does. When babies come along, there are a lot more issues and differences of opinion to negotiate, and a couple’s ability to do so with cooperation and respect can make or break the marriage.

It’s also important for partners to hear each others outbursts without immediately firing back or engaging in blame. The person who said or did something thoughtless needs to make amends later. Saying, “I made that comment out of anger. I really didn’t mean it,” goes a long way toward repairing a relationship.

They also put some expectant couples in groups with trained leaders and found years later that their satisfaction did not decline.

Many people take prenatal classes, learning how to breathe during childbirth, but few give much thought to what the next 20 years are going to be like. Couples in our study joined the groups when the wives were seven months pregnant and met weekly until the babies were 3 months old.

The group helped them start thinking concretely about what life with the baby would be like and enabled them to talk about their ideas, worries, and confusion before and after the birth. Six years later, the couples who remained married and had been in these groups were far more satisfied with their relationships.

So what do couples fight about?

New parents say it’s the division of labor, the who-does-what in the family.

When children become school-age, the issues of money and spending time together then become the things they fight about.

And what about sex?

Sex is a good temperature check of how the rest of the relationship is going. If you feel hurt or misunderstood, or you and your wife are struggling over but not resolving issues, that affects how attracted, nurturing, and ready to have sex you’ll be.

The frequency of lovemaking declines during the early months of parenthood when mothers especially are exhausted, but we find that most couples’ sex lives rebound within two years. During that time, though, some partners may not initiate even snuggling or touching for fear that it will give the message that they’re ready to have sex when they aren’t. We advise couples to be perfectly clear: “I’m not sure how much energy I have tonight, but I’d love to hold you for a few minutes.” That enables them to have more intimate time together and show caring for each other.

Many new mothers talk about feeling unattractive after the birth. But while a few men find it hard to see their wives as sexual after having children, most husbands are supportive about their wives’ appearance.

What can couples do on their own to help their relationship?

Work on issues with your partner when you’re calm — not at 2 a.m., when the baby won’t sleep. Often after couples have had a fight, they’re reluctant to bring up the issue again. But if you don’t, it can linger and resentment can build.

If you argue in front of your kids, tell them later that you worked out your disagreement or show them that you did by calming yourselves down in front of them.

Make time for the relationship. You may not be able to afford a sitter or be ready to leave your baby, but you can check in with each other for at least 10 minutes every day. That can be done after you put the kids to bed or even on the phone while you’re both at work, as long as you’re sharing what happened to you that day and how it’s affecting you emotionally. The pace of life today is so frenetic that few couples do this. But marriages are capable of change, and small changes can make big differences.

Being aware of what can go wrong when changing from partner to parent and how it can be a mine field for new dads will hopefully make you acknowledge that the first few years will take patience, understanding and commitment from both partners to make it successful – don’t go in blind!

I heard when we get it right it can create happiness equate to the feeling of quadrupling your salary…says Harvard psychologist Robert Putnam. He goes on to explain…

Making a good friend is equal to tripling a salary. Belonging to a club can cause an increase in happiness equivalent to doubling a salary. And going on picnics three times a year is the same as receiving a 10 per cent raise. Lets quadruple our happiness!

Please share this post with anyone you know going into parenthood 🙂

Credit for this research study goes to Philip Cowan, Ph.D., professor of psychology and director of the Institute of Human Development at the University of California and his wife Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D. Professor of psychology.

Filed Under: Lifestyle, New Dad, Relationships

Become great at parenting

11/01/2016 By DO Leave a Comment

I remember when I first separated, I didn’t have all the parenting skills needed to be a great parent. I felt I needed to put some time and focus into learning a few things. I also had the issues of a busy career which became in someways second place to my new role as a parent.

If I wanted to become great at parenting, something has to give.

I definitely valued and appreciated my career and what it provided. Don’t get me wrong I kept doing a good job at work but shifted my drive from climbing the corporate ladder to climbing the parenting ladder. There were some nights that I was free so I stayed back at work to keep on top of things, but I needed to get out of work at 5pm a couple of nights a week and start at 9am instead of 8-8.30am. I was able to do this by having an understanding company and boss. I also needed to slow down my social activities, and be more on my game as I found parenting full time requires a lot of effort.

All of my available time was dedicated to keeping a good home, making the kids top of mind and providing a healthy and stable home. This included making sure that they have their own rooms set up as they like it so it felt like a real second home. I made sure that there was always good food in the fridge/pantry when they stayed. I had activities planned and we went on outings with family and friends and just ourselves, there was routine and they were involved with their grandparents and extended family when possible.

We continued with homework just like “normal”, I got involved in school activities, just like normal,went to parent teacher meetings and got involved in their hobbies and sports, just like normal, i think this is the key.

We often did the shopping together and if I needed to go and pay some bills, they came too. It was all about making their life with me as normal as possible. Things became easier and parenting took less time. It became second nature, it allowed me to spend a little bit more time on the things I wanted to do with my life. I had achieved a happy functional home life for the kids and things started sailing along.

After some time (maybe a year or so when things settled and became consistent again for the kids) I could step back into work a little more but still keep the kids top of mind. My decision to focus on becoming great at parenting has absolutely been the best decision I have ever made.

Filed Under: Children, Fathering, Parenting, Separation

Will your teen choose to take drugs or alcohol?

10/10/2015 By DO Leave a Comment

At some point during their teenage years, almost all young adults will be given the opportunity to try drugs or alcohol. Some teens will resist the opportunity that is presented to them, whilst others will be unable to give in to temptation: The problem is though, that for children with addictive tendencies, what was intended to be a one off thing could well lead to a lifelong addiction problem. The best course of action, then, is to encourage your teen to always say no: but what makes one teen more likely to be able to resist temptation than others?

Some teens are simply better equipped to stand up to their peers and say no; often those teens with the ability to do this have other healthy coping skills when they are facing times of adversity, such as exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, and attending positive sports and social groups such as their school band or other organised groups and societies.

Unfortunately, the drug and alcohol industry is full of successful marketeers who make the idea of taking drugs or drinking alcohol seem glamorous and ‘cool’: many teens are susceptible to these kinds of messages. Drug and alcohol use are still widely shown in movies, in music videos and on TV, which can sadly normalise their use amongst teens, leading teens to make adverse choices.

Exploration is an important part of being an adolescent, but uncontrolled exploration of drugs and alcohol can be very dangerous and potentially life destroying: this is something it is important for parents to attempt to control.

To find out more about the reasons why teens may choose to turn to alcohol and drugs, you can read a full version of this article here.

Thank you to Mel Gale for her guide.

Filed Under: Children, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Missing childhood events can impact adult relations

01/10/2015 By DO 5 Comments

For many years my eldest daughter has not spoken to me and I don’t really know why? You do a lot of soul searching and try to piece events together to get some sense of her saying that she “wants to distance herself from you”

She has married and you guessed it, I was not invited to the wedding! No walking her down the isle, no spending time with her prior to the wedding reminiscing about life and the wonderful possibilities that lay ahead. No meeting her future husband or her new extended family, just shut out. I did not do anything that deserves this punishment.

My relationship with her I believe was loving but less than satisfactory due to the restraints that were put upon us. When she was only a little child of 2 years, the family court said I could only see her on every second weekend. Making the most of it, we were Melbourne’s biggest tourists. I kept myself available for that weekend. I didn’t seek out career opportunities because it may have had me working away from home, I didn’t take on a girlfriend because I wanted to be completely available to her. Those weekends seemed to come around quickly, it was 52 days out of 365 a year and I cherished every one of them.

I sought counselling in the early days to deal with the grief of missing her and coping with a non supportive mother. They told me “maintain your commitment and don’t argue, just be her knight and shining armour and she will realise you are a good dad and a committed one when she is older”. In the weeks between, I would send her a card or a CD single of what ever was a popular song for that fortnight, there must have been shoe boxes of them if they were kept? but I think the forces were against me from the start!

She very quickly had a step-father and two step sisters, an instant family versus a single dad every second weekend.

Looking back I liken it to getting in the ring with Danny Green, it was never going to go my way.

Separation from your child causes sadness, heartache, regret and shame, not to mention the belief that you’ve failed at one of life’s most important tasks. Never for one moment would I have believed that I would be rejected for no apparent reason or no explanation?

Confused and at a loss to understand why I have been cut out of her life, I went searching online for answers. It seems that instances like this are often rooted in issues that go back to childhood. Issues and feelings that were never dealt with during childhood such as a conflicted divorce which can cause pain and anger that can fester. Then a “triggering incident” occurs later in life, often leading to an argument, and then the child cuts the parent off.

The arguments that can trigger these events can be a little as where to have Christmas dinner? In my case it was over her inability to attend the theater which opened up a can of worms that I was never expecting.

It has been very hard for me to comprehend what I did to push her away, in my mind I chased her and Ive been available all her growing years (every second weekend) until late teens. However there are some critical moments that play a huge role in the ability to connect in the early years that may result in suppressed anger and disappointment.

Answers I have uncovered recently that I wish I had of known earlier. Questions like:

Were you there for their school plays?
Did you attend parent teacher interviews,
Did you help them with their homework?
Did you go to their birthday parties?
Did you take care of them when they were sick?

Knowing the answers to these questions gives me insight into how my absence could have contributed in her ability to walk away.

I was never avoiding my daughter it was the set of circumstances we were in, I regretted every day that we were apart.

My ex wife and I did not have a co-parenting relationship, I had to constantly fight for fair access even though there was a court order in place. At one point I was denied my agreed access so I headed immediately back to court and had it reinstated. This went on during the early years which killed any future healthy communication between her mother and I. Attending any joint events I felt like I was not welcome and I didn’t want my daughter to see that.

Regrettably I couldn’t attend her 21st, I was completely torn between going and not going. The anxiety I felt was overwhelming. Lots of old “so called” friends that deserted me like rats leaving a sinking ship were going to be at the party. I had become very distant and removed from that circle of friends due to our divorce. Even my best friend of 25 years sided with his fiance at the time and chose to distance himself from me. To attend what I perceived to be the “lions den” caused over whelming anxiety, I just couldn’t do it! .

I discuss my feelings in depth with my daughter and I thought she understood my position, maybe not… I cant help but think what is happening now could be part of that unresolved festering anger ?

I know that an apology may not heal all wounds, I did wish back then I had the chance. She refuses to communicate and didn’t return calls or messages after repeated attempts on my part, so I have pulled back. You can’t force someone to love you, at some point you need to come to peace with the fact that you did everything you could to be the best dad that you were allowed to be.

I will be the only father she will ever have. She has now had 2 children of her own, hopefully she will understand the undying bond between a parent and a child has and imagines what I went through as a separated dad seeing her sadly only 52 days a year.

Some of my reference material from my online sole searching has been from: The secret side of anger , Why adolescence don’t appreciate their parents , How to heal a rift with your adult children

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Relationships, Separation, Sons