Not living with your child everyday can make some Dads very protective, even jealous of time with your children. While many people would think this is a normal emotion it also highlights a need to look at things differently so that your protectiveness does not effect your children or your relationship with them.
It’s not about the time you have with your child. Rather, it’s the time your child has with you.
As children get older, they take on more and more external activities such as sport, friends and school activities etc and these activities can start to get in the way of your time. The feelings your experiencing are normal. But remember they are normal growing and developments pains. Understanding this and being accepting and flexible will only benefit you and your child’s growth and development.
If you are selfishly protective of your time with your children, if you believe that they would prefer to spend time on their own personal activities or with their friends rather than you, or if you complain and whinge, and think that their mother promotes this over spending time with you then you are gravely mistaken. Making your kids feel guilty about not spending their “allocated” time with you will only distance yourself from them and never achieve a normal relationship with your kids.
The best thing you can do is to show everyone including your children that their best interests are your top priority by displaying flexibility, understanding and maturity. You will gain major points with your kids if you approach it in this way.
DO’s
- Support and encourage your child’s healthy activities.
- Provide financial, emotional and moral support.
- Always offer transportation and logistical support even if its not on your time or if its not the activity you would have chosen.
- Promote practise time of all activities when they are with you.
- Let your child go to sleep-overs or visit their friends even when its on your time.
- Promote your child to have friends sleep-over at your place, this will help keep the normalicy around your home.
- Get involved if possible with their sport and be a volunteer at the club.
Don’ts
- Deny your child good things to get involved in such as healthy activities, promote these activities always.
- Be upset that these activities get in the way of your time with them. Instead where possible get involved in their activities (in a non intrusive manner).
- Ask your ex for “make-up” time for the time you have missed because of these other activities. Being a Dad and sacrificing time is normal and it is a growing experience for you as well as them.
- Make your child feel guilty or sad “EVER” for the time that they miss with you. Your child’s healthy active activity is far better than being forced to stay at home.
If you do this right, I can’t stress how much this will benefit you. It will assist in your Children’s adjustment and development, they’ll have a positive attitude towards you, request more time with you, and your relationship with them will be more normal.
Share your experiences as a separated parent and be part of the conversation, it can benefit many dads going through separation.
Note: Some phrases and points I have used from a good read called: Wednesday Evenings and Every other Weekend.
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